There's a book out now called The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. I haven't read it yet, but I've glanced through it. The idea is to de-clutter your life so that, after you're gone, no one else is stuck with the job.
It makes me think about my dear friend Big Al, who passed away five years ago in September. Big Al lived alone, and he had a rich complexity. He collected books, games, scotch, and other things. He also had many friends, but he didn't collect them as much as he nurtured each one. I spoke at his funeral before my transition.
I remember helping his family to clean out his apartment. His family had first dibs on everything (goodbye scotch collection) then everything else was up for grabs. We, his friends, grabbed all of his games (as we all were gamers and played with him.) At his wake, we then divided the games between us in a fair and equitable way- by rolling dice for the choosing order. Eventually, I obtained several games, a couple of them rare, as well as some books, DVDs, and CDs. Everything else went to the dumpster. I helped with that as well.
I helped throw out the things that Big Al collected over a life- the things that gave him pleasure. I've never forgotten that. I wondered if there were things he absolutely treasured that were among the items we trashed, and we simply did not know it.
When my dearest friend Lisa Empanada died, her wife Sandy was generous in giving her trans friends many items. I have a lot from her (and when I lose weight I'll be able to fit in them again.) That said, Sandy and Lisa's daughters had first dibs, as it should be. I actually wonder what, if anything, Sandy threw out. I doubt that she did.
I don't have a living will. Or any will for that matter. My Wife knows my wishes about DNR, etc. I have a whole storage site full of books and games. I assume that she would let whomever take what they wish. Some of the books and games are rare, and some are quite valuable.
But, some things I have are valuable only to me, and these are the items that would probably be pitched. Looking up from my computer, I see one of Lisa's wigs atop my bookshelf. It is priceless to me. But, I'm sure no one cleaning out my belongings would care about that, and away it would go.
Here's another example. Back when I was in either junior high or high school (early 80s), my Mum knit me an afghan. It was her hobby back then. During the winter, it would be on my bed, and, in the summer, it would be under it. More than once, I covered my girl clothes with it when someone came home unexpectedly and I needed to quickly change clothes and hide my stuff. (I'm guessing most transwomen who dressed as a teen became very adept at changing clothes in a BIG hurry!) When I went to college, I brought it with me. Again, winter it was on the bed, but in warmer weather, it was draped on the back of a couch.
All through Drexel and Penn State, I kept that afghan. And afterwards- usually on my bed, or, after I was married, it would be stored in a trunk. When I was thrown out in 2013, I brought it with me.
In the winter, it is on my bed. In warmer weather, it's stored in the couch (it has an area for storage under it.)
Is it the prettiest thing? Well, no. But it's REALLY warm. And, my Mum made it for me. So I have taken it with me from place to place. I've had it now somewhere in the area of 37 years. It has meaning for me.
Maybe my Wife would claim it- maybe not. I'm guessing it would be donated or dumpstered. After all, it's just an old afghan, right?
Moving as I've have several times, and having sold off so many things I'd collected over the years in order to make rent, has helped thin my possessions. However, I still have that storage space. If I were to spend a week going through it, I could probably donate a ton of the books to charities, throw out the old clothes (concert T shirts, etc), and figure out what to sell. I've been a collector of things all my life. But maybe I should just start shedding things.
In that way, when it's Time, the things that are important to me find homes, not dumpsters.
Be Well.
It makes me think about my dear friend Big Al, who passed away five years ago in September. Big Al lived alone, and he had a rich complexity. He collected books, games, scotch, and other things. He also had many friends, but he didn't collect them as much as he nurtured each one. I spoke at his funeral before my transition.
I remember helping his family to clean out his apartment. His family had first dibs on everything (goodbye scotch collection) then everything else was up for grabs. We, his friends, grabbed all of his games (as we all were gamers and played with him.) At his wake, we then divided the games between us in a fair and equitable way- by rolling dice for the choosing order. Eventually, I obtained several games, a couple of them rare, as well as some books, DVDs, and CDs. Everything else went to the dumpster. I helped with that as well.
I helped throw out the things that Big Al collected over a life- the things that gave him pleasure. I've never forgotten that. I wondered if there were things he absolutely treasured that were among the items we trashed, and we simply did not know it.
When my dearest friend Lisa Empanada died, her wife Sandy was generous in giving her trans friends many items. I have a lot from her (and when I lose weight I'll be able to fit in them again.) That said, Sandy and Lisa's daughters had first dibs, as it should be. I actually wonder what, if anything, Sandy threw out. I doubt that she did.
I don't have a living will. Or any will for that matter. My Wife knows my wishes about DNR, etc. I have a whole storage site full of books and games. I assume that she would let whomever take what they wish. Some of the books and games are rare, and some are quite valuable.
But, some things I have are valuable only to me, and these are the items that would probably be pitched. Looking up from my computer, I see one of Lisa's wigs atop my bookshelf. It is priceless to me. But, I'm sure no one cleaning out my belongings would care about that, and away it would go.
Here's another example. Back when I was in either junior high or high school (early 80s), my Mum knit me an afghan. It was her hobby back then. During the winter, it would be on my bed, and, in the summer, it would be under it. More than once, I covered my girl clothes with it when someone came home unexpectedly and I needed to quickly change clothes and hide my stuff. (I'm guessing most transwomen who dressed as a teen became very adept at changing clothes in a BIG hurry!) When I went to college, I brought it with me. Again, winter it was on the bed, but in warmer weather, it was draped on the back of a couch.
All through Drexel and Penn State, I kept that afghan. And afterwards- usually on my bed, or, after I was married, it would be stored in a trunk. When I was thrown out in 2013, I brought it with me.
The Afghan
In the winter, it is on my bed. In warmer weather, it's stored in the couch (it has an area for storage under it.)
Is it the prettiest thing? Well, no. But it's REALLY warm. And, my Mum made it for me. So I have taken it with me from place to place. I've had it now somewhere in the area of 37 years. It has meaning for me.
Maybe my Wife would claim it- maybe not. I'm guessing it would be donated or dumpstered. After all, it's just an old afghan, right?
Moving as I've have several times, and having sold off so many things I'd collected over the years in order to make rent, has helped thin my possessions. However, I still have that storage space. If I were to spend a week going through it, I could probably donate a ton of the books to charities, throw out the old clothes (concert T shirts, etc), and figure out what to sell. I've been a collector of things all my life. But maybe I should just start shedding things.
In that way, when it's Time, the things that are important to me find homes, not dumpsters.
Be Well.
Hi Sophie,
ReplyDeleteThat is a relevant and thoughtful post about something that I think that most people tend to shy away from. I was fortunate to inherit a friend's hobby stuff through his wife after he died (so he lives on when we play) but another friend was the poster child for what should not happen...
In this particular case, a friend who died and whom we had gamed with for many years had a large collection of games and miniatures that he had painted and we had all played with and would have treasured if we had had the chance. His only relatives were inbred cousins who snatched up all his stuff and whom we suspect likely dumpstered or garage-saled his miniatures and rare GW games. The people who truly cared about him have nothing but fading memories. It is sad...
When I had a potentially fatal health issue four years ago, I resolved to give certain things to friends after I survived and I did so. I intend to keep doing the same occasionally which helps to clear out the clutter. They can either keep the items or sell them - their choice. But at least they have the opportunity to have something of mine in case of my sudden departure. Your timely post is a reminder to me. :-)
Hugs,
Tanit
We recently had to clear out my Mother's home as she was going into a nursing home and we have to rent out her house to pay the fees. We found all sorts of things, photos of people we could not name, but mostly stuff we knew. The tragedy was that stuff that Mum valued very highly, stuff that was precious to her, her bone chine, her furniture, had no financial value. Stuff she had treasured for over 90 years had no value to other people. Some of it we had trouble giving away.
ReplyDeleteI am now feeling inspired to make my will.