Saturday, October 29, 2016

A Day of Rage

A few days back, October 26, 2016, I had a very BAD day.

On that day, my Rage took over everything.  It was just like life before I transitioned- the Anger, the Pain.  Everything was against me.

Before clocking in that day

I worked 11-7 that day.  For the first hour, I was covering the manager's lunch, so I was de-facto manager.  My first customer encounter was when the cashier nearest the door needed a return authorization.

The customer was a young woman with a baby carriage.  After I arrived, she was surrounded by an old man and an old woman.  I asked the customer if she knew these people.  She said "no" and looked disturbed, as these people were standing quite close to her.

A Diagram.

I smiled at the old people and said "I'm sorry, but the line is down there," pointing down the row where three other customers were patiently waiting their turn.  The old man pointed at the woman and said "she's with me."  I said "Ok.  But the line is still down there."  I was still trying to be pleasant, yet forceful.

Then the old woman said "I don't see why I should have to wait in line."

I said "Everyone else waits in line.  Please join them."

She refused.

At this point, I got angry.  That fat old entitled person felt she was better than everyone else, and that the rules of polite society didn't apply to her.  I was about to say something when the woman who was REALLY next in line said "just let them go ahead," obviously disgusted.

I was ready to read these entitled people the Riot Act, but thought better of it, as I'd lose my job, and stormed away.

But the damage was done.  I was furious.

From then on, nothing went right.  If I needed to move something, it got stuck.  Or it fell over.  After the manager's break ended, I explained what happened, but she didn't seem to care.  I went back to the registers, where I was working with a coworker who loves to complain about everything.  CONSTANTLY.  And she repeats everything she says.  So I got constant complaining squared.  "I can't believe you let them do that!  I can't believe you let them do that!"  "This is crazy!  This is crazy!"

A
l
l
D
a
y.

I finally went beyond my limit and had to do my best not to snap at people.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  I wanted to hurt someone- beat someone until I got tired.  I wanted to destroy something: anything.  I didn't care if I got fired.  I was prepared to quit if a manager said anything I half construed as bad.

I went on break and posted to facialbook.


I was absolutely possessed by Rage.  I wanted to go home and cry.  I wanted to Inflict.

Add to this, it was Daughter's ninth birthday, and I didn't know if I would see her.  After my break, Wife and Daughter did come in.  I received much needed hugs.  That helped keep me from going completely ballistic.

It had been years since I had been this angry.  When I would Rage against everything.

When I FINALLY finished my shift, I started home.  I tried to calm down but I couldn't.  Wife called me, and invited me to dinner at Daughter's favorite pizza place.  So I went.  And I did my best to enjoy my time with my family.  Then I went home.  And posted again on facialbook.



Eventually, I went to bed, still fuming.  (Before I transitioned, if I lost my temper, I'd be angry for days.)  I wanted so desperately to die.  I wanted to end the Pain.  I laid in the dark, listening to my roomie and bestie, Linda, breath heavily as she slept in her bed on the other side of the room.  And my mind raced.

Why was I so angry?  What set me off so badly that it was like I never changed?  Then it occurred to me.  Like a Flash of Light.

I was Furious at myself.

Yes, the anger WAS like before transition.  It was directed inward.  It was pure passionate HATE of everything I am.

But what triggered it?

Simple.  Once I determined WHO I was angry at, it was easy to determine the cause.

I failed to do the Right Thing.  I walked away from a situation where there was Wrong, without making it Right.  Why?  Because of Fear.  I was afraid for my job.

I allowed someone to flaunt the "rules" of polite society, thus inconveniencing several others.  It was within my power to correct it, and I didn't.  I didn't live up to my Own standards of right and wrong.  I didn't Act.

I set a VERY high bar for my behavior.  I have to- I talk a big game about Morality and Courage and Doing Right.  And I didn't live up to those standards.  And that made me VERY angry at myself.  Just like back in September when I had a Plan and didn't execute it (and I STILL don't know why I didn't.)

The next morning, still angry, I posted on facialbook again.


I considered just deactivating my account- going silent.  But I didn't.  I was tired of all the Noise.  I needed Quiet.  I needed Calm.  But I had to work... and the Complainer would be there.

I made it through that shift, and, eventually, calmed myself.  Understanding WHY I was so angry helped me toward a very necessary next step- one that I never allowed myself before.

I forgave myself.

I worked again yesterday.  Normal shift.


Today, I went to the King of Prussia Mall for "Mall Trick or treating" with Wife and Daughter.  I had a good time, as did Daughter.  As Daughter doesn't like chocolate, Wife and I divided the chocolate Daughter received between us.  The sacrifices we make as parents!

Trick or Treat!

Now, I'm sitting at the apartment, listening to the Grateful Dead (Des Moines, IA, June 16, 1974) and typing.  Linda is taking a nap in the next room.  Tonight, we're going out for a bit.  Penn State won its game against Purdue.

All is well.  The Rage is gone.  But the damage it left behind in my soul still needs cleaning up.

The Person who raged and Hated against themselves is Gone.  I shed that shell over two and a half years ago.  But 47 plus years of self-hatred is hard to leave behind.  I will bear those scars for eternity.

Monday marks Eight years since re-discovering myself.  It will be Halloween.  And for my Wiccan friends, it is Samhain.

If I don't post again, have a wonderful holiday!

Be Well!


2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you for your cogent and constructive review of my work. I will take you as seriously as I take any troll.

      Which means not at all. However, I at least have the courage to post using my NAME.

      Coward.

      Delete