You just don't get it, do you?
Your apology is not just Worthless- it's Hurtful. Instead of taking a microsecond to think- a heartbeat to consider your words- you CHOSE to misgender me. Maybe you think my situation is funny- the whole "guy thinks he's a girl" thing. Maybe you think you're superior to me because you're cisgender, and don't have my problems. Or maybe you think my existence is a Sin against your Evangelical beliefs and your version of a "loving God."
Slip of the tongue, my ass.
In that moment- the moment you CHOSE to misgender me, you did the following:
You just told me that the YEARS I have spent working on my appearance; the hours of laser hair removal and painful electrolysis; the hours and years of makeup lessons and practice; years of practicing walking and comportment; expensive voice lessons; painful injections of expensive estrogen, and other hormones not covered by insurance; refining my wardrobe to blend in...
Have been COMPLETELY wasted- that even though when you CHOSE to misgender me I was at the absolute peak of my development as a woman, ALL of the time, effort, money, sweat, Tears, sacrifices, losses... was useless.
I didn't CHOOSE to be transgender. No one chooses this. I was born this way. The only choice I made was to LIVE- to transition. Because if I hadn't transitioned, I would be dead. That's what the decision came down to- live my Truth, knowing I'd destroy my whole previous life, or Blowing my head off.
But that doesn't matter one fucking bit to you, does it? No. You had to get your little dig in- you had to show that YOU knew that I was Trans. You couldn't just let me live my life while you lived yours. No, you had to inject yourself into my life as forcibly as if you raped me. You had to rip me apart just to satisfy some inner need you had to be Superior to the fucking weird "tranny."
"Put on your big girl panties." "Man up." "Stop whining, you snowflake!" "Grow a pair."
Yeah, easy for you to say- no one is fucking insulting your basic humanity. I hear it almost EVERY DAY.
And here's the kicker. You don't even have the guts to say it where I can react. No, you say it while I'm at work, behind a counter. You KNOW that I can't respond. You KNOW that I can't do a fucking thing back to you. "Thank you sir, may I have another?" You're a fucking coward, and you know it. Would you say these things in a place where I could react? Where your "freedom of speech" may have consequences? Of course you wouldn't.
You wouldn't give a fuck if I'd blown my head off instead of transitioning. I'm just another replaceable servant to you- a forgettable cog in the machinery of your life. If it weren't me, someone else would be there providing whatever service it is I'm providing.
So, No, I don't accept your lame-ass apology. Because you don't mean it, and we both know it. You don't give a shit about my feelings. You just want to pretend. Live your little fantasy of being a "good person." You don't care about the damage you've inflicted, because you don't care to know. You're just going to waltz on with your life.
So, just Go. Get out of my face. Don't even fucking pretend that you care. You've already insulted my life and appearance- don't insult my intelligence as well.
(My dear friend Gina wrote something about this as well- and was far more eloquent than I)
Your apology is not just Worthless- it's Hurtful. Instead of taking a microsecond to think- a heartbeat to consider your words- you CHOSE to misgender me. Maybe you think my situation is funny- the whole "guy thinks he's a girl" thing. Maybe you think you're superior to me because you're cisgender, and don't have my problems. Or maybe you think my existence is a Sin against your Evangelical beliefs and your version of a "loving God."
Slip of the tongue, my ass.
Care to insult me some more?
In that moment- the moment you CHOSE to misgender me, you did the following:
You just told me that the YEARS I have spent working on my appearance; the hours of laser hair removal and painful electrolysis; the hours and years of makeup lessons and practice; years of practicing walking and comportment; expensive voice lessons; painful injections of expensive estrogen, and other hormones not covered by insurance; refining my wardrobe to blend in...
Have been COMPLETELY wasted- that even though when you CHOSE to misgender me I was at the absolute peak of my development as a woman, ALL of the time, effort, money, sweat, Tears, sacrifices, losses... was useless.
I didn't CHOOSE to be transgender. No one chooses this. I was born this way. The only choice I made was to LIVE- to transition. Because if I hadn't transitioned, I would be dead. That's what the decision came down to- live my Truth, knowing I'd destroy my whole previous life, or Blowing my head off.
But that doesn't matter one fucking bit to you, does it? No. You had to get your little dig in- you had to show that YOU knew that I was Trans. You couldn't just let me live my life while you lived yours. No, you had to inject yourself into my life as forcibly as if you raped me. You had to rip me apart just to satisfy some inner need you had to be Superior to the fucking weird "tranny."
"Put on your big girl panties." "Man up." "Stop whining, you snowflake!" "Grow a pair."
Yeah, easy for you to say- no one is fucking insulting your basic humanity. I hear it almost EVERY DAY.
Almost
EVERY
GODDAMN
DAY!
Been almost four years for me. How about you? Could you take that kind of abuse for so long? And I have to smile and take it. Because if I don't, I'M the bad person. I'M not showing the proper respect and deference.
And here's the kicker. You don't even have the guts to say it where I can react. No, you say it while I'm at work, behind a counter. You KNOW that I can't respond. You KNOW that I can't do a fucking thing back to you. "Thank you sir, may I have another?" You're a fucking coward, and you know it. Would you say these things in a place where I could react? Where your "freedom of speech" may have consequences? Of course you wouldn't.
You wouldn't give a fuck if I'd blown my head off instead of transitioning. I'm just another replaceable servant to you- a forgettable cog in the machinery of your life. If it weren't me, someone else would be there providing whatever service it is I'm providing.
So, No, I don't accept your lame-ass apology. Because you don't mean it, and we both know it. You don't give a shit about my feelings. You just want to pretend. Live your little fantasy of being a "good person." You don't care about the damage you've inflicted, because you don't care to know. You're just going to waltz on with your life.
So, just Go. Get out of my face. Don't even fucking pretend that you care. You've already insulted my life and appearance- don't insult my intelligence as well.
(My dear friend Gina wrote something about this as well- and was far more eloquent than I)
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough, I sense that a part of your anger at being misgendered comes from being denied your voice denied to you at work. You present well enough as a female, and the few voice clips you've provided show an increasing skill at speaking in a feminine way. So you are right to feel disturbed each time you are misgendered, whether it is by accident or not.
In previous posts, you've mentioned members of a nearby church who pester you at work. You have been powerless to deal with these hateful people in the manner which they deserve, due to the nature of your position at work. You have to "grin and bear it", especially in the "hit and run" encounters these people torture you with. I don't know how you put up with this, and I know that "Frustration" is too weak a word to describe the feeling that you experience. Sadly, you can't tell these folk to F-off, as you could do in another environment. The nature of your work has stolen your voice, and it hurts. (I suffered with something similar when I was growing up, and it still haunts me many years later.)
Your efforts have not been wasted. Aren't you happier being your authentic self? No one said this was going to be an easy road for you. Being authentic is never easy, and some people buckle under the weight of authenticity. You haven't so far, and I don't think you will do so in the long term.
The people who misgender you out of spite, ignorance and hatred have bigger problems than you have. They have surrendered their free will to a tribe in exchange for a false sense of identity. Their tribe will abandon any one of them when it suits the tribe's needs. The individual in the tribe is in a perpetual game of "Russian Roulette" - something you abandoned when you became your authentic self.
You chose to authentically recognize yourself for who and what you are. You should be proud to be who you are. You should be proud of your accomplishments! Don't let the bastards take that away!
M