Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Tossed Out...

As my loyal readers know, I've been away for a bit.  My life has irrevocably changed.

It's been a couple of weeks since my last full post.  Since that time, I've been thrown out of my Mother In Law's (MIL) house, been to UNC, Atlanta for SCC, and back.

So much to write about, and I will get to it all in the fullness of time.  But first thing's first.

On Wednesday, August 28, I was informed by Wife that MIL wanted me out of the house, and that on that Friday she would be changing the alarm codes.  This meant that I could only come and go with Wife, as MIL would not let me in.  I was given two days to pack up and get out. 

Of course, there was no way in hell I could pack everything in that time, despite the fact that many books were already packed.  I posted about this on Facebook, and received many helpful comments.  I also received offers of help with the move.  Jamie and her husband as well as Jane Air and Hayden from Harrisburg came to help with their pickup trucks. As did another friend. Let's call her A.

I've known A for twenty years. She was dating someone in my old D&D group, and we clicked. We remained friends through the years and Wife and I attended her wedding. She volunteered to help. 

I thought for a bit. How could MIL really turn the knife if she wanted? Easy answer- announce to everyone I was TG while moving! And of everyone involved in the move, A was the only one who didn't know. She was there for the "Monique" outfit in 2009, had seen me in the Mary Marvel twice, and the Vampire once.  So she'd seen me dressed before.  Perhaps even suspected. 

So that Thursday night, I invited her to Rock Bottom. Yes, the same place I told Elizabeth, M, R, and Jamie. And I told her as well. Gave her the card. She looked at me and said "So what? I always though you were one of the girls." 

So now all that were helping knew about me.  That took away MIL's trump card.

So that Friday, I worked.  I also sent Wife a text.  You see, I thought when I was exiled, I would be gone from her and my daughter's life.  And I wanted one last night of "normal" life with them before leaving.  One of the things that Wife and I spoke about on our first date all those years ago was our mutual love of Star Wars.  She is as much a fanatic for the movies as I am.  We first bonded over this (and music and other things.)

So, as the last movie we'd watch together, I wanted to watch Star Wars one last time.  She agreed. 

I cried twice at work that day.  The idea that my whole life was coming apart and that I had no say in it was tearing me to pieces.

That night, after Daughter was in bed, I put on Star Wars, and as usual when watching it, she curled up and lay her head in my lap.  The opening crawl hadn't finished when she quietly said "This isn't the last movie we'll watch together.  We'll still watch movies."

I looked down at her with a questioning look. 

"I'm not throwing you out of our lives.  I fully expect you to be in [Daughter]'s life, and in mine."

I started crying again.

There is more to that conversation, but I'll keep that between she and I.

She fell asleep as the Millennium Falcon escaped from the Death Star.  I watched the whole thing.  And slept in my own bed for the last time.  At 3 AM, right on schedule, the dog put her paw in my face, wanting to go out.  I let her out and petted her a little extra when she came back in. 

The next morning, I packed like crazy.  As did Wife.  Jane and Hayden arrived first, then Jamie and her husband arrived.  A was thirty minutes later.  The day was extremely hot and humid, and I was quickly soaked thoroughly with sweat.  Thanks to their amazing help, most of my things were moved in a few hours, either into the storage space that used to hold my Sophie stuff, or to the place I'd be staying.

Before leaving for the last trip, I took the dog back to my old bedroom, and hugged her, petted her, and cried like crazy.  I also took a picture. 

My puppy.  :(

Then I went to the "living room" where Daughter was watching a movie.  I hugged and held her and told her I loved her.

"What's wrong daddy?"

"Daddy has to go away for a while."

Wife waited out by my car.  We hugged and kissed and cried.  Both of us.

I drove down the driveway, away from the place I called home for ten years, and my wife of twenty years.

I pulled over twice to cry on the way.

The plan was that I would treat everyone to dinner at Shangrila, and then some would come to Winberies, where Angela was having a special Laptop Lounge.  I also invited my "Big Sister" Mel.  I took a long, cold shower, as I was really overheated.  During the day, I went light headed a few times.  I then did a quick job on my makeup.  A was downstairs, and I introduced myself to her as Sophie for the first time.


Dinner was great, and most people went to Laptop.  I introduced A to everyone, and she seemed to have a blast.  A is an outgoing person and enjoys herself wherever she goes.  I plopped her into a room with dozens of transgenders and she just took it in stride and embraced it.  She really is a remarkable person.

I returned to the house around midnight, as I was thoroughly exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually, and any "ally"s I may have missed.  I washed off my makeup, and collapsed into the bed I'd be sleeping in for a while.  And cried myself to sleep.

So, what does this mean?  In the short term, it means that I am living by the charity of a friend.  It means seeing my daughter when I can.  It means seeing my dog when I can. It means crying a lot.

But it also means that I am free to be Me.  I can come and go as a woman.  I can go anywhere as Sophie, save work.  I can be full time, except for work.  And so I shall be.

While in Atlanta, I had my eyebrows done in a feminine style.  I went everywhere as a woman.  because I am one.  And I'm now setting up a date for FFS, and, God willing, going Full time including work.  After that, all that's between me and GRS is... Me.

The old cliche is that every cloud has a silver lining.  And so this one does as well.  Being kicked out of the nest gives me two choices- fall or Fly.

I've spent my entire life Falling.  It's time for me to fly.  And thanks to the support of so many wonderful people, I am doing it.

God Help me, I am doing it.



  1. I honestly have no idea what to say my friend, other than I wish you well and hope that you will be happy. :)

  2. Though you don't know me, rest assured that you are in my thoughts and prayers, hon! Hang in there...God Bless!


  3. Sophie -

    I also had trouble posting the link. Sent an email to FB saying that the link is not abusive, etc....

    Good luck....


  4. Dear Sophie, that was a hard post to read as I am going through the same thing. May the Force be with you.



  5. My story is quite similar. Joint custody of the kids our dog Buzz (she put Stormy to sleep when he kept crying for me). Right now things are as bad as they are going to get emotionally. I had the added ignominy of my wife cheating on me with one of my friends for 4 months before she moved out. I also lost my job when they found out. I was so depressed I attempted suicide. But it gets better. Lean on your friends heavily. If nothing else just hang out with them doing mindless things so you don't dwell. I lost everything but I have no regrets. I am putting my life back together now and I have the most wonderful people in life my lie including my now fiance' Tamara. Use the time to figure out just what parts of you are really you. (Lots of me was a fascade)

  6. so you can't afford to provide a home for your wife and kid and therefore have to live with your Mother in Law (who sounds like a whack job) but you can travel and hang out at night clubs and bars etc.

    While I understand your need to be sophie, but what about the responsibility to the daughter you brought into this world? You admit that your daughter living at your Mother in laws house is not a good situation (and I agree) but you put your needs ahead of your child. Most parents put their children first -

    Sounds a bit selfish on your part

    1. You would have a point, anonymous... but for one niggling detail. if you'd care to read back a few entries, you will see that I had a solution ready to go. but Wife nixed it. I was ready to sacrifice my entire financial future, my transition, everything, to provide a home for Wife and daughter, but I can't force them to take it.

      you can lead a horse to water, anonymous....

  7. Sophie

    thanks for allowing my post to go up. I have read your entire blog and make a point to come check it out routinely. Your point is valid - I do recall your solution. I think perhaps the situation may have been too far down the road for your wife to believe that - but I am not in her shoes.

    I wish you luck - - I will continue to follow along

  8. I allow all comments that are on point and non- vulgar. to do otherwise would be censoring debate, and I'm all for free expression of ideas.

    you may be right. Perhaps my solution was too late. I wish it were otherwise. in any case, thanks for reading and commenting! :)

  9. wow! talk about some turbulent posts! i hope things start looking up for you!