Everything is my fucking fault. I can't do anything right. I'm never smart enough, strong enough, fast enough... whatever.
Want proof?
Ask my wife. Who destroyed our marriage? Me. Who couldn't find a good enough job so we could move out of her mom's place? Me.
Ask my parents. If something happened in that house, it was my fault. Period. Never my brother's- mine. After all- he said so, right? I was the root of everything wrong and evil.
Ask anyone who I've failed, which is pretty much everyone I know. If I haven't failed you yet, give it time, I guarantee I will. Ask any of my teachers or employers. Li Longo didn't get past the primary because I sucked as a campaign manager. When BN or GW didn't hit a target, it was because I fucked up.
I fucked up so much at GW that they moved me out of sales and put me under someone who did his best to make me quit.
I never do anything fucking right, so why do I fucking bother even trying.
I'm fifty fucking five years old. I'll be near sixty IF I finish this program. No one will hire me. So why am I bothering? Transwomen are dying out there, and here I am learning adult learning theory. Theories don't stop bullets.
I used to think transpeople may just survive the 45 junta. We did- barely. The GOP kills far too efficiently. Ask the Latinos in the camps... or their children who have been sold off, oh I'm sorry- "disappeared."
Want proof?
Ask my wife. Who destroyed our marriage? Me. Who couldn't find a good enough job so we could move out of her mom's place? Me.
Ask my parents. If something happened in that house, it was my fault. Period. Never my brother's- mine. After all- he said so, right? I was the root of everything wrong and evil.
Ask anyone who I've failed, which is pretty much everyone I know. If I haven't failed you yet, give it time, I guarantee I will. Ask any of my teachers or employers. Li Longo didn't get past the primary because I sucked as a campaign manager. When BN or GW didn't hit a target, it was because I fucked up.
I fucked up so much at GW that they moved me out of sales and put me under someone who did his best to make me quit.
I never do anything fucking right, so why do I fucking bother even trying.
I'm fifty fucking five years old. I'll be near sixty IF I finish this program. No one will hire me. So why am I bothering? Transwomen are dying out there, and here I am learning adult learning theory. Theories don't stop bullets.
I used to think transpeople may just survive the 45 junta. We did- barely. The GOP kills far too efficiently. Ask the Latinos in the camps... or their children who have been sold off, oh I'm sorry- "disappeared."
Now they'll just legislate us out of existence. And what am I doing about it? Reading about Gramsci and ubuntu and qualitative research. Useless. I'm fucking useless. Always have been.
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteThis is a time where I won't make it easy for you. If we are to survive, we can't take responsibility for the random elements in life. For example, you are NOT responsible for not getting a better job to support your family if you did everything possible to get those better jobs. Often, we are subject to the random elements of luck, and our ticket in life didn't pay off.
Take responsibility for YOUR actions, but do not take them for SOMEONE ELSE'S actions. Can you help it that you are born a TG? No! You can't help your wife's reactions to you. But you can try to make things work as best as possible. You have noted that there are a lot of bigots you have had to deal with - and I remember you mentioning people in your family and at work. Not much you can do about them. Yet, you can control your reactions to their stupidity.
So, stop thinking negatively about your chances of finishing the program and not finding work. Instead, think of where you may have to move to get that work. Think of what places you may need to apply to which will need your skills. And work on developing those connections NOW!
You can't control the shit being aimed at you. But you can make plans on how you'll deal with the shit when it comes at you....
M
I don't make plans any more. Plans involve "hope" and I have none. I live day to day wondering when it'll be over.
DeleteSophie, I met you once at the movie theater. I recognized you from this blog and introduced myself, we were both there to see The Rise of Skywalker, I was leaving the theater as you were going in and we spoke for a few minutes. I didn't have time then, and wasn't sure that it was appropriate to bring it up in a public setting, but I have a teenage transgender daughter and reading your blog has helped me understand her transition. I would always have accepted and supported her, but your blog helped me understand how she feels, especially when she doesn't have the words to tell me herself. So you may think that you fuck everything up, but you reach people in a positive way and help others in ways you may never know. I'm sure I'm not the only person to take away great wisdom from your words.
ReplyDeleteHolly