Looking through old "Notes", I found something I posted the following on my "drab" facialbook page on October 15, 2013. At the time, I was still in a psychological tailspin from all that had happened:
I realized my life as I knew it was over. I was spinning swiftly toward suicide. I will comment in the text in [BLUE Italics]. Aside from the comments (and spacing for clarity) this is unedited.
*******************************************************************
Change is very scary.
So scary that an entire political party fanatically opposed to it. This past month my life changed a hell of a lot. Pretty much everything changed. Wow. I mean really, wow.
Right now, I’m in a holding pattern. I hold two part time jobs. In one I am working without a contract, so technically it could end at any time (but my truly boss [Huh? Typo?] has assuring me that this is not going to happen soon.) In my other, well let’s just say that certain powers that be don’t feel as loyal towards me as I do to the company for which I’ve worked for nearly 10 years [Very true. management at that time did their best to make me feel unwelcome, and it wouldn't be the last time that the particular job in question screwed me over] Probably said too much there but there it is.
In any case, I work somewhere between 60-70 hour weeks and I don’t make enough to live on my own. I put out 10 resumes a day. I place calls. Nothing. [That hasn't changed] Time to change careers and ignore the Masters degree I spent so much time and money earning? Go back to bartending and waiting tables? Going on welfare isn’t an option. I earn my keep, thanks for asking. Save that money for those who truly need it. [My friends have been VERY generous to me in the occasions when I have needed it. I don't deserve you.]
I’m currently living with a friend as she is a very generous soul. I have no idea where my marriage is going, or what the future holds vis a vis my daughter. I have no idea where I will be a year from now; physically, emotionally, financially, employment-wise… no idea. [A year later, I was living with Linda and Zoey in an apartment in Norristown. I had gone Full time as a woman as well.]
It IS a bit liberating in one way: when your life has been torn down to almost nothing, you can rebuild it almost any way you’d like. The possibilities are almost endless, like a blank piece of paper. [Qualifier to that statement- one needs money to start over fresh. Which I didn't/don't have.] My only restriction is that I want my daughter in my life, so I’m tied to the Philly area. Where there are no jobs in my field. Well, none I can get apparently.
Things will change more. A lot more. [Hinting toward transition or death] Why? Well, because the world changes. And because I must adapt and change with it. The person I am now is not the same person I was a year ago. I am radically different from the person I was five years ago. [One year prior, I wasn't on HRT. Five years prior I was still in denial about my Truth.] I like to think I still hold true to my standards and morals, but I HAVE compromised on some things. I am no longer the ranting kid who attended anti-Reagan rallies in college. Oh I’m still passionate about many things, especially politics, but I’d like to think I can see past it to the person behind opposing opinions. Also I no longer drink like I have a death wish. [I did have a death wish.] I literally couldn’t continue with that and be a responsible father.
So, I will change more. In some ways the changes will be radical, but in most, they will not be. I guess my midlife crisis has been thrust upon me in some ways, but in others I am just being true to the person I was born to be. [A woman] I have not yet reached my potential. I’ve been afraid of it- shunned it- avoided it. Now that all has burned around me, it’s time to stop being afraid.
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. (My wife is still my best friend, despite all that has happened.) [Lisa, obviously. But I hadn't spoken about her to any of my cisgender friends. Many of them asked me about her, and how I knew her, etc.] I am still not over it, especially as it came hot on the heels of my ejection from where I lived. But it DID cause me to consider who and what I am. And why. [Once again, a Woman]
She left behind a loving family. More friends than I ever had. A career. I understand the why of it, having battled that Darkness myself.
I also understand that I need to Change, and that only I can do this. I am responsible for my life, no one else. Those who come along for the ride are very much appreciated. I know some will not. That’s ok too. [Once again, transition or death] I need positivity for the path I need to walk. So there you have it. My mind in full. May God have mercy on my soul and that of those I love, as this will NOT be easy
*****************************************************************
And it hasn't been.
I hadn't read that post in years- since I wrote it really. Late August/September is coming, which includes the anniversaries of all these events. I absolutely dread the coming of this time of year, as it drags up all of the old memories and thoughts. And it includes my birthday.
With those memories and thoughts come the Darkness.
People have said to me very recently about "how brave you are" and "you are so strong." No, I'm not. I am scared, lonely, and fragile.
I see so many other transpeople who transition and live effortlessly. Is it due to better planning? Are they just smarter/stronger/better than me?
It's late at night now. I'm crying and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow.
Be well.
- MIL discovering I'm Trans
- Wife saying she would not move to a new place with me
- Being thrown out of the house
- Lisa Empanada's suicide
I realized my life as I knew it was over. I was spinning swiftly toward suicide. I will comment in the text in [BLUE Italics]. Aside from the comments (and spacing for clarity) this is unedited.
Picture from September 2013. Makeup by Amanda Richards
*******************************************************************
Change is very scary.
So scary that an entire political party fanatically opposed to it. This past month my life changed a hell of a lot. Pretty much everything changed. Wow. I mean really, wow.
Right now, I’m in a holding pattern. I hold two part time jobs. In one I am working without a contract, so technically it could end at any time (but my truly boss [Huh? Typo?] has assuring me that this is not going to happen soon.) In my other, well let’s just say that certain powers that be don’t feel as loyal towards me as I do to the company for which I’ve worked for nearly 10 years [Very true. management at that time did their best to make me feel unwelcome, and it wouldn't be the last time that the particular job in question screwed me over] Probably said too much there but there it is.
In any case, I work somewhere between 60-70 hour weeks and I don’t make enough to live on my own. I put out 10 resumes a day. I place calls. Nothing. [That hasn't changed] Time to change careers and ignore the Masters degree I spent so much time and money earning? Go back to bartending and waiting tables? Going on welfare isn’t an option. I earn my keep, thanks for asking. Save that money for those who truly need it. [My friends have been VERY generous to me in the occasions when I have needed it. I don't deserve you.]
I’m currently living with a friend as she is a very generous soul. I have no idea where my marriage is going, or what the future holds vis a vis my daughter. I have no idea where I will be a year from now; physically, emotionally, financially, employment-wise… no idea. [A year later, I was living with Linda and Zoey in an apartment in Norristown. I had gone Full time as a woman as well.]
It IS a bit liberating in one way: when your life has been torn down to almost nothing, you can rebuild it almost any way you’d like. The possibilities are almost endless, like a blank piece of paper. [Qualifier to that statement- one needs money to start over fresh. Which I didn't/don't have.] My only restriction is that I want my daughter in my life, so I’m tied to the Philly area. Where there are no jobs in my field. Well, none I can get apparently.
Things will change more. A lot more. [Hinting toward transition or death] Why? Well, because the world changes. And because I must adapt and change with it. The person I am now is not the same person I was a year ago. I am radically different from the person I was five years ago. [One year prior, I wasn't on HRT. Five years prior I was still in denial about my Truth.] I like to think I still hold true to my standards and morals, but I HAVE compromised on some things. I am no longer the ranting kid who attended anti-Reagan rallies in college. Oh I’m still passionate about many things, especially politics, but I’d like to think I can see past it to the person behind opposing opinions. Also I no longer drink like I have a death wish. [I did have a death wish.] I literally couldn’t continue with that and be a responsible father.
So, I will change more. In some ways the changes will be radical, but in most, they will not be. I guess my midlife crisis has been thrust upon me in some ways, but in others I am just being true to the person I was born to be. [A woman] I have not yet reached my potential. I’ve been afraid of it- shunned it- avoided it. Now that all has burned around me, it’s time to stop being afraid.
A few weeks ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. (My wife is still my best friend, despite all that has happened.) [Lisa, obviously. But I hadn't spoken about her to any of my cisgender friends. Many of them asked me about her, and how I knew her, etc.] I am still not over it, especially as it came hot on the heels of my ejection from where I lived. But it DID cause me to consider who and what I am. And why. [Once again, a Woman]
She left behind a loving family. More friends than I ever had. A career. I understand the why of it, having battled that Darkness myself.
I also understand that I need to Change, and that only I can do this. I am responsible for my life, no one else. Those who come along for the ride are very much appreciated. I know some will not. That’s ok too. [Once again, transition or death] I need positivity for the path I need to walk. So there you have it. My mind in full. May God have mercy on my soul and that of those I love, as this will NOT be easy
*****************************************************************
August 2017
And it hasn't been.
I hadn't read that post in years- since I wrote it really. Late August/September is coming, which includes the anniversaries of all these events. I absolutely dread the coming of this time of year, as it drags up all of the old memories and thoughts. And it includes my birthday.
With those memories and thoughts come the Darkness.
People have said to me very recently about "how brave you are" and "you are so strong." No, I'm not. I am scared, lonely, and fragile.
I see so many other transpeople who transition and live effortlessly. Is it due to better planning? Are they just smarter/stronger/better than me?
It's late at night now. I'm crying and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow.
Be well.
<<People have said to me very recently about "how brave you are" and "you are so strong." No, I'm not. I am scared, lonely, and fragile.
ReplyDeleteI see so many other transpeople who transition and live effortlessly. Is it due to better planning? Are they just smarter/stronger/better than me?""
It's dumb luck that you are where you are in life. I was lucky to have had a good job for 30 years AND to have owned my own home. It's not that they are stronger or better - just luckier. Strength has nothing to do with where you are in life. You just don't have the options many people have - and you keep marching forward.
Where I'm going with this is that you are choosing to live an authentic life. This is always the hardest thing to do. But it is what we do when there is no alternative left to us. And you are an inspiration to us because you keep choosing that authentic life, with all the pain involved.
M
Life should be more than dumb luck. But it isn't is it?
DeleteOthers have told me, too, how brave I am. When I look at what I've accomplished thus far I don't feel that I was courageous. But I well remember how terrified I felt so I guess I was. Looking forward now I feel a bit less anxious.
ReplyDeleteIt's darned hard being trans, that's certain, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
I do hope you're proud and happy. You look like you are. You're a beacon for us.
Proud and happy? No, far from. I don't think I'm wired that way
DeleteWe are all scared, lonely and fragile and if transition is effortless for some I want to meet them and learn their secret. Like you I worry about what my future holds and know that I have no other choice but to try to live authenticity. You are brave, don't think you are not. You have come so far. Hang in there and look for dumb luck. It does happen to good people like you, too.
ReplyDelete