Wednesday, February 22, 2012


At a previous job of mine, employees were taught the Seven P’s: “Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.” There are many times I go on a whim and see where life takes me. Life’s too short to rob it all of mystery. However, some things require planning. For example, I usually plan my outfits for going out during the week before I go. Yeah I know- so what’s my excuse for poor selections? Heehee

One major event requiring meticulous planning is what I will be doing soon: telling my wife about my feminine side. I know I’ve mentioned this before, and this week is all about the what’s and why’s of this planning.

To recap, I have been back to dressing for over three years now. I haven’t told my wife about it. The idea of telling a spouse is always a major horror, more so for me because I know her opinion on this matter. My wife is a hard-core catholic and she feels that cross-dressing is a sin. Big time. Add to this, her mother lives with us, and she is an EXTREME right winger (she thinks Santorum is liberal- no joke!) So between the two of them, after disclosing my life as Sophie, the strong probability is that I’ll be thrown out on my ear.

Oh, add to that- my mother in law has said several times that if I ever leave, my dog will be going to the SPCA the next day… and who will adopt a twelve year old dog? Death sentence.

Why do it? Why spill the beans? I hate the lies. I have always hated lies, and having to lie to my wife really hurts. I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t stand the lies any more. So… time to make a plan.

Ok, first things first. I’ll need a place to live- Affordable on my meager pay and preferably one that takes dogs.

Second, I’ll need a way to get everything out of there that I want out before they change the locks (which I’m sure they will do.) So I need to prioritize everything and pack.

Third: Money. Rent costs money. Food. Clothing. Everything. I’m not paid much. So, where to raise extra funds BEFORE going and after if needed?

Fourth: Legal advice. I didn’t think of this until my therapist brought it up. If I’m out the door, divorce papers will probably come flying soon. I’ll need to know what that will ocst and what I stand to lose. And what about my daughter? Will my wife try to wring me dry for support even though she makes over double what I do? Will she paint me as some kind of pervert to keep my daughter from me?

Ok, so what are my advantages? My car is completely paid. My only real outstanding debts are student loans. I have very little credit card debt.

(Wow. Is being a woman worth all this?)

So as you can see, there are complex issues. Let’s add to this the following- if she finds out about Sophie before I tell her, I will have to mobilize super fast.

Any way I can Danny Ocean to plan this all out for me?

Ok, so what’s been done? I secured a place to stay on a temporary basis if needed. I have a couple leads on other places to stay. Fortunately, we as a group are very helpful to each other. I’ve prioritized what I wish to keep and started selling off other items on ebay to make money. I’ve started packing things in boxes. I have a storage space where I keep my girl things, and there’s room there for other stuff as well.

Legal? There’s the Mazzoni Center in downtown Philadelphia. They help with LGBT legal affairs, also with health care. I haven’t called them yet, but I will very soon. (

Oh, right- health care. I am now on my own insurance instead of my wife’s.

As you can see, this is one massive storm of trouble I’m headed toward. However, this is something that many of us have already faced and conquered. Will I manage to come through ok? Who knows?

At this stage of my life, I can’t afford “piss poor performance.” Homelessness is something many TG people face, and without planning, that’s where I’d be. Hell, even WITH all this planning there’s a real chance I’ll still be there. Homeless AND owing child support. Figure that one out!

To answer my earlier question- yes it’s worth it.

It has to be.


  1. Wow,I want to say congrats for planning so carefully and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. As a woman who is fortunate my spouse found out (or not, the acceptance has me selfishly dreaming of pushing the expected limits) I know how taxing the lying is to your sense of self esteem. I found needing to lie was humiliating and an assault on my character that I justified away for a greater good.

    It is sad that you can not have liberation in your marriage. And you are most likely right that your spouse and her Mom will never accept let alone tolerate any honesty from you.

    I can't bare to ask if you are still in love and if your gaining your freedom will cost you your heart. I really think you should give yourself a lot of credit for having the strength and courage to plan for the inevitable. All choices appear made, no compromises seem forthcoming...brace yourself and move forward. I hope you focus on the positive and rewarding aspects of your pending 'freedom' every second you can. It goes without saying that you will be dragged down financially and emotionally pummeled so its best that you focus and look forward to the new improved and happier you that awaits on the other side of a very taxing challenge. You really sound strong dear. I hope you have lined up a few emotional resources as well. I can only imagine how hard this will be, but I trust and hope that you will be a better woman as a result.

    Your new 7 P's -Patiently Pursuing Positive Planning Produces Personal Pride-

    Good Luck Sophie

  2. Good luck.
    Also keep open the possibility that your wife may be somewhat accepting and may not instantly blow the roof off your marriage.

    Does she know that you are seeing a therapist? You do get out from time to time. She must suspect something is brewing. Perhaps she thinks that you are having an affair and she may be relieved that this is not the case.

    There is also a widespread misconception about people with conservative and or religious values. Tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance of others who are different, respect for all regardless of their station in life are all part of christian/catholic teachings.
    I surmise that just yesterday your wife was told to remember that " dust she shall return." Compared to being reduced to a pile of dust spending some time in a dress, heels and makeup is a major improvement for anyone.

    I agree that one of the hardest parts of being somewhat dual gendered is the lack of candor that many of us have to go through with our loved ones. I sincerely wish you luck. As you have this conversation there may be things that you will have a need to say that you know will be hurtful to your wife. I am sure that you do not want to inflict any hurt on your wife or daughter. Therein lies the source of pain. Good luck and God bless.

    Pat...the conservative CD