Return of the Keystone Conference: 2022

This past week was the first Keystone Conference in three years. The last two were canceled due to covid. But this year we returned to the Sheraton Harrisburg/Hershey now for the 12th time. However, things were different. They were so low on staff that the restaurant wasn't even open on a Saturday night, nor was the bar open during the day.  For me, a lot of the conference was casually speaking with friends in the bar, drinking or not.  It was quiet enough for me to hear, and comfortable enough.  This would be my 12th Keystone, as I've never missed one.  This conference has been a major part of my life since it began.

I signed up to do a presentation (as usual) and received the 9 AM Saturday slot.  That was fine, except I'd have to wake up ugly early to make the drive from State College to Harrisburg (which takes around 90 minutes.)  I signed up for Saturday only, which was the cheapest option.  After all, I've had money issues for years.

A day before the conference, Kristyn King called me.  She's a dear friend and president of Greater Philadelphia Renaissance, which I've attended since 2008.  She asked if I was going to Keystone (yes, Saturday only); did I have a room (no, can't afford one); would I like one (no thanks, can't afford it); no, you don't understand- I have an extra room, would you like it- free? (you're kidding, right); no, you do so much for others that it's time you get something back; (sure!  Thank you!) So now I had a room for Friday and Saturday nights!  

So I drove down Friday night, planning to arrive after the busses left for the various restaurants.  I wanted to surprise people.  However the Vanity Club bus was delayed and hadn't left.  As I walked to the hotel with my bag, a woman walked up to me and told me how inspiring I am, and how she loves reading my stuff.  I was so flattered yet embarrassed.  I thanked her.  I had mixed feelings about this.  I really appreciate this validation, but I don't feel I deserve it.  I've done nothing.  

Friday Night

In any case, I was wearing my blue dress that showed off the girls.  I checked in, found room 310, then headed for the bar.   Sat at the bar, saw someone sitting alone, and invited her to join me.  I believe that "no one sits alone at Keystone" because I know what it's like to be alone at events.  She joined me, and we talked. I had chicken tenders, as I'd done my makeup and didn't want to mess it up. Eventually busses returned from the restaurants and people trickled into the bar.  People I know began walking in.  So wonderful to reunite with friends I hadn't seen in at least three years.  I'd previously lost a bet with Stephanie Wardlow, an Arkansas alumnae, as they beat my Penn State Nittany Lions in a bowl game.  So, I bought her the drink I owed: a Cosmopolitan.

I didn't stay out late- back to the room at 10:30.  After all, I had little money and a presentation in the morning.  Woke up, showered, dressed, and took aspirin.  Yes, unearned hangover.  Had breakfast with the incredible JoAnne Carroll, president of TransCentral Pa.  We had a nice conversation, and I ate a lot of bacon because I rarely get to do so.  Then off to the session.  That's when, well, I had use the restroom... NOW!  So, off I went.  Glad it didn't happen during the session.

I had eight people in my session, including three old friends.  The session went well, and many good questions were asked (and yes, I followed up by sending the slides to those who asked.)  Went to the dealer's room with Jenny North and hung out a bit.  Eventually, lunch.  The speaker was Amanda Knox, whose story was amazing.  I bought her book, Love Lives Here, which she signed.  

Back to the room for a nap.  Then, doll up for dinner.  I'm definitely out of practice.  In any case, off to the gala, where it was VERY hot.  I popped sweat almost immediately.  I sat at the Vanity Club table, had chicken, listened to Lady J speak (another wonderful talk), then said my goodbyes.  After all, I had homework to do.  And as I had little money, it wasn't like I could go to the bar and drink my face off.  And I'd feel isolated, as in loud places, I can't hear anything but background noise.  So I said my goodbyes, packed, and got on the road.  Through the snow... in freaking late March.

Grape Ape

Made it home around 11 pm.  Unpacked my sweaty clothes and collapsed into bed.  90 minutes away, people like me are enjoying their last night at the conference- Partying against the dread of the next morning.  Sunday morning at Keystone is so very sad.  It's over, and it's back to drab life for most of them: the dreaded Pink Hangover.  I hated that so much.  

So, I left the conference early.  I wish I could've given my extra "girl time" to them.  Now home, taking a study break from reading, writing this blog entry.  I'm so glad Keystone is back, and hope to go next year as well.  We'll see where life takes me.

Be well.

"So what is it now?"

The title is a quote from someone on facialbook a few weeks back.  I mentioned I was in a bad place, but didn't say why.  I haven't said why because I don't know what I can or can't say at this point.

My Wife, who I have been with for nearly 31 years has filed for divorce.  

She announced this rather casually to me at the end of a visit to her and daughter back on January 22.  We've lived apart since I was thrown out over eight years ago by her mother, sometimes close like when I lived a mile away, now far, as I am in State College.  She has an attorney.  I know this because I received the paperwork via certified mail yesterday.  

I can't afford an lawyer.  PSU has legal services, but they don't cover contested divorce (whatever that is.)  I don't have money for child support.  I don't have money for alimony.  Sh*t, I've been selling things on eBay and relying on the kindness of others to make the rent.  My pride is destroyed.  She knows all this.

All this within a couple of weeks of my mum's death- what timing.  Like, you've waited eight years- you couldn't wait a little longer?  As of now, Daughter doesn't know.  I don't know when she'll be told or how.  She doesn't read (or even know of) this blog to my knowledge.  That, and the whole legal thing, is why I haven't said what's going on using social media.  

I'm a wreck.  I hoped that we could ride this out, and that after her mother passed we could be a family again.  I even offered to de-transition to save the marriage.  Nope.  Thing is, we've been together for over half our lives.  She defines me in so many ways.  I DON'T WANT THIS.  I still love her.  The idea that she doesn't love me anymore crushes me.

Oh, and thanks to the depression and Darkness, I've fallen behind in my classwork.  My advisor is sympathetic, but for how long?  I've made several calls to the Trans suicide hotline and never gotten through.  (Shows you where my mind is.)  I won't call others, as they geo-locate, and I don't need the police kicking in my door and throwing me in some useless psych ward, which I can't afford, to rot. Been there- done that.  Never again. I've been staring at the ceiling a lot.  Or walls.  Or the tv.  And not seeing any of them.  

So, for those few of you who wondered, that's what's happening.  It's all my fault for transitioning.  My transition destroyed her life and mine.  And I can't stop crying.

So today I drove down to see her.  I wanted Wife to tell me to my face why she's divorcing me.  She did.  She wanted to divorce me back in 2013.  It wasn't her mother who wanted me out- it was her.  All these years, she's wanted me out of her life.  8 1/2 years have all been a lie.

Despite everything I've learned in my life, I'd held onto the one shred of hope that someday, after her mother died we could be a family again in some way.  That we could grow old together.  Once again, Hope is a lie.

Hope is a fucking lie.

Love is a lie.

My life is one big lie.

That's all.