Dwellers

Strange week here in Sophie land.

It was another up and down week.  I felt sick most of it.  Run down.  I've been sleeping maybe four hours a night because I'm up so late doing homework.  But that's not the strange part.

Twice last week, I was told (by two different people) that I'm "intimidating."  Me?  A fat transgender woman?  I couldn't scare anyone these days.  Huh.

Friday, I had a virtual meeting where I learned that the GA work I've done pretty much since getting here was all wrong.  Sigh.

A couple of hours later, I was invited out for a drink by a couple women I haven't seen in oh... over thirty one years.  One of them used to work at the Skeller (I wrote about that bar here.)  She was the hottie that everyone wanted to go out with (WAY out of my league.)  The other was an Alpha Chi Rho (Crow) little sister from my day.  I dated a couple of Crow little sisters when I was an undergrad.  (I wrote about them in the book I wrote: Men of the Skull.  You know, the one I've been serializing here on the blog.)

The Crow little sister wasn't sure she knew who I was, after all I've changed a bit in the 30 years since my undergrad days.  She remembered the two Crow little sisters I knew.  We both went digging through our phones looking for old pictures.  She found hers quickly.  I recognized her picture vaguely.  Frankly, she didn't look like the person in the picture, except for the eyes.

The Picture I showed Her

When I finally found my old college picture, she recognized that person.  She said she remembered my "Moody eyes."  Huh.  No one ever told me that before.  I told her that I couldn't get a date in college even if "I wore a necklace of hundred dollar bills around my neck."  Which was true.  She said she knew a few girls who had crushes on me back in the day.

I wish I knew that then!  But, knowing me, I wouldn't have believed them.  Or said something lame.

One of the things the Skeller bartender said struck me.  We were discussing holding grudges.  The Crow little sister was outside smoking at that point.  Skeller told me that Crow held grudges for a long time.  I said I do too.  However, most of the anger and pain of whatever caused the grudge disappeared when I transitioned.  I had other issues to worry about.  That said, I still hold a few grudges, but all but 2 of those are against people who hurt dear friends.  That I cannot forgive, nor will I.  My dear friends are my life.  No one hurts them on my watch.

If I can help it, that is.

Skeller said that one of her coworkers called her a "Dweller," because she dwells on things.  I'd never heard the term used in that way.  I told her that I'm a dweller as well.  I dwell on decisions I made decades ago.  I dwell on events that I'm guessing others have long forgotten.  I have more regrets than I have cells in my body.

I know that's not good.  I should let things go.  Yes, I can read your thoughts.  Just kidding.  People tell me that I should let things go as if it were easy.  It isn't.  I've written many times in this blog about my overwhelming need for Justice- to "put things right."  So much in my life was/is just unfair.  Yes, I know life isn't fair- but some things should be.  For example, I dwell on the fact that I was born.  And that I was born in a male body.  That I'm transgender.  I dwell on the pain I caused my Wife and daughter, and the pain Wife inflicted on me by not moving with me.  I dwell on so many things.

But if I didn't, I wouldn't be me.  I wouldn't try to learn lessons from mistakes.  I wouldn't have this passion for history.  I wouldn't be here working toward a PhD.

The three of us chatted for a little over an hour, then I left.  I don't know what kind of impression I left.  They invited me to a bar that night, but I declined.  I sponged two drinks off of them, and that was already too much.  No, I stayed home and watched movies with my roomie/bestie Linda.  And I thought about things.  I dwelt.

Then, I took two melatonins and went to bed.  Woke up, and started writing.

Be well.