Crossdresser Questionnaire

I saw this on Facialbook, and it looked fun.  As long-time readers of this blog know, I consider crossdressers to be part of the transgender tapestry.  "There but for the grace of God" and all that.  Most crossdressers I know (and I know many) would transition if they could, but circumstances prevent that.  I know a few who dress purely for the enjoyment of "art."  But not many.  

I'll put a "clean" copy in the comments for those that wish to fill it out for their social media. 

A lot of these questions were covered by previous blog entries, which I will link where appropriate.

As none of these questions reveal anything about passwords or such, here we go...

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100 Crossdressing Questions Answered

1. How old were you when you realized you were different? 

Four.  I remember it distinctly. 

2. How old were you when you first tried wearing women’s clothes, make up etc? 

Mum dressed me as a girl for Halloween when I was seven.  Aside from that, I was twelve when I started dressing on my own.  

 

3. Have you ever told anyone you were a Crossdresser?

Before coming out to my wife, no.  Now everyone knows my "dark secret."

4. At what age did you come up with your femme name? 

It was December 2008, so I was 42.  Details HERE.

5. Did you use any other femme names before you chose your current name if so what was it?

For maybe a month before Sophie, I was Lisa.  Lisa is now my middle name to honor Lisa Empanada. 

6. How did you come up with your Femme name?

Karen at Femme Fever gave it to me.  Details HERE (same link as above)

Femme Fever Dec. 2008

7. Have you ever been caught dressed?

Once, by my older brother. Story HERE.  I had several close calls, but only caught the one time- and that was because I was wearing makeup. 

8. How did the people you told take it?

Wife took the crossdressing part as well as could be asked.  I lost 90% of my friends.  Many said they'd support me than disappeared.  My family disowned me for a while.  Mother in law threw me out.   

9. Are you married? 

Yes. 

10. Does your spouse know? and if so are they accepting? 

Yes.  See #8 above.

11. What was the first article of women’s clothes you ever bought?

Pantyhose.  Leggs. In the plastic egg.

12. What was the last article of women’s clothes you bought? 

A swimsuit.  One piece.

13. Long or short skirts? 

I used to love short skirts, but now I prefer mid or knee length.

14. Do you venture out dressed? If yes how often do you go out dressed? 

Well, yes.  I've been full time for over ten years.  

15. If you could go back and change one thing about your Crossdressing what would it be? 

Wow.  Maybe not beat myself up for it all those years.  Or not to have the urge to do it (which turned out to be gender dysphoria.)

16. Do you feel being a Crossdresser makes you a better person? If yes how so? 

It caused me a lot of pain and pleasure.  The pain of lying to my wife, and the eventual destruction of my life as I knew it.  In the end, I am a better person, as before transition, I was an angry asshole.  The anger is mostly gone now.  I may not be happy, but I am at peace.

17. How long were you dating / married before you told your significant other or spouse?

We had been married 19 years at that point.  

18. What is your favorite article of clothing? 

I have a favorite bra, but my fave has to be my teal dress.  I like it so much that I bought a second one which waits, still in its plastic, if the other one is ever ruined or torn or whatever.

This dress (#18 above)

19. If you have bought your own clothes, have you ever had any issues with store clerks?

No, I never have.  Funny, right?

20. What is your greatest Crossdressing accomplishment?

I think it's an accomplishment that I went out in public at all.  I'd have to say it was the friendships I developed over time.  If not for people like my "big sister" Mel, Lisa Empanada, Linda Lewis, Ally Raymond, Amanda Richards, Victoria Datta, Kimberly Huddle, Jenny J, and Jen L, and so many others, I would be long dead.  

21. What is your favorite brand of make up?

MAC.  It usually works for me.  

22. Do you wear perfume? If yes what is your favorite fragrance?

I do when I get really dressed up.  I usually wear Clinique "Happy".  Do they even make that nay more?  I'm almost out.

23. How many lipsticks do you own? 

Umm... I never counted.  Somewhere around 10 I think.  Mostly MAC, but some others. 

24. What is your favorite color of lipstick called?

MAC "Syrup" is what I wear the most.

25. Did you buy breast forms or do you make your own?

I bought them, and eventually sold them on eBay.  My breasts are all natural now.  

26. Do you ever have dreams related to Crossdressing? if yes what was it? 

Funny enough, no.  All my life I would be female in some dreams, male in others, or switch back an forth.  Still that way.

27. When not dressed how often do you think about it, for example while at work? 

I used to- really often.  When I was dressing once a month, I would plan my outfits all month.

28. Favorite hair removal method? 

I did laser, and some electrolysis.  The laser lasted around 10 years, but my beard is now coming back.  It's frustrating.

29. If you could spend a day with anyone else dressed who would it be? 

As I'm full time, this no longer applies really.  I love hanging out with my friends as it's been so long.

30. Do you have space in the closet for your clothes or do you have to hide them? 

At first I hid them in boxes in the basement, labeled "Games." We'd moved from Baltimore and most of our stuff were in boxes in the basement.  I eventually got a storage space, which came in handy when I was thrown out.  Now, they are the only clothes I have.

31. Have you ever purged your clothes? 

August 1983.  I was going to be a MAN, and men don't wear dresses.  I fell into a deep depression and couldn't understand why.

32. Given the opportunity would you take a job where you could work as either your male or female self at any time? 

Again, not applicable.  I'm full time.  

33. Do you paint your natural finger nails or use fake ones? 

I have some fake nails for special occasions, but usually natural. 

34. What Color do you like to use on your finger nails? 

Brilliant red, but lately I've done others.

35. Do you keep your toe nails painted? 

No, except when I treat myself to a pedicure.  

36. What color nail polish do you like best on your toes? 

Usually brilliant red.  I'm dull.

37. If you wear make up what part do you find the hardest to learn how to do? 

Eyes- specifically fake lashes.  I've never been able to do those.

38. Have you ever had a professional make over? 

Yes. Mostly from the legendary Amanda Richards, but not all.  I love makeovers.  

39. Have you ever worn a Bikini or other swimsuit? 

Yes 

40. Do you own or have you ever worn a Wedding Dress?

Yes, at an Amanda Richards photoshoot.  

41. Do you own a wig or use your own hair? 

My own hair, but I may have to go back to wigs due to hair loss. I still have wigs.

42. How often are you able to dress up during the week? 

24/7/365.  I paid the price.

43. How many Blouses do you own? 

No idea.

44. How many Skirts do you own? 

No idea.

45. How many Dresses do you own? 

No idea.

46. How many bra’s do you own? 

Over 20.  I should go through them... 

47. How many pair’s of panties do you own? 

Around 20.  Maybe 5 shapewear. 

48. What is your favorite color for lingerie? 

Red or black.  My daily ones are usually black or buff.

49. Pantythose or Thigh Highs? 

I don't have occasion to wear them, but I prefer pantyhose. 

50. Favorite place to shop for misc items? 

I prefer to shop local.

51. Favorite place to shop for Make up? 

Ulta is the only place in town.

52. Favorite place to shop for clothes? 

Torrid, Long Tall Sally

53. Favorite place to shop for Lingerie? 

I usually get that from online as there's few place around here.

54. Best time you can think of spent dressed up? 

Two come immediately to mind.  Lisa's affirmation party, and the Debutante Ball that friends threw for me on my one-year transition anniversary.

Debutante ball

55. If you could have the ultimate day out where would you go? 

A day on vacation with my wife, daughter, and Linda.  Somewhere fun.  

56. Funniest thing that’s ever happened to you while Crossdressing? 

I've had many fun times with my dear friends.  I can't think of one right now.  If I do, I'll add to this.  

57. Do you have pierced ears or wear clip ons?

Pierced.  It was one of the first things I did.  2009?  2010?

58. Do you wear heels? 

When I have an occasion, yes. 

59. How long did it take you to learn how to walk in heels? 

I used to practice this.  Many hours.

 

60. How many pairs of heels do you own? 

Maybe 10. My day to day are flats.

61. Name an article of Women’s clothing you can’t live without? 

Bras. I mean, duh.

62. What is one article of Women’s clothes you don’t like? 

Tops that bare the midriff.

63. Do you sleep in a nightie?

Occasionally.  

64. What type of panties do you like? 

I love the silky ones, but most of mine are cotton.

65. What is your Favorite color for a dress? 

I'm told that I look good in jewel tones.  I also have a lot of black.

66. When you’re wearing pantyhose, what do you do with your junk? Let it be free or tuck it up and tape? 

I used to have to tuck but not anymore. 

67. What stops you from ‘dressing’ in public? Fear of yourself or of others? 

I was afraid of the consequences... almost all of which happened. 

68. When did you first know your taste in fashion was different from other boys? 

Around 4

69. When did you tell your wife? What was her reaction?

As above, May 3, 2012.  Story HERE. 

70. What would you tell your 5 year old self if you could? 

You aren't alone.  You aren't a freak.  

71. Do you shave your chest and armpits as well as your legs? 

Armpits.  Thanks to HRT, I don't really need to shave my chest.  Thank God, as furry boobs would suck.

72. Have you ever told anyone and they reacted badly? 

Almost everyone when I came out.  Aside from that, not really

73. What was your most surprising reaction when telling someone? 

I call him "R" in my blog.  Details HERE.

74. For most women, taking the bra off at the end of the day and having a good under-boob scratch is the equivalent to a man scratching his nut-sack. Is it the same when you take off your bra? 

Absolutely.  It feels great.  

75. How did you feel the first time you ‘dressed’? 

It felt “right”. It felt correct.  Like I was being me for the first time.

76. How did you feel the last time you ‘dressed’? 

N/A as I'm full time.

Last time I wore makeup- a couple of weeks ago

77. Do you and your wife share clothes? 

Hell no.  She's a petite woman and I'm a fat mess.

78. What do you wish everyone understood about why you dress that no one seems to really get? 

That being transgender is biological- e don't choose this.  And we aren't "groomers" or anything evil.  We just want to live our lives.

79. Do you prefer skirts and dresses or pants? 

Skirts and dresses. I wore pants for 47 years- that's enough.

 

80. How do you hide your 5 o’clock shadow? 

I use Mehron beard cover.  then foundation over that.   

81. If you could go somewhere on the planet where not one soul knew who you were and publicly dress, would you? 

Back in the day, I realized quickly that when I was fully enfemme, I was unrecognizable.  I may be clocked as a cd, but not as [dead name].  I avoided the places I frequented as a guy, though.  The funny part was that the party I'd go to was, for years, in a restaurant right next door to the bookstore where I worked.

82. Do you think you’ll ever tell your children? 

I did- right before I transitioned.  Story HERE.

83. What will you tell your children (if you don’t intend to tell them) and they find out accidentally?  

I never considered that, as she was 6 when I transitioned, and I never dressed as Sophie when she was home, so...

84. Why aren’t women who wear menswear considered cross-dressers? 

Because masculinity is fragile and must be proven almost every day, while femininity is never questioned.  A woman in guy clothes is still a woman- a lesbian is still a woman.  If a guy dresses as a female or is gay, other men consider him effeminate and therefore week and not a man.  There were many studies done on this, like:

Stanaland, A., Gaither, S., & Gassman-Pines, A. (2023). When is masculinity “fragile”? An expectancy-discrepancy-threat model of masculine identity. Personality and social psychology review, 27(4), 359-377. 

85. Where the hell do you find shoes to fit? 

On-line.  Such as HERE, HERE, and HERE among others.

86. What is the longest you have ever dressed for? 

123 months.  Or 536 weeks.  Or 3753 days.  You get the idea. 

87. Do your bra and panties have to match? 

Sometimes.  I don't really try to match them as nobody will see them.

88. Do you find there is a big difference between your male and female self? If so how? 

I was much angrier and in "pain" s a guy.  I felt like a failure as a man- unable to provide for my family, etc.  Now I'm at peace.  Not happy- just at peace.  And that will have to be enough.

89. Does it matter to you if you “Pass” or not? 

It would be great to pass, and I try to as much as possible, but it’s not really realistic.  I like to show cleavage as it's a feminine signal, but...

90. Do you “Pass”?

Hell no.

91. How long does it take you to get all dressed up? With makeup? 

Depends upon how much makeup.  Anywhere from 30- 90 minutes.  Back in the day it took at least 90 minutes. 

92. If you had a chance to remove your desire to Crossdress would you take it? 

Too late now, but yes- absolutely.

93. Do you have any female role models and if so who are they? 

As a crossdresser, they were Linda Lewis, Ana Christina Garcia, Heidi Phox, Kimberly Huddle... so many.  Now?  Sophie Scholl, Jennifer Finney Boylan, Donna Rose, others as well.  And every transgender woman who lives her Truth.  

With Ana Christina Garcia at Keystone Conference 2022

 

94. Do you listen to anything while getting ready? 

Sometimes.  Usually 80s stuff or Grateful Dead

95. What do you hope to accomplish by Crossdressing? 

This is really a stupid question.  If anything, I hoped to find peace and perhaps the companionship of people like myself.  I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone with this.

96. What do you expect crossdressing to teach you about being a woman and the experiences associated with it? 

I don’t pretend to know what a cisgender woman experiences. But I now understand what it means to be without male privilege, and what it means to have rights stripped away.

97. Do your personal or political views change as a result of the experiences of crossdressing? 

No.  I've always been a raging liberal.  However, it's made me more outspoken about rights, like I was in my teens/twenties.

98. Has your views on relationships changed with crossdressing in your life? 

No.  I just miss what I had with wife and daughter.   

99. What was your best Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from what was noted above, I'd say that first look into the mirror at Femme Fever at Sophie.  I didn't recognize myself.

Sophie's first picture

100. What was your worst Crossdressing experience? 

Aside from being thrown out, which wasn't really a "crossdressing" experience...  Easily Lisa's funeral.  I don't know how I survived that month.

Dallas Denny's Keynote and Shoutout

Last week, I was stunned to hear that the legendary Dallas Denny quoted me in her TG Forum piece, which was from a keynote speech she delivered.  (Link to the TG Forum pieces HERE)

On the extremely unlikely chance that you've never heard of her, the following bio is from her website (linked above)

"Dallas Denny has been a leader in the transgender rights movement since the 1980s. Her work as an advocate,  writer, editor, and community builder have played a significant role in the advancement of rights for transsexual and transgender people in North America and around the world."

(from Wikipedia) "In 1990 Denny founded the 501(c)(3) nonprofit American Educational Gender Information Service (now Gender Education & Advocacy, Inc.). In the same year she started the Atlanta Gender Explorations Support Group and launched the print journal Chrysalis Quarterly. In 1993 she founded the National Transgender Library & Archive, which now resides in the Labadie Collection at The University of Michigan Library System. Also in the 1990s she continued the work of the Erickson Educational Foundation. She was a founder of Atlanta's transgender Southern Comfort Conference and provided start up funding, through AEGIS, for the first FTM Conference of the Americas. She was Director of the transgender conference Fantasia Fair for five years and from 1999-2008 editor of Transgender Tapestry Journal, published by the International Foundation for Gender Education.

Since 1989 Denny has produced dozens of flyers, booklets, and medical advisories, contributed considerable content to Chrysalis, AEGIS' several newsletters, and Transgender Tapestry, and written a column for TG Forum. She wrote hundreds of articles for transgender community magazines and newsletters, many of which were widely reprinted and eventually placed on the internet. In 1994 her book Gender Dysphoria: A Guide to Research was the first book-length contribution to the scientific literature of transsexualism produced by a transsexual."

Add to that, she's been a mentor and friend.  I'm honored beyond words that she would cite my work.  In any case, here's the piece, reprinted in full with her kind permission.  Please hit the TG Forum link to give her some hit love there too.

Dallas Denny (from FB)

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The following are my notes for the keynote I delivered at the third Paradise Conference, which was held in Atlanta from April 18-21, 2024. My thanks to TGForum contributor Sophie Lynne for her recent article here about anti-trans legislation and to Jamison Green, Chelsea Goodwin, and Lola Cola, for our conversations.

Here’s a link to Sophie’s article.

Disinformation, Misinformation, and Cognitive Dissonance

Keynote, Paradise Conference 2024

By Dallas Denny

Hello, everyone. It’s great to see old friends and friends soon to be live and in person.

I’m honored to have been chosen to give this keynote. I would like to thank Toni Cane and the board of directors of Paradise Conference for giving me this opportunity to address you.

Conferences like this are important. Contact with one another on social media and via e-mail is also important, but it doesn’t replace face-to-face contact. When we arrive here, we are with our tribe, and we know it and respond to it. We are loved without reservation and free to be ourselves, a luxury many of us don’t have in our everyday lives. So thank you, everyone, for being here.

I intended to talk today about something I have never really addressed in public—my life and my work. I have been an activist in this community since the 1980s and I have had a wonderful career and met many remarkable people and seen some amazing things. I have witnessed with joy the increasing freedoms and legal protections and growth of community that have occurred over the past 35 or so years— but  due to recent conversations with Jamison Green, Chelea Goodwin, and Lola Cola—who is in the room tonight—I asked  that my planned talk be moved to a workshop so that tonight I could talk about something more important  than myself.

I’ll introduce this topic by telling you about a Facebook post I read on the airplane on my way here to Atlanta. A woman, a stranger, scolded the man who wrote the post. She said to him, “This is San Diego. You need to speak English.” He asked her, “How do you say San Diego in English?” The result? A dumbfounded expression. This is important, and I will work my way back around to it.

What I am talking about tonight is the incredible rising tide of anti-trans rhetoric, violence, and legislation that is being directed at us. We are not strangers to violence and hate, but we have become the subject of a vast coordinated and well-planned attack from the far right. Since Rowe vs. Wade was disposed of by the U.S. Supreme Court, we have become, as my friend Sophie Lynne wrote in a recent article on the website TG Forum, the new bogeymen.

Those positioning themselves as our enemies are evangelistic Christians, white nationalists, a political party I will not mention, and a small group of women known as trans-exclusionary lesbian feminists. Sometimes they are even supported from within our own ranks. I’m looking at you, Caitlin Jenner! They are organized in ways we are not, and they are massively funded by billionaires and organizations including the Heritage Foundation, the Family Research Council, and the Alliance Defending Freedom. They lobby and influence local, state, and national congressmen and women and spread disinformation and misinformation about trans people to the American public.

Working in tandem, The American Legislative Exchange Council and the Congressional Prayer Caucus write anti-trans bills which they send to senators and congressmen in every state, who put them into play—and many become the law of the land.

In her essay, Sophie Lynne wrote “Anti- trans bills skyrocketed from 143 in 2021 (18 passed) to 600 (87 passed) in 2023. In 2024, there have already been 539 bills (20 passed) and we’re only one-third of the way through the year.”

These bills span a wide range: Here are examples of some of the more moderate state bills that have been brought forth, many of which have become law and more of which will soon be: requiring teachers to use the birth names of students who have transitioned and criminalizing them for any mention of homosexuality or transgender identity. Requiring trans students to use the bathroom and locker rooms of the gender they were assigned at birth—can you imagine how traumatic and damaging that would be to a transitioned boy or girl? Banning students from participating in sports as a member of their identified gender. Requiring teachers to inform on trans children to their parents. And again, these are the milder ones.

In Texas, parents who affirm their trans childrens’ gender are subject to investigation by child protective services. In Tennessee—this one is not due to law, but to a malevolent state attorney general—Vanderbilt University was coerced into turning over the medical records of the patients of their gender clinic. I went to graduate school at Vanderbilt in the 1980s and a decade before that was a patient of their gender clinic. I find myself wondering if my records are with the Tennessee state attorney general.

Bills in some states have banned changes of gender marker on identifying documents like birth certificates and driver’s licenses, and in Florida, I believe it is, those who have changed their markers will now have their documents voided and replaced by ones with their birth genders. In another state—I believe Texas—honestly, reports of these bills are coming in so fast I can’t keep up with them—the attorney general has suggested putting all trans people on the sex offender’s list. Also in Texas, the governor has stated his plans to prevent any transgender or nonbinary person from teaching in schools. And in some states, gender-affirming medical treatment—not only hormones are prohibited for those under eighteen, but medicines that delay puberty so families will have time to sort things out.

As a result of this hate and legislative malevolence, violence directed at us is on the rise.

It should be obvious to everyone here that we are in great danger of being criminalized merely because we exist. Around the country, at every level, local, state, and national, trans people are struggling and mobilizing to stand up to this tyranny. We each can and should do our part. That doesn’t necessarily mean outing yourself or engaging in direct action like lobbying your congressperson. If you’re not comfortable with such, your dollars will help. But above all, I beg you—whatever your political affiliation, VOTE. Please. VOTE.

Now, you might think this wraps up my talk, but we’re only at the halfway point. I will now attempt to briefly explain to you why this is a dangerous moment for the world and for America.

When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, Americans got their news from trusted sources—primarily newspapers, magazines, and the evening news on the three existing channels:  ABC, NBC, and CBS. News was delivered by trusted commentators like Walter Kronkite and Chet Huntley and David Brinkley. Being journalists, they did their best to give America the news, and, being human, they sometimes skewed it a bit. But listeners had a common point of view from which to take exception and talk or argue about local, national, and international politics, fashion, and the weather.

Those days are long gone. Today there are channels leading to the left and others far, far to the right, and many people get their information solely or almost entirely from single sources that cannot in any reasonable fashion be called news. That of course increased the divide, But to make matters worse, since the mid 2010s there have been increasing sources of disinformation and misinformation. Countries like Russia, North Korea, China, and Saudi Arabia hire hundreds and thousands of English-speakers to twist facts or, more often, just make stuff up. They reach millions of Americans through fake but convincingly serious-looking websites and social media accounts. This makes it difficult and sometimes almost impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff, and as a result Americans, and especially gullible and low information Americans, have come to believe and build their private realities on things most bizarre: The earth is flat; the moon landing was faked by Stanley Kubrick. As an aside, I knew Kubrick’s cinematographer for the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey—Jack Malick, who, as Andrea Susan, was one of us. The moon landing was NOT faked. Jet contrails are a government plot to change the atmosphere or poison us. The Sandy Hook school shooting was staged and the bereaved parents are all paid actors. Democrats run a child pornography ring in the basement of a pizza restaurant that has no basement. Imagine the face of the MAGA shooter who showed up with his AR-15 and found that out. COVID vaccines are a government ploy to alter your DNA and allow the government to track you—as if they can’t already do that by pinging that cell phone in your hand. COVID itself, which killed more than one million Americans and left millions of others with long-term disabilities, is itself a hoax, Climate change is a hoax. 

People are absolutely convinced these things are true. They of course are not. They make absolutely no sense and are easily disproven by those who care to look at reliable sources, which most conspiracy theorists refuse to do. Instead, they find confirmation through social media accounts, some of which belong to fellow conspiracy theorists, and most of which are run by foreign trolls. They find a couple of disinformative articles on Google that justify their conclusions while failing to cite any actual data, and they call it doing research. That is absolutely NOT research. Research involves going to primary sources, and they’re too lazy to do that. Meanwhile, they scoff at and discredit scientists who are doing REAL research. And let me be clear.  Science is real. It is our most important tool. Without science, I would not have survived childhood, and neither would many of you. We would not be traveling to conferences like this in planes and cars, for there WOULD be no planes and cars. We would still be mired in illogical, superstitious beliefs that held humanity back for millennia.

To make matters worse, and soon to be far worse, now, suddenly, AI is upon is. We have already been told to believe what the bots are telling us and not our lying eyes and ears—now AI is being used to crank out disinformation in clever ways and create utterly believable images that DO trick our eyes and ears. I am forever seeing images on Facebook showing impossibly giant humans and female celebrities I know did nor pose in that swimsuit. They’re not real, but they LOOK convincingly real unless you count the fingers. But many people, I know, take it all in as fact.

This is the crux of our nation’s problem .

At this point half of the U.S. population believes Joe Biden, age 81, is too old to be President, and Donald Trump is not. Trump is three-and-a-half years younger than Biden and, should he win the November Presidential election, would be older than Biden is now at the end of his term. Half of the population believes Biden, who is extraordinarily mentally sharp and speaks in logically constructed sentences, is senile and Donald Trump, who shows clinical signs of senility and speaks in word salad, is sharp. I say this as someone with a license to practice psychology and who had a career as a psychometrist. Look at transcripts of Donald Trump’s speech. It wasn’t that way when he was younger. And compare it to transcripts of Joe Biden’s speech. Who is coherent?

I say this not to raise one Presidential candidate over another, but to point out that within a matter of weeks half of Americans came to believe Joe Biden is a decrepit, senile old man. Disinformation and misinformation. It’s devastatingly effective in the United States today.

As I conclude, I circle back, as promised, to the woman in San Diego. When her beliefs were challenged in a simple and direct way— “How do you say San Diego in English,”—what happened? Brain freeze.

In the mid-twentieth century, long before today’s sophisticated methods of mental manipulation came into play, a psychologist called Leon Festinger studied people with false fear-provoking ideas. He discovered that people with such beliefs were extraordinarily resistant to information that challenged their beliefs. They would in fact do considerable mental gymnastics to avoid even hearing data that was counter to their false beliefs. Festinger called this cognitive dissonance. And it perfectly describes the woman in San Diego.

This is why we’re in trouble. Half the population believes trans people are abusing children. Half believe we just want to invade bathrooms of the opposite sex. Half believe we are mentally ill, or sinners, or sexual deviants—and they will not be easily unconvinced.

However we identify—as crossdressers, as transsexuals, as transgender, as nonbinary—we must stand up for ourselves and our rights as Americans. And so I ask you again to, within the boundaries of your safety, do what you can to help being this country back into equilibrium. Contact politicians. Speak in public. Write letters to editors. And if you cannot do these direct things, consider working a phone bank, making calls that will not identify you, or mail postcards to voters. Provide financial support to organizations fighting for our freedoms—the American Civil Liberties Union, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and new groups that are forming. And please, vote, vote, vote!

Thank you for your time and attention.

For Jennell

 Jennell Jaquays passed away early on Wednesday, January 10.  She was 67.  She was recovering from Guillain-Barré syndrome.  From the GoFundMe:

“On Sunday evening on October 15th, she fell ill and with[in] 36 hours she was barely alive and hooked up to a respirator. After numerous X-rays, cat scans and blood work finding nothing, they determined she is suffering from a neurological disease. She is responding to the blood treatments and has started regaining motion in her hands and feet, she is looking at a minimum of 2 weeks (more like 4) in the hospital and six to twelve months of rehabilitation.” (https://www.gofundme.com/f/jennell-jaquays-has-a-long-road-back?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_content=facebook_cta_variant&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook)

 

Jennell was a legend in both the Role Playing Game world and in the computer gaming world.  As such, many different website, blogs, and sub stacks have posted wonderful tributes and histories of her. Even the New York Times published a tribute!

 

I won’t repeat all those things.  Yes, they are matters of Fact.  But Jennell was my friend as well as being a legend.  I want to write about that- the Jennell I knew.  One facet of an incredible person.  I know whatever I write won’t capture how I feel or who it is that we’ve all lost.  I’ll try though.

 

Self portrait via New York Times (link above in text)

I first encountered Jennell’s work years before either of us transitioned.  In 1993, I was working as a freelance editor for TSR, the company that created and published Dungeons and Dragons.  My assignment was to edit an adventure module called Swamplight by Jean Rabe.  I did general editing, including checking illustrations, etc.  One piece I was sent was the cover, which was by someone named Paul Jaquays, whom I knew by reputation only.  I knew they’d written some epic adventures for other companies as well as art for TSR. 

 

Decades later, I heard about someone in the gaming industry who’d transitioned.  I was building up toward that myself, so I messaged her on Facialbook, and she was kind enough to reply.  She let me ask her a lot of questions, and eventually we became friends.  We bonded over our common gaming interests and our time working for the gaming industry (which, for me, was in the past.)  We shared tips for painting miniatures and sent each other goofy memes.  I was honored that she asked me to dome editing work for her, including writing a piece for her new Central Casting book, which will be published posthumously.

 

When she fell ill, everyone who knew her was concerned, and were willing to do whatever we could to help.  Her wife, Rebecca (a computer legend herself), set up a GoFundMe to defray the huge medical expenses.  Jennell seemed to be slowly recovering, then… she didn’t.

 

Like so many, I was stunned.  I’m still numb.  I can’t imagine what her wife is enduring now.  As per her wishes, Jennell will be cremated wearing her Viking helmet and outfit.  If nothing else, this tells you all you need to know about her.

 

Jennell was a true polymath- a genius in so many ways.  She was a beautiful soul, and her life touched so many others that she never even met.  I will treasure our friendship, and miss her dearly. 

 

Sleep well, Jennell.  May the four winds blow you safely home.

 

 

Inspirations: Victoria Datta

 I was challenged to write something positive, so I thought it was past time to honor another one of the people who inspire me everyday.  

I met Victoria that first night out as Sophie, when I went to a Renaissance meeting and to Angela's Laptop Lounge afterward.  She was (and still is) elegant beyond compare: exotic and aloof.  Also, I learned by asking someone that she was dating one of the Movers and Shakers in the Philadelphia transgender scene- the person who ran the Yahoo group that everyone used for events.  As I don't have permission to name that person, I'll assign her the pseudonym: W.  Victoria was "W's girl" which meant "stay away from her."  I always thought that was a lonely circumstance.  

Victoria

The first few times I saw Victoria, I thought she wasn't trans.  Then I wondered if she was one of the "pros" who would come out of the city to get some "business" from the admirers, but ended up dating W.  I admit: I was intimidated by her beauty, poise, and class.  I could never look that good.

Eventually, W introduced me to Victoria, and I did my best not to be dumbstruck.  Not long after, the local trans community was abuzz- W and Victoria had broken up!  I assume many people started hitting on her directly after, but I never saw her dating anyone.  

Around that same time, my therapist invited me to join a support group, then named "Trans Sans Sition."  Members of this group would become some of my dearest friends.  Victoria was there (in addition to Amy, and Jen L) and always had wise input.  She seemed so very approachable.  Eventually, she suggested the group change its name to Transquility, and so it remains to this day (however it is now virtual.)

Amy and Victoria Keystone 2015

During this time I really learned what an amazing person Victoria is.  Her strength and determination are awe inspiring.  She transitioned on the job at a major company, and was instrumental in writing policies for them concerning transgender employees.  Victoria also presents on that topic at various transgender conferences.  Soon after I came out, I was honored to co-present on the topic, as my company was smaller.  

Through it all, Victoria has been a model of grace, beauty, strength, generosity, and compassion.  I was honored to be invited to her Confirmation Party in May 2014 (which I wrote about here.)  She is a major music lover, including being a mega George Michael fan.  She spoke at my "coming out party" in 2015, and I did my best not to cry (I failed.)  

Debutante Party 2015

I could write so much more about this amazing woman, but I'm sure she'll blush enough at what little I have revealed.  She is a fairly private person.   All that said, the world is so much richer because she's in it, and she has been a guiding light and dear friend for years.

And her beauty still intimidates me,

Thank you for being you, Victoria!  I love you!

  

For Katie

Katie Ward passed away on Monday, June 14, 2021.  

She suffered from brain cancer which metastasized to her kidneys.  I'd like to think she was surrounded by loved ones, but I don't know.  There are many things I don't know about Katie, but this I do know: she was a dear friend and mentor.

Katie Ward, March 2020

I met Katie in early 2009, soon after rediscovering myself.  We hit it off nicely, but didn't really start speaking until I visited TransCentral PA a few months later.  We bantered back and forth, and learned about each other.  She was vital to the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg every year, so I also saw her there.  Katie didn't BS people- she was blunt, and I liked that about her.  If I looked like shit, she said so.  If she thought I'd had enough to drink, she'd say that as well.

Laptop Lounge March 2009.  My first pic with Katie

Katie's life was all about service.  She served...  well, it's easier to do this.  The following is what TransCentral PA sent out about her passing.  It's how I learned she'd died.

We are sorry to announce the passing of our beloved friend and sister Katie Ward.

She passed on Monday, June 14th in a care facility after finding out less than a month ago she had stage 4 brain cancer which had metastasized to her kidneys. The prognosis was short, but she underwent a few treatments of radiation so she could have a little more time with her daughter and granddaughters. Although tired a lot in her last days, she said she had no pain.

Katie dedicated much of her life in service to others. She served our country honorably, first in the Navy, and then in the Air National Guard which she retired from after 20+ years of military service.

She was an officer of TransCentralPA for over five years and a volunteer/member for twice that amount of time. She would consistently host dinners around Harrisburg before our support group meetings to give people a chance to forge friendships both within and outside the group and build confidence in themselves. She enjoyed helping people and giving back.

She actively participated in many community organizations such as the Keystone Business Alliance whom she helped plan their annual awards banquet for a couple of years.

Her favorite event though was the one she helped grow into one of the largest events in the country--The Keystone Conference, A Celebration of Gender Diversity. Katie took on many roles at Keystone; she was the volunteer coordinator, the off-site event coordinator, the security coordinator, the Registrar and many others for several years. At the Saturday Night Gala of the last Keystone, Katie received a much-deserved standing ovation for her contributions to Keystone and the Central Pennsylvania community.

With her passing, Katie leaves behind a legacy of generosity, kindness and compassion. We will miss you Katie--thank you for being our friend.

So, you see, Katie was all about helping others.  I was one of many t-girls who benefitted from her wisdom and friendship.

It's so hard to write this.  Even though I knew it was coming, I still feel a deep hollow emptiness.  She did so much for so many- it just isn't fair that she should pass while so many useless people survive.  

Katie in a proper uniform

She was buried in a military cemetery under her birth name.  So the name Katie Ward passes into memory, kept only by those who knew her Truth.  I don't know how many of her family knew about Katie.  I think her daughter did.  In any case, we the transgender community have a responsibility to not just keep her memory alive, but to rise to the challenge that her service demands.  She showed us how caring and helping others can be done, and it's up to us to step up and continue her work.

I remember telling her several times that I wanted to be her when I grew up.  She would usually reply with "like you'll ever grow up."

Keystone Conference, 2017

It's rare that one can tell people exactly how you feel about them, and I took that opportunity with Katie.  Once I heard about her diagnosis (and that I couldn't visit due to covid restrictions) I messaged her on Facialbook and told her what she meant to me.  I hope she knew what she meant to so many people in our community, and how great her life impacted so many others.

I know that this piece doesn't begin to give justice to the beautiful soul who has left us, but I think everyone who knew her will understand the depth of grief we all share.  

On her page, I wrote "May the four winds blow you safely home", but I think a more appropriate parting would be "Fair winds and following seas, Katie."  I will miss you, dear friend, and do my best to follow your example.  

Photo by Cassandra Storm

Inspirations: Amanda Richards

I'm forcing myself to sit at the keyboard and write something (as opposed to my normal method of writing things out longhand first) so I'm not wallowing in the Darkness.  So I decided to write about someone who always makes me smile.  So this entry is about one of my Inspirations and dearest friends: Amanda Richards.

Amanda Richards

I met Amanda in January 2009, a mere 2 1/2 months after re-discovering myself.  I first heard of her through an internet search when looking for a transformation makeover.  I decided Bethlehem, PA was too close to home, and instead went to Femme Fever in New York for my first time.  A few weeks later, I attended my first Renaissance transgender meeting (wrote about that here) without makeup.  I determined that I wouldn't do that again, and sent an email to True Colors Makeup Artistry, domain of Amanda Richards.  So it was that on January 19, 2009, I drove 90 minutes to her studio.  I was nervous as hell.  (I wrote about that day here.)

I didn't know it then, but I was meeting someone who would be a pillar of support, a mentor, and an incredible friend.  

Amanda's name is well known within the transgender community.  She's been active for... a while, doing M2F makeovers in addition to her work doing weddings, proms, etc.  She's also an in-demand photographer, and a former president of Vanity Club.

She was very re-assuring and supportive, seeing that I was so nervous.  I was far from her first "first- timer."  I had a photography session, then went down to the January Renaissance meeting, wearing the wig she helped me choose.  

That trip to Bethlehem became part of my monthly routine on "Sophie night."  I'd get the motel room at Motel 6, drive up to True Colors for a makeover, then drive to the meeting then Angela's Laptop Lounge party.  After that, I'd go back to the motel room to thoroughly clean myself up before going home.  

I saw Amanda at the Keystone Conference almost every year as well.  She's a very guarded person by nature, but eventually over time she opened up.  I learned such things as that her fraternity voted her "Smart ass of the Year" five years in a row (yes, that includes her first year as an alumni.)  Also, she dressed a bit in college for a fraternity thing.  Years later, she learned while getting together with her brothers that they eventually discovered her femme side, and were cool with it.  

With Amanda at Keystone 2017

For years, I went to her for makeovers; asking questions and learning learning learning.  Eventually, I reached a point when I could do my makeup, but I still went up to see her.  After all, she was better at it than me, and I loved visiting my friend.  She always had great music playing, and we talked about music, sports (she attended a rival Big 10 school), and I often asked her for advice.  

Amanda has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I'm not alone.  She's mentored so many "new" transgender girls- almost everyone in my area knew her or knew of her.  People travelled literally thousands of miles for her services.

Early in 2020, I was mentoring a "new" girl here at PSU.  She'd never had a makeover, so of course I took her to Amanda.  Because I trust her.  And I missed talking with her.  

From the January 2009 photoshoot

True Colors is closed for now.  When we get past this pandemic, she'll re-open.  For now, she's taking a well deserved break.  

What Amanda did for me is what she did for an uncounted number of people like me- she helped us to find ourselves and to blossom.  She taught so many of us skills in makeup as well as gave us the courage to face the world as our true selves.  

The transgender community owes Amanda an unpayable debt.  She is an amazingly talented artist, and an incredible person.

After the first time she did my makeup, she told me to stand in front of a full length mirror.  She said to look at myself, and repeat to myself  "I am Sophie.  I am Sophie."  Her idea was to put me in the right mind for having pictures taken.  It calmed me. She took the pictures, then off I went to my first time out with a professional makeup job.  

She helped me so much in these eleven years I've known her.  I can never thank her enough, despite thanking her each time she worked on me.

Amanda is one of my dearest friends.  She is a mentor.  She is a Legend.  

And Amanda...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For Rebecca

Friday afternoon, March 27, 2020.  I'm at MIL's house where I was watching my daughter (MIL called a truce so I could do this, but still insisted on dead naming me the whole time, but that's another story.) MIL went to bring Wife home from the hospital.  The surgery went well.  I decided to check facialbook for the first time since early that morning.

That's when I learned that my dear friend and mentor Rebecca Lohr died the night before.  She'd been fighting leukemia for a while.  One of her last facialbook posts also mentioned pneumonia.

Rebecca with a piece of the original Death Star (from her page)

Sometimes, you don't know exactly when you met someone, but with Rebecca, I know exactly when: December 21, 2008.  That was the night of my first Renaissance meeting.  As I pulled into the parking lot, scared out of my mind, I saw a woman walking toward a door.  I opened the car window and called out to her "Excuse me- I'm looking for Renaissance?" She turned and said "You're in the right place.  Welcome!"  I learned that she was the President, or Group leader, or whatever the title was at the time.  I walked in, carrying my girl clothes- no makeup- and my journey began.

After I'd changed and put on my wig, I went to the meeting area, where Rebecca saw me and smiled her Cheshire cat smile.  I remember saying "I must be crazy" to which she replied “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.  You must be or you wouldn’t have come here.”  I laughed.  She knew her Carroll.

Over time, I found Rebecca to be a very complex person.  In so many ways she was a joyful mix of contradictions, yet they all made sense.  That was just Rebecca.  She seemed to be a bit of a loner, yet sought company.  In her, I saw the Awful loneliness of genius.  There were few who really understood the entirety of who she was.  It took me years, yet eventually, I got it.  She was a goth girl, yet wasn't.  Wiccan, yes, but solitary.  Fan girl, but not obsessed.  Mostly.

I'm glad I had those years.

If there was a TG event around Philly, Rebecca was there.  Renaissance, Angela's Laptop Lounge, Monday Night T-Girls, Raven Parties, Keystone Conference... she was there to lend support.  Or maybe she just wanted company.  Hard to know with her.

Henri David Ball, Halloween 2009

In many ways, her fandoms defined her.  She was a sci-fi fan extraordinaire.  You want to talk Dr. Who?  She knew all about it.  Obscure novel?  Read it.  Trek?  Absolutely.  Steampunk?  Here's the pictures.  Ren fair?  Let's go!

Her biggest, most enduring love was Star Wars.  I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan, and I like to think my knowledge is encyclopedic, but next to her, I was an amateur.  Her Star Wars knowledge and collection was unparalleled.  She had binders full of autographed photos of everyone involved- major or minor- in front of or behind the camera.  She'd met Carrie Fisher so many times that they were on a first name basis.  She regaled me with tales of drinking with Jeremy Bulloch (the original Boba Fett.)  Of, ahem, enjoying other substances with other actors.

With Carrie Fisher, from Rebecca's FB page

That was another thing that defined her in a way: she loved her drugs.  She was extremely fond of weed, and often was dreamy eyed because of it, then suddenly have that mischievous look to eye that she knew something you didn't.  She told me of tripping and all kinds of adventures, yet respected that I never did those things, as I have enough issues with just drinking, thank you.  I never judged her, and she never judged me.  I think that's one of other defining traits.  As the Poet once wrote "She knows too much to argue or to judge."  She never judged people.  She just let it all roll.

We shared a sense of humor

She also had her music.  She loved making music.  She was in many bands, but Radium Angels stands out.  Yet again, her music couldn't be defined or pinned down- she fluidly moved between styles.  They released their music as well.

She wrote and published books.  She's been shot at... She... wow, what didn't she do?

She didn't sign it though.

How I'll remember her most though, is that she was a regular at the book store where I used to work.  She would come in two or three times a week, just to hang out.  We'd talk, especially when I was stuck in the music section, which was usually slow.  Prior to my transition, my speaking to her (as well as a couple other transgender women) raised eyebrows.  I smiled and said "they're friends."  After my transition, Rebecca became a mama bear at the store- no one was going to mess with me while she was around.  On a few occasions, she took someone to task about misgendering or otherwise "othering" me, including, once, a manager.  Often, Rebecca would wear her Tardis dress and carry her R2D2 handbag, just to watch people's reactions.  And we even had a little code for when I was being "watched" by management, or if I was really to busy to talk.  It was her idea.

Since leaving the store, I didn't see her as much.  We'd chat through Facialbook.  She couldn't attend my "farewell gathering" as she was sick, but she sent encouragement.  The last messages were so full of hope.

The last messages

On my way back to State College, I looked up through the Twilight and looking down at me, a Cheshire Moon smiled.  I pulled over as the tears began, yet I felt at peace, because I could just see Rebecca smiling at me from above.  She was happy- No more Pain.  As I watched, the moon was slightly obscured by a dreamy wisp of cirrus cloud, and I thought... how appropriate.

Sleep well Rebecca.  The Force will be with you.

Always.