I've recently been thinking about a party I attended- the first (of two) parties I was ever invited to during my k-12 years. This one occurred when I was in seventh grade, so late fall 1978. Ugh, was it really 43 years ago?
Most kids my age were starting puberty. I watched as the girls began changing, and desperately wished I would change like them as well, but it was not to be. In fact, even for guy adolescence, I was a late bloomer. So, essentially, I was even more of a kid when I attended this party. Remember that- it's important.
Right, so I was in seventh grade, which back then was the first year of Junior High: a whole new environment. Suddenly, I was thrown in with so many new kids from other elementary schools in the district. Quickly, cliques and a social pecking order formed. I was in an academic section, and, if not at the bottom of the popularity scale, I was next to last. I kept to myself for the most part, as I didn't want to be picked on.
One major social addition to school was school dances. Many people my age know what they were like- boys gravitated to one side of the gym while the girls were on the other with little mingling (except for the really confident guys who were high on the social scale.) They played the hits of the day over the loudspeakers. Two songs I distinctly remember were Keep on loving you by REO Speedwagon and Sad Eyes by Robert John. No one danced to the fast songs, as no one had figured out how yet, but slow songs saw people couple up to slow dance (at arm's length of course). I think each grade had their own dances at this point, so there were no bigger kids there. At least I don't remember any. In any case, these dances were formal, which for me meant polyester jacket and tie from Sears. That's not what I wanted to wear.
Page from 1979 Sears Catalogue
At one of the early dances (October?), someone told me I should ask a certain girl to dance, as she thought I was cute. Me? So, I screwed on what little courage and asked her to dance. I'll call her "Susan", but that wasn't her name. Susan was in my section, so I saw her every day, but never knew she, or anybody, even knew I existed. We danced, chatted about whatever, and shared the next dance as well.
I don't remember the exact timeline, as I wasn't keeping a journal at that time, but it was around Halloween that I received an invitation to a party at the home/farm of a classmate in Limerick, which was extremely rural at the time. I was absolutely shocked! I learned that I received the invite because Susan liked me. I didn't wear a costume- my mum made me wear a shirt and tie. Hell, I didn't know what people my age wore to parties! As a result, I was the only one there not in costume and the only one wearing a tie. I remember Susan wearing a pale blue and white dress and the hostess wore a white sweater and dark slacks.
Page from the 1979 Sears Catalogue
The party was on a farm. I remember cows and an electric fence. I remember both as I remember that someone dared me to touch the wire fence. Zap! The party itself was held in a small outbuilding: a large shed or something like it. There were benches around three walls, and it was lit by candles. There was some food, but I don't remember what. It was very cold outside, and the shed was heated, but I forget how. I remember the Cheshire smile crescent moon dancing through scattered clouds.
The hostess was one of the popular girls- I'll call her "Amy." Amy was ahead of some of the other girls, puberty wise, as she had a shapely, feminine butt, yet small breasts like her peers. Amy wanted to be a model and may have had the looks for it if she filled out right. As it was '78, her mane of brunette hair was styled Farrah Fawcett style.
For the beginning, everyone sat around talking about school and such- everyone else there previously went to Limerick elementary, so they knew each other. Also, there were older kids there. I knew a few people: the hostess, Susan, and a male classmate. There were maybe 7 or 8 others aside from them.
At one point, Amy started talking about pairing off "like this" and started making out with the guy next to her. I was sitting next to Susan, and could sense her unease. So, I excused myself to go to the restroom, which was in the main house. When I returned, I was met outside the door by a classmate (I don't remember who,) who awkwardly told me that Susan "isn't that kind of girl" as I thought. I replied that I wasn't that kind of guy, and we went in the door.
You see, I figured everyone else was where Amy was in her "maturity" and that I was the only one who was so far behind. It wasn't true, really, but still, half the people in the room were passionately kissing while the other half sat around awkwardly.
An eternity later, my mum arrived to take me home from the party. I couldn't leave fast enough- I felt so awkward.
Looking back, I now wonder how Amy was sexualized at such an early age. She'd obviously done this before, and, judging by the way the guy was groping her, was enjoying it. I wonder if something horrific happened to her as a child. Horrible thoughts, I know, but was her behavior normal, even for that time? As I was (and am) socially backwards, I don't know.
I assumed everyone my age was having sex by the eighth grade, and I had no clue how to attract a girl. I didn't realize that, being a very rural school district, people "started" a little early, nor did I realize that a lot of their talk was simply bluster.
Some changes occurred over the years
Now, all these years later, so much has changed. I finally left my secret behind years ago, and finally experienced some of the changes I so wanted back when puberty was still in my future. Of course, I still suffer the after-effects of decades of testosterone poisoning, and will never have feminine hips, etc, but I'm as close as I'll ever get to being the woman I should have been.
So why think of all this now? Why did this memory push forward after all this time? Simple: I was 12 when I attended that party. My classmates were 12-13.
My daughter is now 13, and in seventh grade.
As I've been absent for most of her life (due to being thrown out all those years ago), I can only hope that she'll make the right decisions for her, and not succumb to peer pressure. I know that I can't "bubble wrap" her to protect her from life and growing up.
I think about my teen years, and some of the decisions I made. As I was a social outcast, I didn't have to make a lot of the decisions that other kids had to make, like about drinking, drugs, and sex. These weren't options for me until my later teens/ early twenties. By then, I'd already had that desire to help others and the burning need for justice, so I saw things primarily in black and white. There was right and wrong, and everything about my life was wrong. Yes, I knew that shades of grey existed, but I didn't want to see them. It was only in college that I saw that such right/wrong situations were rare, and that everything was grey: a continuum. And it took me so many years later to realize that are very few binaries in the world, and gender is not black and white, male and female. Yes, I am a woman, but I'm not like natal women. I'm somewhere in the grey. I can wish all I want that I had been born with a female body, but wishing won't make it so.
All I can do now is hope that my daughter is smart enough to learn from mistakes, and listen to what her mother and I can give her. I hope that her life is so much better than mine (it already is, as she doesn't have to wake up each morning thinking about how she's in the wrong body) but I want so much more for her. Above all, I want her to find the happiness in her teen years that I never did, and the happiness in life that I still can't find.
As for what happened after that party, Susan and I never dated. She quickly lost interest, and eventually so did I. In fact, after seventh grade, we rarely spoke. She, Amy, and I eventually graduated together. The only other time I ever spoke to Amy was at graduation. The memory is just a fragment, but a powerful one as it recalls who and where I was at that time. My first party invite.. and last until my senior year... and in so many ways I disappeared; faded into the background.
I hope my daughter doesn't do the same.
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