Monday, November 7, 2016

Christmas Curtain

Halloween is over, and, in retail, that means it's the holiday rush.

This is Hell on Earth.

I hate the holiday season.  I've said it many times, and here I'll say it again:


And many of my veteran readers know why.

I'll be without family for the first time this year.  As in, no parents.  I won't see Wife or Daughter, because of MiL's hate.

Add to the that the unbridled hate and greed that will be unleashed on everyone who works retail.  Yes, HATE.  The party of Trump (GOP) has given license to its followers to uncork all the rudeness and hatred they used to keep corked up.  Most of them pretended to be rational, polite human beings- but no more.

They have become Savage.

I have noticed it over the past few months.  They became ruder and ruder.  And now, throwing Greed and pressure into the mix...

The other night I worked and was misgendered (despite wearing a DRESS that showed off my cleavage), yelled at twice, and in general sneered at.

I wore THIS... and someone still called me "Sir."  Seriously.

My dear friend Kimberly Moore suggests that I should "let the Christmas spirit in."

What IS the "Christmas spirit?"  For me, decades in the service industry killed any trace of it.  The commercialization of it (remember when the season started AFTER Thanksgiving?) and the hypocrisy of Republican "Christians" (War on Christmas, anyone?)  Destroyed it.

I guess the "Christmas Spirit" is fragile.  It exists in the eyes of Children, like my daughter, who, yet again, I will not see on the holiday.

I have hated Christmas of old.  So, can I define the Christmas spirit?  It's SUPPOSED to be about the birth of Christ.  But it is a co-opted holiday.  It was originally a midwinter festival for several peoples, and the Romans coopted it to make it a "Christian day."  The Yule log, Christmas Tree, Santa Claus- all pagan from another era.

Is it about Family and friends?  That would be nice, wouldn't it?  How many transpeople are estranged from their families?  How many of us have few friends?

Guess that's out.

A co-worker defined it as "the joy of giving."  I can understand that.  However, I have given and given and given... my life has been serving humanity.  A special day just for it?  Sorry, I get no joy from it anymore.  I do it because it needs to be done.  And frankly, I'm tired of Giving and Giving and suffering because of it.

The Christmas Blues have been a constant in my life since I stopped believing in Santa Claus.  (I forget when that was.)  Yes, when I was a child, I enjoyed Christmas.  Our family was poor, but my parents did their best to make the holiday magical.  And it was.

Christmas makes me want to curl up in a ball and Cry.  Cry until I fall into hopefully dreamless sleep.  But every day, I'm faced with working retail.  With people telling me to "get into the holiday spirit."

I AM in the Holiday Spirit- but MY Holiday Spirit is far different from theirs.

Mine is Darkness.


Be Well.


  1. Dare I suggest that a proper closing would have been "Bah, humbug!"

    To say that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost, nay, transformed to an opulent gifting frenzy would be an understatement of maximum precision. My mostly estranged son and his baby mother and her coven showered their first child, my granddaughter, with a massive amount of age inappropriate gifts for her first four years to make up for their own inadequacies. The poor child could not play with or enjoy anything because they wanted her to play with and enjoy everything.

    I think your wife needs to stand up to her mother so that you can have a rightful role in wife's and daughter's lives -- especially around the holidays.

    Lastly, I urge caution posting disparaging comments about your work. Some employers go ape shit nuts and fire for personal expression that is tied even remotely to them. Danger Will Robinson.

    You may delete the above para. before posting this.

    My best to you,

    1. Rhonda, at what point in this blog have i EVER mentioned the name of my employer?

      In any case, you are probably right about "Humbug." But I don't need any more ghosts haunting my life. I have enough.

    2. I hear ya. I used to love the holidays. I am still holding on. Christmas was magical when I was a kid. Even when I met my wife it was pretty cool again. Their family had a bit on money and likes to buy stuff for me. When I got married, it was good for a number of years. As time wore on and my ex wife found my stash, it became harder to be joyous. We continued to be childless and that seemed to bother my ex wife. I tried my best to enjoy holiday movies and get a real tree. Money became tighter but we still splurged at Christmas. Then cane transition. Gifts dried up, Christmas became fragmented. I can't go to my brother's which would be optimal, or see my Mom because she is in Florida. So, I just have my landlady and her husband. In the market section, we are still inundated with customers, but, I work the closing shift and eventually they all leave and the store dies. I can also hide in the back doing things and bathroom trips for calming. It goes fast. I'm trying not to get depressed about it. I would love gifts again. I guess my Mom and landlady will give me a couple. Gifts remind me of those magical Christmases when I awoke in the middle of the night and tiptoed out to see the many presents all stacked nicely by my Mom(Santa)Under the glow of the Christmas tree. That image will stay with me forever.

  2. Your employer is clearly stated in your newspaper interview.