Thursday, January 14, 2016

How do I say Thanks?

A couple of blog entries ago was all about a go fund me that I launched to help me pay for my name change.  I did it reluctantly, for three reasons.

The first is I dislike charity for myself.  I want to earn my own way through this world as much as possible.

The second is that I don't feel worthy of charity.  How have I earned it?  There are many others who are FAR worse off than I am.  They deserve charity more than I do.  Granted, I wouldn't be alive today without the charity of my dear friend M, who opened her home to me, which I can never repay.

The third is that I didn't think it would work.  I didn't think I'd make even $100, never mind my goal of $1000.  After all, people have their own problems, so why should they care about mine?  Besides, I'm just a fat TG with a blog- who REALLY gives a damn about me?  Besides, my situation is utterly hopeless.  To believe it would work means I have hope.  And I didn't.

Yes, that's what a life time of self hatred and depression can do to a person's self image and confidence.


The real reason I did it was to show I was right, and three people specifically were wrong.

Well, before I say anything else, I want to say publically that I WAS WRONG.


The other two (who I won't name as I don't have permission), YOU WERE RIGHT.

Within minutes of  my posting about the go fund me on Facialbook, I received my first donation, and it was from my dear friend, the beautiful Victoria.  I sent her a thank you text, then went to bed.

I woke up and went to work.  Didn't bother checking.  On my first break from work, I checked, and I was much higher than I ever thought I'd be.  I couldn't believe it.

I started sending thank you notes, but most of the donations were anonymous, including the largest one.

One of the donations was from someone who I KNOW is in similar circumstances to my own, yet she donated.  She couldn't afford it, yet she did.  She knows who she is, and I will say this, GF, you made me cry.  Tears of happiness.

Then I checked Facialbook.  I noticed that some people had SHARED my post.  Actually a lot.  50 times in fact.  One person, a GG ally and dear friend named Brittany, wrote a little something to go with the post.

And an evangelical commented on her post, calling me "morally corrupt."  That led to some... posts being exchanged between him and me.

Brittany, you also made me cry... and blush.

Look at those shares!  

To my absolute astonishment, I made my goal within a day.  I couldn't believe it.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I still can't.

Which brings me to the point of this entry: how to say Thanks to everyone who helped?  It wasn't just the money, even though that was the reason behind the whole thing.  It was that people cared enough to reach out and help ME.  Useless, hopeless Me.

My friends, you have given me HOPE.

And maybe that was the whole point that Sandy and the others were trying to make- they were trying to show me that there IS hope.  They knew I wouldn't just take what they were saying at face value- especially when "I knew better."  Since what they were telling me "went against the narrative" playing inside my head.  They had to prove it to me- show me how wrong I was.

And they did.  YOU did.

Dear reader, as you can see above, the goal is quite crushed.  In fact, there's enough for me to use a lawyer to do the name change (saving me at least two days off work and a LOT of hassle) and STILL give Renaissance a hefty donation.  But I'm also going to cheat just a little bit.  I'm holding a little money back... to pay forward.  Someone will need help, and I want to be able to give them what you have given to me: Hope.

So how do I say Thanks?  I really don't know.  I am humbled.  So humbled.  And so very grateful.  I guess the only way to really thank all of you is first to say it:

then to hold onto the light of the Hope you've all given me- keep it in my heart.  Have it ready when the Darkness returns.  My own light of Eärendil.  

I have a 10 AM appointment with a lawyer on Friday.  The process will begin.  Soon, I will be Sophie legally.

Thanks to You.

Be well.

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations, I know from experience how much holding the correct paperwork can mean. For so long in the UK it could not be done and now it is quite easy and costs a fraction of what you are expected to pay. By the time I found your page it was already far past the target. I look forward to reading the post about how you feel when that legal change has been made.

    I have always thought that similar schemes could help people find the way to fund surgery of build a fund to give interest free loans, just a thought...