Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Thick Skull

Every person had parent(s) with certain phrases they used a lot.  They seem so serious when you hear them as a child, but when you're older sound pretty ridiculous.

One I heard enough was some variation on "Thick skull."

"Can't you get that through your thick skull?"  "When will you get it through your thick skull?"  That sort of thing.

Now, like all kids there were times I was quite stubborn, or just wouldn't listen.  And, of course, there were times I wouldn't behave.

And the Truth is- I DO have a Thick Skull.


I am stubborn.  I always have been, and, while in some ways it has hurt me, for the most part it has served me well.  If I weren't so stubborn I would've been dead long ago.  If I weren't so persistent, I wouldn't have graduated college, never mind getting a masters degree (what little good that's done me.)

Being stubborn is something I looked for in women when I was dating.  And Wife is stubborn.  She doesn't compromise her beliefs.  And Daughter has inherited that stubborn streak from us both, which I'm sure will not be fun when she's a teen.

But, as noted above, being Thick-skulled has a downside.

I transitioned when I was 47 years old.  That was 47 years of absolutely HATING myself.  Being disgusted by who and what I saw in the mirror.  Taking to heart every negative thing and every rejection I heard and had in my life.  Raging against my own existence, and trying to drink away the Pain.

I hated the fact that I was even born.  Still do in fact.

It's been several weeks of unplanned life.  And I still get messages, private and public, of support.

I've always ignored them before as well meaning, but misguided.  After all, I knew what they did not- that my soul was a rotted, blackened shell.  That any praise was just the person being polite.  It never occurred to me to take any of it seriously.  After all, this was ME they were talking about, and I have never ever been praise-worthy.

A random thought- in British slang "thick" also means "stupid," as in brain dead, numpty, dolt, dillon, dummy, pranny.   And as many of you know, my Mum is a Scot.

The past few weeks, I have been genuinely trying to grasp what my Life truly means.

I've tried to let myself let go a bit and actually Enjoy life.  Life as it is now.  This has involved taking a Hard Look at myself.  Who am I?  What am I?  Is this all that I am?  Is there nothing more?  (Sorry- got all V'ger there for a second.)

I see myself- and I see many of the Dreams of my youth have come to pass.  I look in the mirror and see, aside from one major detail, a Woman.  My breasts are the size I always dreamed they would be- what I wanted. (Yes, I know how I lucky I am with that.)  My looks are feminine enough.  Could be better.  My hair is long.

And here's the Rub:  as I wrote above, all I've gained, all of who I am: making it through college, getting a masters, transition, even simply surviving- is ALL because I'm too damn stubborn.

But, and here's my point (finally): sometimes I'm too stubborn- too thick-skulled for my own good.  All of those wonderful things people have said; all of the notes and messages...  just bounced off.

I didn't let them in.

Until now.

I'm actually listening.  I'm beginning to think that MAYBE, just MAYBE, those people, those incredible friends who cared enough about me to write/call...  may have a point.

Maybe I'm not just a disgusting blob of fat; unfit to live.  Maybe my words DO make a difference.

Maybe there is Hope.

From Death of Captain Marvel by Jim Starlin (1982)

As the Norwegians sang:  "Slowly learning that life is ok."

Be well.


  1. As I have told you, and many of the same people we both know, "YOU are an inspiration to so many people, someone who has fought to become the real you, and if anyone is an 'Internet Sensation' is YOU". I am so glad to have you as a friend and my BESTIE. Hugs

  2. I am glad you are finally coming around. Many people love you and like how open you are. You are not the first person to have a thick skull and I am sure you will not be the last. I've been told that lots of times as well, but I like to consider it as persistency. When we set a goal, we achieve it. That can be an advantage you can use in business and life in general. I hope you don't think of it as another flaw, as life is about the proper perspective..

  3. You're amazing in so many ways, Sophie. You are loved FAR more that you realize. It's time for that realization! Love you, girl!

  4. I'm so happy for you! Those kinds of questions about what you want to do with your life are every bit as important and exciting as looking back to appreciate how far you've come. And don't blame yourself too much, the depression clouds everything and makes you reject your self-worth. That's why it's so important to listen to what your friends are saying even if you don't dare believe it yourself.

    One slightly sour note with a silver lining, though--while you should very rightly be extremely proud of how far you've come, don't get cocky and think you've beaten the took years to develop and it has deep roots. But the hope and positivity you're cultivating how will give you the skills to fight it, and it'll get easier every day, I promise. Be mindful of it and beware the little self-accusations that'll creep into your thoughts, but most importantly enjoy rediscovering you! :)

    1. I am ALWAYS aware that the Darkness will always be with me. It will never leave. So I have to remain vigilant.

  5. Fantastic positive post. I'm very happy for you, and yes you should be happy for yourself!