I don't write about Wife and Daughter much, as I like to keep that part of my life private.
What I can say is that I see them sporadically. I will go weeks without seeing them, then see them a few times in a week. I see my dog, Nittany, even less.
I still love Wife. I really wish we weren't in the situation that we find ourselves. But we are.
Today I took my daughter to a playground. We ran around a bit. Well, she ran around- I sat in the shade as much as I could. I did roll down a hill though. As we were walking to the car to leave, she said "You're the best dad ever!"
Cue "me melting." I didn't cry though.
I saw Wife today as well. We had lunch and drove around a bit. Today, she, Daughter and MIL returned from a couple of days at Hershey Park. I wasn't invited, of course, but I'm used to that. If MIL is there, I won't be. A couple of weeks ago, they flew down to Myrtle Beach, SC to visit Wife's youngest brother, who now owns a veterinary practice there. I wasn't invited on that either (duh.)
The fact is that it bothers me a bit. I understand the WHY of it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. There's really nothing I can do about it. In the end, I had no choice but to transition. If not...
Well, you know.
I've been tired of late. I wonder if I'm sinking back into depression. I feel lethargic. Seeing Wife, Daughter, and (briefly) Nittany today brought me joy. So few things do anymore.
Being myself brings me Peace, not Joy. And Peace is a lot more then I've had most of my life. Joy? That comes from seeing my family. But it's a double edged sword as that also brings me Pain. It reminds me of all I lost.
Loss. Why does Transition have to be about Loss?
What I can say is that I see them sporadically. I will go weeks without seeing them, then see them a few times in a week. I see my dog, Nittany, even less.
Belly Scratch time!
I still love Wife. I really wish we weren't in the situation that we find ourselves. But we are.
Today I took my daughter to a playground. We ran around a bit. Well, she ran around- I sat in the shade as much as I could. I did roll down a hill though. As we were walking to the car to leave, she said "You're the best dad ever!"
Cue "me melting." I didn't cry though.
Happy Dad
I saw Wife today as well. We had lunch and drove around a bit. Today, she, Daughter and MIL returned from a couple of days at Hershey Park. I wasn't invited, of course, but I'm used to that. If MIL is there, I won't be. A couple of weeks ago, they flew down to Myrtle Beach, SC to visit Wife's youngest brother, who now owns a veterinary practice there. I wasn't invited on that either (duh.)
The fact is that it bothers me a bit. I understand the WHY of it, but it doesn't make it hurt less. There's really nothing I can do about it. In the end, I had no choice but to transition. If not...
Well, you know.
I've been tired of late. I wonder if I'm sinking back into depression. I feel lethargic. Seeing Wife, Daughter, and (briefly) Nittany today brought me joy. So few things do anymore.
Being myself brings me Peace, not Joy. And Peace is a lot more then I've had most of my life. Joy? That comes from seeing my family. But it's a double edged sword as that also brings me Pain. It reminds me of all I lost.
Loss. Why does Transition have to be about Loss?
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteBe careful. I detect depression in your words.
You may need more social outlets to keep the black dog of depression at bay....
M
Sophie -
ReplyDeleteA little more on what I said in my prior note....
I feel from the way you wrote this entry that you are becoming a little depressed due to the stresses that you are dealing with in your life.
Reminders of the good life you once shared with your wife and daughter are both enlivening and depressing. I'm hoping that you figure out the way to minimize the negative effects of your visits with wife and daughter. Your daughter needs you, but MIL gets in the way AND sees that wife and daughter are brought even closer to her way of life. Wife understands the problem, but has problems of her own which you likely have avoided discussing here. If I had an easy way for you to filter out the bad feelings without destroying the good, I'd give it to you. But this is something you need to seek - tools to protect yourself from emotional harm.
Like you, when I'm en-femme, I feel much more authentic - as if this was the way I was meant to be. But I can't even imagine what you're feeling, not having access to the ones you love most. I can only hope that one day, you'll find a way to have the happiness that only a family can bring, without the pain that MIL inflicts on you now.
M
Carry the words "You're the best dad, ever" with you at all times. It is a wonderful expression and right on target. I like the marriage of the present tense "You are..." with the concept of eternity. Obviously you love your wife and your daughter. At this point the joy of youth allows your daughter to express her feelings openly. The caution that covers your wife's ability to be expressive must be hard on her.
ReplyDeleteNever miss an opportunity to tell your wife and your daughter that you love them. The amount of time you get to spend with them is determined by current circumstances but you have to focus on the quality of your love rather than the quantity of time.
Is the greeting you get from Nittany different if the interval between visits is one week or one month? Is Nittany's greeting different depending on how you are dressed? I would think not. I am sure that you recognize that the love you feel from the dog relates to your organic core person. Do you think it is different in the case of your dauther? Your wife?
Pax
Pat