Last night, I had a very vivid dream.
You see, on Thursday (July 5) I have a colonoscopy scheduled. That means prep on July 4. That's fine, since I'm never invited to BBQs anyway. This will not be my first time around with this procedure. I had one before, maybe 14 years ago. They excised some polyps that turned out to be benign.
I've put off getting another one done due to insurance issues. After all, I'm still paying off my mammogram from October 2016 (insurance didn't cover it because Trans.) I think I've got the insurance sorted out now. If not, I'll just declare bankruptcy. I don't have $4,570 lying around.
Anyway, so that's Thursday.
Last night was Sunday night. I went to bed a little early. I did nothing yesterday, so my back and shoulder would heal from a fall Saturday night after the protest. (Maybe I'll write about the protest I organized. Maybe not.) In any case, I was tired.
In my dream, I was in a doctor's office. I'd never been in this office, but they all kind of look the same. I'd never seen this doctor, either. She was a petite Latina, maybe in her late 50s, with short black hair streaked with grey, a broad face, and tired looking eyes. We were the only two in the room.
I was sitting on the edge of a paper covered examination table. She was standing. She had the results of my colonoscopy. I had Stage IVB colon cancer. I'd never heard that term before then, in dreams or waking world, so this morning I looked it up. She told me that with "aggressive treatment" I might be able to beat it. "The chances are not good, but if you are strong, it's possible."
I sat for a moment, thinking about the Pain and expense that this would cause. I thought about one of my oldest, dearest friends who has been fighting this disease, and how he's suffered. I thought of the fact that I am unemployed.
And I thought of the fact that I would never, ever physically complete my transition.
I told the doctor that I didn't want to be treated. Let the disease run its course.
Then I woke up, sweating.
The dream was so real. Like it happened earlier that day and was a memory.
I thought about it as I lay there in bed.
I stand by my decision.
You see, on Thursday (July 5) I have a colonoscopy scheduled. That means prep on July 4. That's fine, since I'm never invited to BBQs anyway. This will not be my first time around with this procedure. I had one before, maybe 14 years ago. They excised some polyps that turned out to be benign.
I've put off getting another one done due to insurance issues. After all, I'm still paying off my mammogram from October 2016 (insurance didn't cover it because Trans.) I think I've got the insurance sorted out now. If not, I'll just declare bankruptcy. I don't have $4,570 lying around.
Anyway, so that's Thursday.
Last night was Sunday night. I went to bed a little early. I did nothing yesterday, so my back and shoulder would heal from a fall Saturday night after the protest. (Maybe I'll write about the protest I organized. Maybe not.) In any case, I was tired.
In my dream, I was in a doctor's office. I'd never been in this office, but they all kind of look the same. I'd never seen this doctor, either. She was a petite Latina, maybe in her late 50s, with short black hair streaked with grey, a broad face, and tired looking eyes. We were the only two in the room.
I was sitting on the edge of a paper covered examination table. She was standing. She had the results of my colonoscopy. I had Stage IVB colon cancer. I'd never heard that term before then, in dreams or waking world, so this morning I looked it up. She told me that with "aggressive treatment" I might be able to beat it. "The chances are not good, but if you are strong, it's possible."
I sat for a moment, thinking about the Pain and expense that this would cause. I thought about one of my oldest, dearest friends who has been fighting this disease, and how he's suffered. I thought of the fact that I am unemployed.
And I thought of the fact that I would never, ever physically complete my transition.
I told the doctor that I didn't want to be treated. Let the disease run its course.
Then I woke up, sweating.
The dream was so real. Like it happened earlier that day and was a memory.
I thought about it as I lay there in bed.
I stand by my decision.
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteYou might be interested in this article....
https://news.starbucks.com/news/they-are-lifesaving-starbucks-offers-expanded-benefits-for-trans-people
M
Yes, I saw that. If they paid a living wage, and I could stand the smell of coffee...
DeleteUnderstood.... It's a hard job, but it can help pay some bills while you look for something better. An Ex's late husband made a career at Starbucks managing stores. The money wasn't great, but it kept his mind active. As for me, I don't have enough energy to do that kind of work.
DeleteWow! I hope that doesn't happen on the 5th.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't ascribe too much actual meaning to the dream. I'm guessing because you had an early colonoscopy with polyps you are a poor candidate for the less invasive ColoGuard alternative.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for your insurance not paying for your mammogram, that is just wrong.
Get yourself on Medicare ASAP, hon.
Right, wrong... there just "is."
DeleteGood luck today
ReplyDelete