For Jenny

Last week was not a good one, for several reasons.  It was my birthday, for one.  However, the day before that, on the night of September 12, I received word that Jennifer Jensen died that morning.

"JJ" April 2010

I don't know if Jenny (JJ) was out to her family, so out of respect for her privacy, I must keep certain personal details vague.

I met JJ at my first Renaissance meeting/ Angela's Laptop Lounge in December 2008.  I was a mess- no makeup, rumpled outfit, bad shoes, and a cheap Halloween wig.  Despite my trollish appearance, Jenny was warm and welcoming, as were most of the people that night.

After the Renaissance meeting, everyone went over to Shangri-La for Angela's Laptop Lounge, the twice monthly transgender inclusive party.  At dinner, I sat next to JJ, and we talked.

I don't remember what we talked about, but she remembered me the next month and we talked some more.  I told her that I'd gotten a room at Motel 6 so I could change into/out of Sophie stuff, and she replied she did the same.  It made sense that we pool our resources, so for over a year, we split the cost of a motel room- usually the Motel 6.  After a month or two, we started having lunch before changing at a restaurant near the motel.  Jen Lehman soon joined us, and three of us became a small group.  For me, it was lunch, go get my makeup done by Amanda Richards, then meet them at the Renaissance meeting.  

Those first months of going out were frightening, but JJ was a calming influence.  She was that way for everyone.  I discovered that this was due to her high stress occupation during which she had to keep a cool head- a career she enjoyed since the 1970s until her recent retirement.  

Keystone 2010

Jenny wasn't "out" to her work colleagues (and again, possibly not to family), so secrecy was a must.  During our lunches we would ponder ways to keep our secrets hidden.  Eventually, I came out to my Wife, then to the world, and Jenny was so supportive.

After she retired, Jenny moved back to her home state, so I rarely saw her except at the Keystone Conference.  There she volunteered her time and expertise to the conference and her presence there will be sorely missed.  JJ helped run the Debutante program for new attendees in addition to originating and continuing to run the popular Friday night Bingo Spectacular.  She and Amanda Richards would wear outlandish costumes and gave away great prizes to winners and those who answered transgender trivia.  

JJ was an incredible person.  She gave of herself without thought of reward or seeking laurels.  She helped because she could, and because she wanted to.  She was an amazing person and an amazing friend.

May the four winds blow you safely home, Jenny.  I will miss you and try to live up to your example.

Inspirations: Victoria Datta

 I was challenged to write something positive, so I thought it was past time to honor another one of the people who inspire me everyday.  

I met Victoria that first night out as Sophie, when I went to a Renaissance meeting and to Angela's Laptop Lounge afterward.  She was (and still is) elegant beyond compare: exotic and aloof.  Also, I learned by asking someone that she was dating one of the Movers and Shakers in the Philadelphia transgender scene- the person who ran the Yahoo group that everyone used for events.  As I don't have permission to name that person, I'll assign her the pseudonym: W.  Victoria was "W's girl" which meant "stay away from her."  I always thought that was a lonely circumstance.  

Victoria

The first few times I saw Victoria, I thought she wasn't trans.  Then I wondered if she was one of the "pros" who would come out of the city to get some "business" from the admirers, but ended up dating W.  I admit: I was intimidated by her beauty, poise, and class.  I could never look that good.

Eventually, W introduced me to Victoria, and I did my best not to be dumbstruck.  Not long after, the local trans community was abuzz- W and Victoria had broken up!  I assume many people started hitting on her directly after, but I never saw her dating anyone.  

Around that same time, my therapist invited me to join a support group, then named "Trans Sans Sition."  Members of this group would become some of my dearest friends.  Victoria was there (in addition to Amy, and Jen L) and always had wise input.  She seemed so very approachable.  Eventually, she suggested the group change its name to Transquility, and so it remains to this day (however it is now virtual.)

Amy and Victoria Keystone 2015

During this time I really learned what an amazing person Victoria is.  Her strength and determination are awe inspiring.  She transitioned on the job at a major company, and was instrumental in writing policies for them concerning transgender employees.  Victoria also presents on that topic at various transgender conferences.  Soon after I came out, I was honored to co-present on the topic, as my company was smaller.  

Through it all, Victoria has been a model of grace, beauty, strength, generosity, and compassion.  I was honored to be invited to her Confirmation Party in May 2014 (which I wrote about here.)  She is a major music lover, including being a mega George Michael fan.  She spoke at my "coming out party" in 2015, and I did my best not to cry (I failed.)  

Debutante Party 2015

I could write so much more about this amazing woman, but I'm sure she'll blush enough at what little I have revealed.  She is a fairly private person.   All that said, the world is so much richer because she's in it, and she has been a guiding light and dear friend for years.

And her beauty still intimidates me,

Thank you for being you, Victoria!  I love you!

  

For Katie

Katie Ward passed away on Monday, June 14, 2021.  

She suffered from brain cancer which metastasized to her kidneys.  I'd like to think she was surrounded by loved ones, but I don't know.  There are many things I don't know about Katie, but this I do know: she was a dear friend and mentor.

Katie Ward, March 2020

I met Katie in early 2009, soon after rediscovering myself.  We hit it off nicely, but didn't really start speaking until I visited TransCentral PA a few months later.  We bantered back and forth, and learned about each other.  She was vital to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg every year, so I also saw her there.  Katie didn't BS people- she was blunt, and I liked that about her.  If I looked like shit, she said so.  If she thought I'd had enough to drink, she'd say that as well.

Laptop Lounge March 2009.  My first pic with Katie

Katie's life was all about service.  She served...  well, it's easier to do this.  The following is what TransCentral PA sent out about her passing.  It's how I learned she'd died.

We are sorry to announce the passing of our beloved friend and sister Katie Ward.

She passed on Monday, June 14th in a care facility after finding out less than a month ago she had stage 4 brain cancer which had metastasized to her kidneys. The prognosis was short, but she underwent a few treatments of radiation so she could have a little more time with her daughter and granddaughters. Although tired a lot in her last days, she said she had no pain.

Katie dedicated much of her life in service to others. She served our country honorably, first in the Navy, and then in the Air National Guard which she retired from after 20+ years of military service.

She was an officer of TransCentralPA for over five years and a volunteer/member for twice that amount of time. She would consistently host dinners around Harrisburg before our support group meetings to give people a chance to forge friendships both within and outside the group and build confidence in themselves. She enjoyed helping people and giving back.

She actively participated in many community organizations such as the Keystone Business Alliance whom she helped plan their annual awards banquet for a couple of years.

Her favorite event though was the one she helped grow into one of the largest events in the country--The Keystone Conference, A Celebration of Gender Diversity. Katie took on many roles at Keystone; she was the volunteer coordinator, the off-site event coordinator, the security coordinator, the Registrar and many others for several years. At the Saturday Night Gala of the last Keystone, Katie received a much-deserved standing ovation for her contributions to Keystone and the Central Pennsylvania community.

With her passing, Katie leaves behind a legacy of generosity, kindness and compassion. We will miss you Katie--thank you for being our friend.

So, you see, Katie was all about helping others.  I was one of many t-girls who benefitted from her wisdom and friendship.

It's so hard to write this.  Even though I knew it was coming, I still feel a deep hollow emptiness.  She did so much for so many- it just isn't fair that she should pass while so many useless people survive.  

Katie in a proper uniform

She was buried in a military cemetery under her birth name.  So the name Katie Ward passes into memory, kept only by those who knew her Truth.  I don't know how many of her family knew about Katie.  I think her daughter did.  In any case, we the transgender community have a responsibility to not just keep her memory alive, but to rise to the challenge that her service demands.  She showed us how caring and helping others can be done, and it's up to us to step up and continue her work.

I remember telling her several times that I wanted to be her when I grew up.  She would usually reply with "like you'll ever grow up."

Keystone Conference, 2017

It's rare that one can tell people exactly how you feel about them, and I took that opportunity with Katie.  Once I heard about her diagnosis (and that I couldn't visit due to covid restrictions) I messaged her on Facialbook and told her what she meant to me.  I hope she knew what she meant to so many people in our community, and how great her life impacted so many others.

I know that this piece doesn't begin to give justice to the beautiful soul who has left us, but I think everyone who knew her will understand the depth of grief we all share.  

On her page, I wrote "May the four winds blow you safely home", but I think a more appropriate parting would be "Fair winds and following seas, Katie."  I will miss you, dear friend, and do my best to follow your example.  

Photo by Cassandra Storm

Codex: Sophie 3.0

 This entry will be updated as needed, and it's been a while, so NEW EDITION!.  It's sort of a resource for the Blog.  Here you'll find basic definitions of terms and who the people are that I reference most often.

A quick summary of my life as it is currently:

Who am I?

That's a deep question.  I am Sophie Lynne.  I am a pre-operative transgender woman.  I was born in September 1966.  I graduated from Penn State with a degree in Education, then many years later I earned a Masters degree in Education, also from Penn State.  I married in 1993, and currently am still married.  My daughter was born in 2007.  I used to work at a bookstore as a supervisor, but was laid off in February 2018.  I am currently living in an apartment in State College, PA.  I went full time as a woman on March 25, 2014.  I now do Outreach at Universities, and wherever I'm invited, really.  I have been writing my whole life, and have been published in international magazines as well as the New York Times.  I wrote a book about my college years, but it has yet to be published. I've posted some chapters here in the blog, though.  In fall 2019, I moved back to State College to pursue my PhD in Continuing Learning and Adult Education with a minor in Gender studies at Penn State.  In August 2022, I passed my comprehensive exams, so I'm now an A.B.D (all but dissertation), so now I'm doing dissertation work.  Fun fun. 


What is Transgender?
According to the American Psychological Association, transgender is:

an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression, or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of being male, female, or something else; gender expression refers to the way a person communicates gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, hairstyles, voice, or body characteristics. “Trans” is sometimes used as shorthand for “transgender.” While transgender is generally a good term to use, not everyone whose appearance or behavior is gender-nonconforming will identify as a transgender person. The ways that transgender people are talked about in popular culture, academia, and science are constantly changing, particularly as individuals’ awareness, knowledge, and openness about transgender people and their experiences grow.   Source

HERE is another good definition with some follow up questions.


When did you realize you were transgender?
I knew I was different when I was four- that I was in the wrong body.  I was 11 when a special ran on the local news called the "Transsexual Dilemma" and I was like- That's me!"  Of course, being in a very blue collar family in the 1970s I thought I was only one like me in the world.  I cross-dressed for a while until I was about 16, then stopped.  I started again in 2008.  I realized that I needed to transition comparatively recently.

Like many TGs, I joined a fraternity in college. I also participated in hyper-masculine activities in an effort to bury my feminine feelings.

Frat boy???

Why did you choose to be Transgender?

I DIDN'T choose this.  I was born this way.  Being transgender is NOT a mental condition, it is a Physical condition. There are several theories as to how this happens:  a flood of estrogen in utero at the wrong time, faulty hormone receptors in the fetus... but in the end, no one really knows for sure.

Here's a VERY good discussion on the current theories.

Why would someone CHOOSE to be TG?  Why would they choose a life of prejudice and hatred?  A life where they constantly feel the anguish of not being "Right"?  41% of TG people attempt suicide.  Compare that to 3% who attempt suicide in the non-trans population.  Our murder rate is much higher than the cisgender population as well.  It's a HARD life.  An expensive one.  And, in the end, a life of uncertainty and pain.  Yeah, definitely my first choice.  *rolls eyes*


Why did you stop in 1983?

I was ashamed.  I felt like a freak.  And I'm sure if I were caught, the punishment would've been VERY severe.  So I suppressed it for many, many years- doing my best to be the guy I was expected to be.  I wasn't very good at it.  Remember, this was before the internet, so I thought I was the only "freak" who had those feelings.

Why do I call myself Sophie?

I didn't start with this name.  In December of 2008, I went for my first makeover at Femme Fever in NY.  Karen, the proprietor, did the makeup and asked what name I was using.  I told her but said it was not set in stone.  She stepped back and looked at me, as the makeup was finished, but I hadn't seen myself yet.  She looked at me and said "I have a strong feeling your name is Sophie."  She then turned the chair around so I faced the mirror and said "Say hello to Sophie!"

My First Look at Sophie

I usually don't ignore strong feelings, so I kept the name.  I added the Lynne part as I liked the sound of it.  I have been told that I "own [my] name!"  Ok.  Thanks!

Sophie is Greek for Wisdom, and I can use all the wisdom I can get.

Since becoming Sophie, I've researched famous Sophies in history.  By far, my favorite is Sophie Scholl.

What's your male name?

It was Lance.  Was.  Past tense.  I answer that question only because I mention it in posts occasionally.

Did you legally change your name to Sophie Lynne?

No.  I legally changed my name in October 2016, but not to Sophie Lynne.  Sophie Lynne remains as my nom de plume.  :)

Are you gay?

I am attracted to Women. (I'm married to one.)  I am not attracted to guys.  At all.  So,  I am considered a trans-lesbian.

Sexuality is who you are attracted to.  Gender is who you ARE.  The two are independent of each other.

What does Christ have to say about Transgender People?

He had the last supper in the home of a TG.  Luke 22:10 says And he said unto them, Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.  Back in Christ's day, Women carried water.  period.  Men did NOT do so.  Yet, this man did.  Why? The man was TG.  (I didn't make this up.  Google it!)


I think he's cool with us.  After all, why would God have made me this way if they weren't cool with it.  God doesn't make mistakes, right?

Have you had your surgery yet?

The normal answer to this would be something like "Why are you so interested in my genitals?"  I mean really, it's no one's business.  Calpernia Adams has a really wonderful video about questions like this one.   Also, there isn't just one surgery: there's facial feminization surgery, breast augmentation (no, I didn't have that), and Gender Correction Surgery.  I'll never be able to afford any of them, so there's your answer.

Baby I'm a Star!
Ok, not really. It doesn't happen often, but occasionally I get some press coverage.  Here are links:

Philadelphia Daily News Profile, June 2016
Penn State Abington Review of a talk I did, Nov 2015
Penn State Abington Review II, April 2017
Phoenixville Non-Discrimination Ordinance, March 2017
Me speaking at the Borough meeting, March 2017.  I'm at 14:15
Outward Today, Oct 2016

Dramatis Personae:
I use many pseudonyms for people in my life as I'm sure they don't want any publicity.  My favorite form of pseudonym is a random letter designation.  After Wife and daughter, they are in no particular order.  This list is FAR from complete.

Sophie Lynne:
Me.  Your humble hostess.  I am the youngest of two children, and I have an older brother.

April 2021 (pic by Chuck Fong)

Wife:
My wife is a couple of years younger than me.  We met in 1991 and married in 1993.  Like all couples, we've had our ups and downs.  I refer to her as "Wife" as a term of affection.  And she's cool with that.  She's the oldest of three children, and has two younger brothers.

Daughter:
My daughter was born in late 2007.  She's been without me in the house since 2013.  

Parents:  My mother died in January 2022, but father is still alive.  I told them about Sophie on Saturday, December 28, 2013.  The initial reaction was positive, and we've covered a LOT of ground. Things went well for a while, became really rough, but are better now.

OB:  Older brother.  Used to always beat me up and blame me for everything he did.  My parents always believed him over me.  I told him about being Sophie and he laughed at me, then lied to my parents about it.  He met his sister on Christmas day 2014.   We don't speak.

MIL: Mother in Law.  My wife's mother.  So right wing she thinks Rick Santorum is liberal.  Extremely intolerant of anyone who is not exactly like her.  Racist.  One insulted her Filipino daughter in law with a racial slur to her face.  For ten years, Wife and I lived in her house due to my inability to find a job that paid enough to move out.  I was thrown out of that house in late August of 2013 for being TG.

Mel:  My "Big Sister."  Mel transitioned in 2003.  She is an incredibly intelligent woman, and very plain spoken.  My therapist asked Mel to advise and mentor me, and we've become good friends.  I wouldn't be where I am today with out her candid, sometimes brutal, advice.  Mel is very good friends with Donna Rose, who was HER big sister.

Dr. Maureen Osborne:  My former therapist.  One of the leading minds in TG therapy.  She's fantastic!  She was my "Big Sister's" therapist as well. She retired in 2015.

Dr. Osborne (seated) receiving a gift at Transhealth, June 2013

Lisa Empanada:  My "transition buddy."  My Sister.  Aside from my Wife, she was my closest friend.  We could finish each other's sentences and often did.  She committed suicide on Monday, September 16, 2013.  Her death sent me into a tailspin which almost killed me.  I miss her very much.

Lisa Empanada

David:  David is a trans-man living in Baltimore.  I met him at Laptop Lounge back in February 2013, and really got to know him at Keystone 2013.  He is good people, but we've fallen out of touch.

Elizabeth:  Elizabeth was the first non-TG I told about being Sophie.  My first time out on Halloween 2008, she helped me pick out an outfit.  (She didn't know then.)  She and I worked together at the time, but she was moving to Turkey with her boyfriend. I was SO nervous!  But she was extremely accepting.  For a while, she was the only one of my friends who knew.  She gave me a party on the one year anniversary of going full time, and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding.

Dave:  Dave was the first cis-gender male that I told about being TG.  We are former co-workers.  He is married to Elizabeth.

M:  My coworker for several years.  She was among the first I told.  She's an unapologetic hippie from California, and her exploits could fill several books.  She is also VERY rich, and uses that money to help autistic children world wide.  She opened her home to me for nine months after MIL threw me out.

Jamie:  Another former co-worker, she now works in the publishing industry.  She is from Missouri and is an absolute delight!  She accepted me readily.

Linda Lewis:  One of my earliest inspirations, Linda is an amazing person.  Over time we started conversing on Facebook and became friends.  I met her at SCC.  She is an icon of the community, but more important, she is an amazing and down to Earth woman.  Linda is currently my room mate and bestie.  Yes, she moved to State College with me.  She's a BLAST to have around!

Linda Lewis, April 2017

Kimberly Huddle:  Another early inspiration.  Kim travels the country dressed as Kim for her drab job.  She lives in Texas, and, despite her folksy manner, is extremely sharp.  She's an amazing, beautiful woman and a great friend.  She has an amazing blog which inspired me to start this one.  Read it HERE.

Kim Huddle, on her second Philly visit.

Ally Raymond:  She's from Richmond, Va.  I met Ally at Lisa's affirmation party, and since then she's become an indispensable part of my life.  Tall, gorgeous, and so outspoken... she's a role model for transwomen!  At least I think so.  She married her longtime partner in 2021.

Ally, March 2017

Amanda Richards:  Owner of True Colors Makeup Artistry.  A absolute genius with makeup and a very dear friend.  She went to a rival Big 10 school, but I don't hold it against her.  ;)

Amanda Richards, March 2017

Lorraine Anderson:  Owner of Occasional Woman.  She makes a lot of the clothes to fit over my difficult to fit body.  Such a fun, caring, and genuinely amazing person whom I'm proud to call friend!  She also writes for TG Forum.

Lorraine and her worst customer

Sandy Empanada: Lisa's Widow, and one of the strongest people I know.  She's simply amazing.  She, and Lisa's daughters Kristy and Tiffany, are family to me (as are the entire Newell family.)

Jake, Sandy Empanada, Tiffany Empanada, David, me.  November 2013

DrD:  My oldest friend.  We met in kindergarten. He was Best Man in my wedding.  He is my best male friend.  I told him about my Truth, and he was supportive.  DrD holds two doctoral degrees, and is a fellow Penn Stater.  He is an amazing person, and I would die for him.

With DrD in October 2019

R:  My friend since 1980.  We graduated high school together.  US Army veteran and VMI graduate.  He was a groomsman in my wedding, as I was in his first wedding.  In his second, I was Best man.  When I came out to him, he cried, and swore to support me.  I have often said I would "take a bullet" for him.  And I continue to say that.  He met Sophie in late 2014.

A:  My friend since 1993.  I met her through her boyfriend of the time when he was in my D&D group.  She dumped him soon after, but we stayed in touch because we clicked.  She invited Wife and I to her wedding to her no-good husband (who abandoned her when her cancer relapsed.)  I told her about being TG right before moving out of MIL's house.


Glossary:

CD:  Short for Crossdresser

Cisgender:  The opposite of transgender.  A person whose body matches their gender identity.  In other words, almost the entire population of the planet.  More HERE.

Crossdresser:  A person who dresses as a woman.  Said person may or may not be transgender.  See HERE for more information.

"The Darkness":  My name for the pain and thoughts surrounding suicidal depression.

GCS:  Gender Confirmation Surgery. "Surgical procedures that some transgender people go through to obtain physical characteristics found in the opposite gender."  "The Operation."  Also known as "Sex change" and SRS.

GG:  Genetic Girl.  A woman who was born female.

HRT:  Hormone Replacement Therapy.

"My Truth:" My term for the fact that I am a Woman, and Trans.

"The Pain":  My name for the suffering inflicted by being Transgender.

"Pink Hangover": The feeling after a night, weekend, whatever, of being en femme and having to return to being a male.  This is a feeling of regretting being male and wishing the female time didn't have to end.

Second Life:  A Computer simulation game sorta thingee.  All content is made by users.  I have some amazing friends there, like MK, Cisop, Zonker, Plato and so many others!

SRS: "Sex Reassignment Surgery."  "Surgical procedures that some transgender people go through to obtain physical characteristics found in the opposite gender."  "The Operation."  Also known as "Sex change" and GCS.

TG:  Short for Transgender

Transgender:  A person who dresses/lives as the gender opposite their birth.  See HERE for a better definition.

Transsexual:  Old term for someone who has completed GCS.

TS:  Short for Transsexual

Asked about HRT

 In conversation with a closeted transwoman (Terri- I wrote about her on TG Forum HERE), she asked about how it felt when I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) back in December 2012.  (I wrote about that HERE.)  

She wrote "That must have been quite an experience starting hrt."  I replied "Anticlimactic.  I didn't notice changes but others did.  The first "felt" effect was pain in my pectoral areas."

I thought about it, and it's been a while since I wrote about this (HERE for example).  Like, many years.  I forgot how much of a "Holy Grail" HRT is for so many.  Funny what one takes for granted after a long time.  Of all things, HRT.

So, what was it like?  

As anyone can tell you, it's a slow process.  First, the drugs have to build up in your system, then they take effect.  Like a cisgender girl, the effect is then gradual.  I didn't just wake up one day with big boobs!  (That would've been hard to explain!)

The first thing I felt was a sense of calm as the testosterone weakened.  My anger flares weren't as constant.  I had a haircut for my trial in September, but was letting it grow out since.  I'm guessing the hormones were taking effect, as people said I looked different.  They asked me if I was losing weight (I was, but not much.)  I'm guessing the main reason for their comments were my skin "softening."

Early February 2013, I felt a, well, thickness under my nipples.  They began to hurt a little.  The pain would become a familiar one.  That was my breasts budding.  As they grew, it continued to hurt.  Not badly, but noticeable.  I started wearing t-shirts under the polo shirts I'd wear to work.  Soon, they wouldn't be enough either- the nipples were protruding.  No one said anything, but I noticed.  I invested in some pressure shirts people use for exercising.  

May 18, 2013: first time out without forms

Wearing a bra without forms was a watershed moment (wrote about it HERE).

As the date I chose grew closer, I learned that one pressure shirt wasn't doing the job any more- so I started wearing two.  Ugh. I also wore baggier shirts when at work to "cover" my breast development.  people didn't notice my skin softening.  I told people I was growing out my hair to donate it to "Locks of Love."

January 2021.  I think the HRT worked!

Now it's been eight years.  Having breasts is something I'm used to- but am still thrilled to have!  Some people say my face changed a little, but I don't see it.  In any case, it's been one hell of a ride!

Inspirations: Amanda Richards

I'm forcing myself to sit at the keyboard and write something (as opposed to my normal method of writing things out longhand first) so I'm not wallowing in the Darkness.  So I decided to write about someone who always makes me smile.  So this entry is about one of my Inspirations and dearest friends: Amanda Richards.

Amanda Richards

I met Amanda in January 2009, a mere 2 1/2 months after re-discovering myself.  I first heard of her through an internet search when looking for a transformation makeover.  I decided Bethlehem, PA was too close to home, and instead went to Femme Fever in New York for my first time.  A few weeks later, I attended my first Renaissance transgender meeting (wrote about that here) without makeup.  I determined that I wouldn't do that again, and sent an email to True Colors Makeup Artistry, domain of Amanda Richards.  So it was that on January 19, 2009, I drove 90 minutes to her studio.  I was nervous as hell.  (I wrote about that day here.)

I didn't know it then, but I was meeting someone who would be a pillar of support, a mentor, and an incredible friend.  

Amanda's name is well known within the transgender community.  She's been active for... a while, doing M2F makeovers in addition to her work doing weddings, proms, etc.  She's also an in-demand photographer, and a former president of Vanity Club.

She was very re-assuring and supportive, seeing that I was so nervous.  I was far from her first "first- timer."  I had a photography session, then went down to the January Renaissance meeting, wearing the wig she helped me choose.  

That trip to Bethlehem became part of my monthly routine on "Sophie night."  I'd get the motel room at Motel 6, drive up to True Colors for a makeover, then drive to the meeting then Angela's Laptop Lounge party.  After that, I'd go back to the motel room to thoroughly clean myself up before going home.  

I saw Amanda at the Keystone Conference almost every year as well.  She's a very guarded person by nature, but eventually over time she opened up.  I learned such things as that her fraternity voted her "Smart ass of the Year" five years in a row (yes, that includes her first year as an alumni.)  Also, she dressed a bit in college for a fraternity thing.  Years later, she learned while getting together with her brothers that they eventually discovered her femme side, and were cool with it.  

With Amanda at Keystone 2017

For years, I went to her for makeovers; asking questions and learning learning learning.  Eventually, I reached a point when I could do my makeup, but I still went up to see her.  After all, she was better at it than me, and I loved visiting my friend.  She always had great music playing, and we talked about music, sports (she attended a rival Big 10 school), and I often asked her for advice.  

Amanda has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I'm not alone.  She's mentored so many "new" transgender girls- almost everyone in my area knew her or knew of her.  People travelled literally thousands of miles for her services.

Early in 2020, I was mentoring a "new" girl here at PSU.  She'd never had a makeover, so of course I took her to Amanda.  Because I trust her.  And I missed talking with her.  

From the January 2009 photoshoot

True Colors is closed for now.  When we get past this pandemic, she'll re-open.  For now, she's taking a well deserved break.  

What Amanda did for me is what she did for an uncounted number of people like me- she helped us to find ourselves and to blossom.  She taught so many of us skills in makeup as well as gave us the courage to face the world as our true selves.  

The transgender community owes Amanda an unpayable debt.  She is an amazingly talented artist, and an incredible person.

After the first time she did my makeup, she told me to stand in front of a full length mirror.  She said to look at myself, and repeat to myself  "I am Sophie.  I am Sophie."  Her idea was to put me in the right mind for having pictures taken.  It calmed me. She took the pictures, then off I went to my first time out with a professional makeup job.  

She helped me so much in these eleven years I've known her.  I can never thank her enough, despite thanking her each time she worked on me.

Amanda is one of my dearest friends.  She is a mentor.  She is a Legend.  

And Amanda...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Seeing Two Ways

A while back, I went to lunch at the recently re-opened Cafe 210 West with my roomie and bestie Linda.  I had some wonderful wings and a pitcher of their signature Long Island Iced Tea (small pitcher.)  Many of the tables were missing, as they are on "social distancing footing."  Still, every table outside on the patio was full as people drank and watched people go by on College Ave (a fave PSU pass time.)

Cafe 210 view

I finished my wings and was almost done my drink, when something occurred to me.  In the photo above, the table by the window is empty, but by this time two guys about my age were seated there.  Alumni- and they hadn't been here for a while.  I know this because one of them took a picture of a Joe Paterno poster on the wall that was relatively recent. 

I thought about what the bar used to look like during my undergrad days when I came here (late 87- Dec 88.)  It's actually not all that different.  A few things are different, like the phone charging station (cell phones didn't exist back then.)  

Then it occurred to me... one of the few benefits of aging is the ability to see things as they ARE, now in the present, and seeing them as they WERE in the past.  It's a strange ability, to be sure.  While walking on the Penn State campus, I remember buildings demolished and replaced by the new ones currently standing in their place.  That bar was once a game store.  That clothing store was an arcade.  In Phoenixville, that Mexican place was once the Trio restaurant.  That parking lot was once a department store.  In Royersford, that shopping mall was once an amusement park.  That McMansion farm used to be a cornfield.  

It's not just here, and, obviously, I'm not alone.  What do the elderly see when encountering a place they knew well?

Obviously, time changes everything.

State College Bars of the 80's, now gone

In some ways this is a good thing- if you love history as I do.  I see how things change.  I see what was, and what is.  And, sometimes, what will be (especially with all the construction here in State College.)

Still, it's a reminder that I'm getting older.  Yes, things change, sometimes for the better (like the aforementioned phone charging stations.)  Sometimes not- (pandemic.)  As I've written somewhere before, all the tears in the world will not slow or stop time.  Each second is as long as the last, and so on.

This afternoon, I walked by the Cafe again.  All of the patio tables were full, mostly with young couples.  One couple in particular caught my eye- probably still undergrads, each with a solo pitcher of beverage in front of them (like the one I had.)  They were engaged in deep conversation, with nothing else in the world mattering but the moment and each other's smiles.  I thought about snapping a quick picture, but I didn't.  I would be intruding.

I tried to remember what it was like being that age- about the summer I spent in State College in 1988; about having my whole life unwritten before me, and full of promise, instead of the weight of decades of failure, regret, and mistakes aging me beyond my years.  

I thought about it, and kept walking.

For Rebecca

Friday afternoon, March 27, 2020.  I'm at MIL's house where I was watching my daughter (MIL called a truce so I could do this, but still insisted on dead naming me the whole time, but that's another story.) MIL went to bring Wife home from the hospital.  The surgery went well.  I decided to check facialbook for the first time since early that morning.

That's when I learned that my dear friend and mentor Rebecca Lohr died the night before.  She'd been fighting leukemia for a while.  One of her last facialbook posts also mentioned pneumonia.

Rebecca with a piece of the original Death Star (from her page)

Sometimes, you don't know exactly when you met someone, but with Rebecca, I know exactly when: December 21, 2008.  That was the night of my first Renaissance meeting.  As I pulled into the parking lot, scared out of my mind, I saw a woman walking toward a door.  I opened the car window and called out to her "Excuse me- I'm looking for Renaissance?" She turned and said "You're in the right place.  Welcome!"  I learned that she was the President, or Group leader, or whatever the title was at the time.  I walked in, carrying my girl clothes- no makeup- and my journey began.

After I'd changed and put on my wig, I went to the meeting area, where Rebecca saw me and smiled her Cheshire cat smile.  I remember saying "I must be crazy" to which she replied “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.  You must be or you wouldn’t have come here.”  I laughed.  She knew her Carroll.

Over time, I found Rebecca to be a very complex person.  In so many ways she was a joyful mix of contradictions, yet they all made sense.  That was just Rebecca.  She seemed to be a bit of a loner, yet sought company.  In her, I saw the Awful loneliness of genius.  There were few who really understood the entirety of who she was.  It took me years, yet eventually, I got it.  She was a goth girl, yet wasn't.  Wiccan, yes, but solitary.  Fan girl, but not obsessed.  Mostly.

I'm glad I had those years.

If there was a TG event around Philly, Rebecca was there.  Renaissance, Angela's Laptop Lounge, Monday Night T-Girls, Raven Parties, Keystone Conference... she was there to lend support.  Or maybe she just wanted company.  Hard to know with her.

Henri David Ball, Halloween 2009

In many ways, her fandoms defined her.  She was a sci-fi fan extraordinaire.  You want to talk Dr. Who?  She knew all about it.  Obscure novel?  Read it.  Trek?  Absolutely.  Steampunk?  Here's the pictures.  Ren fair?  Let's go!

Her biggest, most enduring love was Star Wars.  I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan, and I like to think my knowledge is encyclopedic, but next to her, I was an amateur.  Her Star Wars knowledge and collection was unparalleled.  She had binders full of autographed photos of everyone involved- major or minor- in front of or behind the camera.  She'd met Carrie Fisher so many times that they were on a first name basis.  She regaled me with tales of drinking with Jeremy Bulloch (the original Boba Fett.)  Of, ahem, enjoying other substances with other actors.

With Carrie Fisher, from Rebecca's FB page

That was another thing that defined her in a way: she loved her drugs.  She was extremely fond of weed, and often was dreamy eyed because of it, then suddenly have that mischievous look to eye that she knew something you didn't.  She told me of tripping and all kinds of adventures, yet respected that I never did those things, as I have enough issues with just drinking, thank you.  I never judged her, and she never judged me.  I think that's one of other defining traits.  As the Poet once wrote "She knows too much to argue or to judge."  She never judged people.  She just let it all roll.

We shared a sense of humor

She also had her music.  She loved making music.  She was in many bands, but Radium Angels stands out.  Yet again, her music couldn't be defined or pinned down- she fluidly moved between styles.  They released their music as well.

She wrote and published books.  She's been shot at... She... wow, what didn't she do?

She didn't sign it though.

How I'll remember her most though, is that she was a regular at the book store where I used to work.  She would come in two or three times a week, just to hang out.  We'd talk, especially when I was stuck in the music section, which was usually slow.  Prior to my transition, my speaking to her (as well as a couple other transgender women) raised eyebrows.  I smiled and said "they're friends."  After my transition, Rebecca became a mama bear at the store- no one was going to mess with me while she was around.  On a few occasions, she took someone to task about misgendering or otherwise "othering" me, including, once, a manager.  Often, Rebecca would wear her Tardis dress and carry her R2D2 handbag, just to watch people's reactions.  And we even had a little code for when I was being "watched" by management, or if I was really to busy to talk.  It was her idea.

Since leaving the store, I didn't see her as much.  We'd chat through Facialbook.  She couldn't attend my "farewell gathering" as she was sick, but she sent encouragement.  The last messages were so full of hope.

The last messages

On my way back to State College, I looked up through the Twilight and looking down at me, a Cheshire Moon smiled.  I pulled over as the tears began, yet I felt at peace, because I could just see Rebecca smiling at me from above.  She was happy- No more Pain.  As I watched, the moon was slightly obscured by a dreamy wisp of cirrus cloud, and I thought... how appropriate.

Sleep well Rebecca.  The Force will be with you.

Always.

Props and Proceedings

I haven't really posted in a while.  Like anyone cares.  In any case, I managed to get some things done.

To start with, I am in a play: A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum. In this comedy, I play a courtesan named Tintinabula.  I have no lines, but I have a solo dance.

Those who have seen me dance know why it's a comedy.

In costume

Actually, the play is extremely funny, and cast is amazing.  I'll be sorry when it ends.  Being a part of this gives a sense of belonging. 

I'm back being unemployed.  I was offered a position, but, for reasons of my own, I turned it down.  It seemed like a "high drama" zone- and I don't need any more drama. 

In any case, that has given me plenty of time.  When I was in Dracula in January, I made a few props for the play.  The director of Forum was the makeup artist for Dracula, so she knew I did that.  She asked me to do a prop or two for this play as well.  I ended up doing almost all of the props.  As I can't dance or sing, is this why I was cast?  Or is that just my depression and lack of self worth making me paranoid?  In any case, I did receive a Props credit in the program.

Making these props gave me a purpose- something to focus upon.  I've been spending my days mostly lying in bed, staring at the ceiling- paralyzed by depression and feelings of uselessness.  Some of the props took quite some time to make.  In fact, one of the people in charge started doubting my ability to finish the pieces in time.  I told her I would have them on time, and I did. 

In any case, as the play has begun, here are the pieces.

Formula 409 bottle in Latin

Contract (unfolded version)

Poster for gladiator fights: Maximus vs. Leonadis

Potions for Dummies in Latin

Back.  That's the first lines of the Hobbit in Latin

Interior

Mad Dog 20/20 in Latin

Colt 45 in Latin

"Wooden" jeweled goblet

7up in Latin

Domina bust

Domina without nose

Rolled version of contract- it never gets unrolled.

In any case, they allowed me some time to be creative.  During this time, I also painted a miniature for the first time since 2003 (which is when Games Workshop and I parted ways.)  I painted it for a friend, because the one she had (painted by someone else) was just... horrible.  Painted with house paint.  I knew that, even out of practice, I could do better.  Humble-brag- I think I did,

She chose the color scheme

So now all that is done, now what?

I guess I could paint some of the old miniatures I've had for decades.  Sell them for money.  Or just go back to lying in bed.  

In any case, random thoughts from this month:

More times than not, I cry myself to sleep.

I saw Wife and Daughter for Father's Day.  We went to dinner locally, along with Linda.  

I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for school.

When I look in the mirror, I want to break it or throw up.  I still see a guy looking back at me.

I still believe that I will not survive the Trump regime- that I'll be killed.  Nothing has happened to change my opinion.  

I whine too much.  

I'm going to bed.