It's been nearly two and a half years since my dearest friend, Lisa Empanada, killed herself. I think of her constantly.
At her funeral, I promised Lisa that I would transition for the both of us. I keep my promises. But the Darkness never left me. Lisa used to say she was “one bad day away from trying again.” And she acted happy. No one knew she was planning to die. I was trained to spot suicidal “clues” but I never saw them in her. I failed her. And she’s dead. Her death is a scar on my soul that will never heal.
What about my promise to Lisa to transition?
I hold it fulfilled.
I can go no further in transition than where I am now, as I simply have no money and doctors aren’t known for doing freebies. Nor would I ask for one. So I will always walk between genders, forever neither one nor the other. I am a Woman, yet I am not.
I wish things were different, but wishes simply don't come true, and dreams are deceptions.
Lisa, I'm sorry. I've done all that is humanly possible. I live as a woman full time. My male self is long dead and buried. However, the obstacles that prevent the completion of my transition are simply insurmountable. No amount of tears or hard work can change that. With the promise fulfilled, I can make other plans. Try to conquer other obstacles, I guess. There are always obstacles.
I started life poor. I will end that way as well it seems. I am weak.
But, I kept my Promise.
I miss you Lisa.
At her funeral, I promised Lisa that I would transition for the both of us. I keep my promises. But the Darkness never left me. Lisa used to say she was “one bad day away from trying again.” And she acted happy. No one knew she was planning to die. I was trained to spot suicidal “clues” but I never saw them in her. I failed her. And she’s dead. Her death is a scar on my soul that will never heal.
What about my promise to Lisa to transition?
I hold it fulfilled.
I can go no further in transition than where I am now, as I simply have no money and doctors aren’t known for doing freebies. Nor would I ask for one. So I will always walk between genders, forever neither one nor the other. I am a Woman, yet I am not.
I wish things were different, but wishes simply don't come true, and dreams are deceptions.
Lisa, I'm sorry. I've done all that is humanly possible. I live as a woman full time. My male self is long dead and buried. However, the obstacles that prevent the completion of my transition are simply insurmountable. No amount of tears or hard work can change that. With the promise fulfilled, I can make other plans. Try to conquer other obstacles, I guess. There are always obstacles.
I started life poor. I will end that way as well it seems. I am weak.
But, I kept my Promise.
I miss you Lisa.
With Lisa, June 2013
Sophie, I consider you a good friend and I think you are a beautiful soul. I do not want to detract on anything you promised Lisa but I would like you to consider something. You have fully transitioned you are living 24/7 you stated that your old self is gone that is a complete transition. If there is anything else it is just gravy. Anything a Dr does or does not do for you from now on doesn't affect your transition. Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteSophie:
ReplyDeleteI think you should seriously consider setting up a "Go Fund Me" account, and graciously accept donations towards your ultimate surgery. Considering how many read your blog, how many friends they have, how many lives you've touched -- you could go a long way towards your goal. Just a thought.
In memory of your friend, Lisa.
Rhonda
Dear Sophie,
ReplyDeleteI have been a follower for years it seems and never written. I have to take exception with your statement today . . . "I am weak".
Sophie, you are one of the strongest women I know. To get where you are today has taken a super-human amount of courage.
So, sister, weak you ain't!
Marcia
Marcia is quite correct, Sophie. You've done everything you can. Your day will come. You have fulfilled your promise.
ReplyDeleteI featured this post on T-Central.
Calie