End of July Return

 Hey gang I'm back.

I'm still coping with what happened in early June.  It's been a brutal summer.  I've visited Wife several times, but my Daughter makes sure never to be there.  The Darkness tells me that I should be grateful- without Daughter to live for, I'm truly free to go.  No one cares if I stay.  I have no more obligation or responsibility here.  I think about this night and day.  

It's been raining a LOT

So what's stopping me?  Part of it is that I want to finish what I started and earn that PhD.  I'm ABD now (all but dissertation), so I'm almost there.  I've been having problems getting things done for it, but I'm slowly moving forward.  Very slowly.  I defend my Dissertation Proposal on August 14.  Add to that, I'd be putting my roomie/bestie Linda in a bad place, as she can't afford this apartment alone.  However, she's very resourceful.  She'd get by.  

The main thing stopping me is the fact that I'm a coward.  Any method except one would hurt, and I've experienced enough pain in my life.  Recently, a former coworker died when he jumped off a parking garage.  I envy his courage.

If you've followed the news, there's been a flood of anti-transgender bills signed into law in the last two months.  The GQP want us "eradicated", and yes, that's the word they used.  Where's the HRC?  ACLU?  Hello?

So is anything else going on?  Not really.  It's been a relatively cool summer here in the mountains, with some heavy thunderstorms.  The heat that's plagued the rest of the country finally reached us this weekend, so it's been toasty.  Hasn't mattered to me, as I've been inside staring at the ceiling or sleeping.  As I mentioned, I've taken a few trips to see Wife in SEPa, but that's really it.  I haven't gone anywhere or done anything.  I keep saying that I should start selling off the boxes of books that are in storage, or the games I have here (after all, they're just taking up space and I could use the money.)  But doing that would be a lot of work, and I've been busy (see: staring at the ceiling, above.)  

Part of the games shelf, taken as I write this.

I saw my therapist a couple weeks back.  We talked about the current situation, and she gave me some recommendations.  Essentially, she recommended that I do nothing.  Sigh.  That solves nothing.  I haven't made another appointment yet.  Out of money.

I wish I had something happy to write.  I really do.  That's why I haven't written- I have nothing positive to say.  August starts next week, which means the students will be back soon.  That means autumn is coming, and Halloween.  My favorite holiday.  Maybe I'll even do something this year.  

Be safe and be well.

Falling In

 This past weekend was rather eventful.

I saw Wife and Daughter briefly on Saturday- for around 30 minutes.  Daughter, now 15, had plans with friends about which I was not briefed.  Ok, stuff happens... so after a two and a half hour drive, now what?  I could visit friends (if they returned texts inquiring about that).  I could go to Sly Fox to try their Shepherd's Pie that their chef (a friend) was bragging about (which I did- and it was amazing!).  

There was also a miniature wargaming convention out in Lancaster, PA called Fall In. Back when I worked at Games Workshop, I always went to this.  The sponsor HMGS holds three conventions a year: Cold Wars, Historicon, and Fall In.  Usually they were held in Lancaster or Gettysburg, and most of the GW people who gamed (most of us did) went to play and see friends.  

I hadn't attended one of these since I transitioned, as the miniature wargaming hobby is primarily male and overwhelmingly conservative.  However, several of my old GW friends were now working at Gale Force Nine games, and they were going.  I decided to visit.  

One of the attractions of the convention is seeing the amazing gaming tables some people build.  While some people are, ahem, rather lame in their presentation, others go all-out and their tables are amazing. 

The dealer's area was in a separate building, which I made my way towards, and bumped into a facialbook friend from the Philly area.  We chatted briefly.  Eventually, I found the GF9 booth, and there were three of my old co-workers.  One of them (I'll call him 1) had seen Sophie previously, but not the other two.  I hired one of the other guys (2) for GW all those years ago.  The third (3) was at GW before me, and has transgender son.  All three greeted me warmly, and we caught up.  I learned that one of my favorite people from GW is now involved behind the camera in the adult entertainment industry, which, if you know him, you'd say "yeah, that tracks."  

I then walked around the dealer's area, where I saw many items that, back when I still played, I would've been very interested in buying.  I used to spend a LOT of money I didn't have at these shows, and in the end, ended up selling off all those things to cover bills.  And so, while enjoying the displays, I didn't buy (except one bottle of paint.)

Then I ran into a familiar face, whom I'll call 4.  Back when I worked for Chessex in the early 90s, he owned a game company in the space upstairs in the warehouse, where he made high end wargames.  He had a booth, and I stopped to chat.  He hadn't heard that I'd transitioned, so he was quite surprised.  We chatted for a bit.

After that, I said my goodbyes to the GF9 guys, and drove back to State College, listening to Penn State football crush Indiana on the radio.  

That night, I watched as the Phillies played hard, but lost the World Series in game six.  No one expected the Phils to make the playoffs, never mind go all the way to the World Series, so it was a magical ride.  Still, it was a disappointment.  

The week has drifted by in a haze of insomnia and unease.  The elections weren't the triumph for fascism that the GQP wanted, but enough election-deniers were elected (but they don't trust elections?) to make 2024 a GQP coup.  The worst of the anti-lgbt trolls were easily re-elected and are now seen as presidential timber.  

So, now it's raining outside as the remnants of a hurricane pass directly over us.  A soggy day, to be sure, so, to cheer myself up, I decided to trowel on some makeup before doing errands.

Sometimes it's the little things that keep me going.

Be well.

Collectables

I used to collect a great many things when I when I was first out of college (It's hard to collect anything when money is so tight.  That said, in college I collected hangovers), especially after I met Wife and I was able to get a relatively stable job in a game distribution company.   Go figure one of the things I collected were board games. I also collected miniatures, as well as Dungeons & Dragons books. One thing I saved my money to buy was a 1990 Captain America chess set, in pewter and brass.  I loved that, and couldn't wait until we had would have an actual house where it could be displayed.

Occasionally, I bought a comic book character statue.  Around that time, Wife and I collected video tapes of movies, because we didn't go out that much so at night we would drink wine and watch movies.  

This was a wonderful time.  I had friends with whom to game, money enough to pay the bills (as Wife made more than me, even at the beginning of her career.)  Our biggest expenses were my drinking and our weekly dinner date night.  

Unfortunately, my drinking was out of control and I spent a LOT. 

Wife is better with money than me. Things were looking up.  We were building a life Together.  Y'know, like normal people.  

At that point, I changed jobs.  When I took the job with Games Workshop, it also cut my income by a third.  I cut back expenses a bit, and started selling off a few things at conventions.  Eventually, we saved enough to buy a house.  I loved that house:  it was an end unit of townhomes, built with our input.  A dear friend who worked in construction built the deck for us.  Add to that, we shared a wall with an amazing couple (who are the best neighbors anyone could ever want) named Adam and Carol.  

We held many parties there, hosted some dinners, and eventually even got a dog.  And, finally, I was able to display my chess set.  Fortunately, it was not one of the things taken when the house was robbed.  My favorite times there were sitting on the couch with Wife after the day was done, drinking wine and listening to music.

Captain America Chess Set.  Pics swiped from an ebay auction.  Want it?  $524.00

Still, even with an occasional raise from GW, expenses were outpacing income.  Then, Wife was laid off.  

I began selling things I'd collected.  I began selling off comics.  Then the statues, one by one.  Board games that I didn't play for whatever reason.  Out of production miniatures.  Miniatures I'd painted.  Books.  Eventually, I sold some of the original art I'd collected.  I'd occasionally buy something on ebay just to turn it around to resell it, as I knew it was worth much more than I paid.  

It wasn't enough. 

One day, I sold the Captain America chess set to a comic book store.  I remember that day vividly.  I put the chess set, mint in factory box, on his counter.  He paid in cash, which I handed to Wife.  I was so sad.  I'd never even played a game with those pieces.  I felt like a complete failure.  We made the mortgage payment.  

I don't know why, but I thought of this image when writing this piece.  It's drawn in the art style of Wife.

Eventually, my job at GW was eliminated.  We sold the house we loved so much, and moved back to Pennsylvania.  I was deeply depressed.  Again, I started selling off things I'd collected.  No longer constrained by my employment with GW, I sold off most of my GW miniatures, including the armies I'd worked so hard to build and paint over the nine years I worked there.  I sold the last of the sellable statues in 2011.

Very Rare Game.  Sold January, 2011

Since that time, I've been selling to pay bills.  At first, it was to pay for things like the tuition for my masters degree.  Then our daughter was born.  Eventually, it was to buy feminine items and clothing, as my femme side re-emerged in 2008.  

Now, I still sell things, and occasionally buy.  Almost all of the high-end items are gone.  What few items are left aren't worth much to anyone really.  My once huge game collection fits on two ikea shelves.  Most of my books are in storage.  I tried selling some to a used book store, and they were very blunt about telling me that they weren't interested.  I've given many of my old books (mostly unread) for free to my friends who own Bramble Books in Spring City.  I figure it will help them make money.  (Their bookstore is thriving, btw.)  

In any case, a lot of the games I still have, I kept hoping that someday I'd actually have people with whom to play them.  I've had several of them for over thirty years, and a couple for forty.  At what point do I finally give up and either sell them or give them away?  (Before you ask, my roomie Linda isn't a gamer.  She builds amazing models from scratch.)

This morning, I'm exhausted.  I've worked on this piece for days, little by little.  Time to go to work.  I'm doing both jobs today.  Then work Friday, Saturday, Sunday...  

Maybe I'll just give it all away.  They'll make someone happy.  It's all wasted here.

From my Old Guy Blog: Blowface

I wrote this piece when I was 40, so 14 years ago (2006-ish).  The book I mention was Men of the Skull.

I'm re-posting it because it's a time capsule so to speak of who I was at that point.  Drinking was one of the most important part of my life.  It was part of my identity, and the cornerstone of my manhood was that I could out-drink almost anyone (German/Scots/Irish genes).

I'll insert comments here and there and they will be italicized. 

I did a light punctuation/grammar edit, but that aside it's exactly how I originally posted it (I also obscured an identity.)  Also, I'll close the entry by doing a "where is it now?" and such.

*********************************************************************

As I’m at a writer’s block on the book, I thought to tell you a different albeit similar tale.  It’s really long, so I divided it into three parts.

 Not really- it was only in two parts.  Nice editing (eyeroll.)

The origin of Blowface is shrouded in mystery.  Perhaps it was brought by alien life forms to the ancient Mali Empire.  Is that Blowface depicted on the inside walls of the tomb of Ramesses II?  Most scholars place it in the mid to late 1980s.  I heard of it in 1989.  It was this legendary drinking game with all kinds of strange antics and guaranteed drunken good times; the type that blackmail pictures and denials are made of.

Of course, I had to play it!

                The problem was that no one had one.  The only person who might have one didn’t drink anymore.  I was told that the game boards were disposable, as they often became beer or vomit covered.  Shit.

I still haven't seen any other version, but then again, I haven't looked.

                So, being young, dumb, and full of cum, in 1991  I took it upon myself to make a Blowface game.  I gathered two people, like-minded, to join me.  We’ll call one of them M and the other C.  M had played the original many times.  C was a US Ranger standing by for deployment to Desert Storm.

The Result was a game of Blowface done on a large white poster board.  Previous versions were linear- you rolled dice and followed the path to the bitter end.  I figured it’d last longer (more drinking) if it were a ring, like monopoly.  M remembered many of the original spaces which we included, and we added new ones from our disturbed minds.  We added cards that you did NOT want to draw.  Physical challenges, like dancing.  We had all original artwork, as all three of [us] had some talent with the pencil.  We added fragments from every drinking game we knew, or spaces that had similar effects.  To be safe, I had it laminated.

The cards were "Punisher" cards, most of which involved chugging multiple beers.

It sucked.  No one wanted to play it more than once.  No repeat playability.  I mean, if you land on the “Talk like Mr. Ed and drink 6” space, that’s all you do.  In any case, it was our baby, and we played it once in a while when C wasn’t overseas.  Eventually, we lost interest, I got married, etc.

Jump ahead to 1996.  C is getting married.  Two nights before, M flies in from *************.  And I have a surprise for them- I found the Blowface board- and the pieces and Batman mask that went with it (for the “Bat-Fuck” space.)  So the three of us played.  Below, you see the results.

M is “Bat-fucked.”  C is amused by this turn of events

Yeah, I was first to puke.  I lose!

We agreed that the game was a lot rougher to play at our advanced ages (I was turning 30 the next day) and C had a great idea.  On that same day, twenty years hence we would play the game again.  He was given custody of board and pieces (but not of the Batman mask.  That was fucking expensive.)  I have not seen Blowface since, nor do I expect to.  See, C moves around a lot, and so I’m sure Blowface disappeared into oblivion during one of those moves.

I still have no idea if it still exists.  

Part 2

 

Years passed.  History became legend.  Legend became myth.  Then, at a company Christmas party in 2002, I talked about the game to some co-workers.  GW was a drinking company then- lots of people from the UK, and we all loved to drink.  Several of them expressed enthusiasm for the game.  So, being stupid, I decided to make Blowface II- my own drinking game.  After all, I worked at a Game company!  I should be able to do this easily!

So I did.  First- what did I NOT like about the last one.  Well, several things. 

One: We made it on white poster board.  This meant that there was a lot of white space (duh).  In fact, it looked like a bunch of scribbles on a big poster board.  It was ugly as hell.  Two:  as three of us worked on it, there were three different styles of handwriting on it, some of which was small and illegible.  Especially when smeared, which it was. Three:  Some of the spaces forced chugs and chugs and chugs.  One space could wipe a person out.  (See picture above).  Four, there wasn’t enough goofy shit.  The reason for drinking games are to 1) prove yourself and 2) laugh a LOT.  Aren't games supposed to be FUN as well?

Ok.  Fix number one: instead of white poster board, I used black.  That would mean that all artwork would have to be attached, which led to Fix number two: create the spaces on the computer to be uniform size and font.  Everything neat and legible.  The art would be painted onto the board or pictures would be drawn (or color photocopied) and attached.  Fix number three:  Simple enough.  Eliminate the really ugly drinking spaces.  Well, most of them.  I kept the deepest pit of Hell.

I wrote out all my possible ideas, made some sketches, and thought of other things.  How to make it more interactive?  Add spaces that involve everyone- but make them special.  Also, I stole from an old GW game (Curse of the Mummy's Tomb) the idea of a piece that everyone moves:  the Chug Monster.

The Chug Monster was simple enough.  If it passes over your piece, you drink.  If it lands in your space, you chug.  If you rolled doubles, you moved the Chug monster. (Talisman Reaper expansion, as well as other games, also use the concept.)

I also added a short cut- the “Bridge of Death.”  (Monty Python reference.  Duh.) This is where the interactive spaces went, and it features the biggest single drinking space on the board- up to 18 drinks.  Still, complete the short cut and you cut off time.

The objective of the game remained the same: collect Golden Chair passes.  To go to the bathroom, you’d have to use a pass.  The new version made it easier with the short cut and two other possible spaces.  Like the old game, there is a section called Hell, but it’s not as bad (no “chug 1d6 beers”).  To balance it, the opposite corner is Heaven.  Mr. Ed stayed in the game, as did Captain Kirk, but those spaces were adapted to provide more variety.  Instead of everyone who lands on that space doing the same silly voice, a die roll would determine what voice the person would do.  (similar to Talisman) There are three of those spaces.  I also added spaces that I stole from another GW game- places to “explore” by rolling a die for various possible effects. (Talisman, again.)

I decorated the board with copies of pictures that I had of friends and other stuff.  In the end, the whole thing looked like this:

Colorful, isn’t it?  The shine you see in the pic is lamination.  I didn’t want it getting ruined.

The lamination and color photocopy cost me $50!!  I did the color photocopy so I'd have a backup copy, and to make it look "smoother."

Here’s a close up of Hell.

Heaven and hell were hand lettered.  Flames, arrows, and that thing in the corner (“Deepest Pit of Hell”) are all hand painted using acrylics. The devils were coworkers at the time, from Halloween parties.

Here’s Heaven:

Same thing: hand painted acrylics.  Photocopies of pictures.  The angel is the wife of a co-worker.  In any case, you can see what some of the spaces are like.

Here are the cards I made:

So- I had the board, I had cards, what next?  Playing pieces!  Working for a miniatures company, I figured that everyone who played would be co-workers and expect some miniatures as gaming pieces.  So I modified a few models to be holding Beer Mugs and painted them.  I then cobbled together a Chug Monster.  However, after a few games, people complained that the Chug Monster didn’t stand out- it just blended into the background.  It was a Chug Wuss.  So, in response to that I made a New & Improved Chug Monster.

Above (L-R): Pirate with Beer Mug, Chug Wuss, Chug Monster

Rear view, in case you like Chug Monster Ass

So then I tested it.  I called a gathering of souls to my house and we played a few times.  It was a LOT of fun, but still needed tweaking.  One person suggested I sell the idea.  Ok.  But what would Joe/Jane College think of the game? 

I tried to set up a group of Penn State students to test it, but after I arrived they all bailed out.  So, sitting alone in a bar with my game, I spied a group of four students eating and drinking.  A little bribe (free beer) later and they played.  They LOVED it!  (They suggested the same tweaks that the other group did.)  I still have their written suggestions for the game.

So the game floated around Maryland for a while.  I brought it to parties where it was played with much enthusiasm.  At one party, someone made a rule that everyone drinks double the amount prescribed.  That killed the game in a hurry.  Then, quietly, it was stored away as I moved back to Pa.  It’s been played once.

That therefore is the story of Blowface II: my drinking game.  I’m now 40 years old.  Would I still play it?  Is it something I should grow out of?  Well, HELL YEAH and maybe.  I’m sure that playing it would crush me for several days, as I don’t recover as gracefully as I used to even a few years ago.

I still have this game.  The board is in storage; the cards and minis are here in my apartment.   Would I play it now?  I really don't know.  I KNOW that I would be sick for days after.  Besides, at my age, who would play?  I could bring it over to the fraternity house, but I'm sure I'd get side-eye and laughed at. I keep it because it cost me so much to make, and because it's a relic of a time in my life long passed.  

The person who made that game was so different to who I am now.  I no longer have to "prove my manhood."  I also don't drink to deaden the howling Pain of my life.   My DUI has a lot to do with that as well.

Still, it LOOKS like fun...

For Hugh

Hugh Casey died on Tuesday, April 21, 2020.

I've spent the time between then and now doing papers for school, and wondering how to put into words who I saw as Hugh.  Because Hugh was so many things to so many people.

Classic Hugh

After all, how many people have their friends put together a convention to help pay his medical bills?  And have hundreds of people attend?  So I thought, and I thought.

And I concluded- this is Hugh I'm writing about.  He was a punster extraordinaire- one of the few who could defeat me.  And, above all, Hugh wanted people to be happy and laugh.  So, I will attempt to capture in words the Hughmanity of my friend.  

His service and burial were private, but I'll exHughme a bunch of old puns to honor him.

I do this because my friend Hugh is dead. Resting, Stunned, pining for the fjords, wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him, passed on! Hugh is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-HUGH!!

A rare dignified shot

(If you don't know the source of that, you're no friend of Hugh.)  In Casey you didn't, I'll say Hugh must catch up on your Monty Python.  I think that show was brilliant, but it may depend upon your point of Hugh.

I met Hugh in 1989, when I answered an ad to join a D&D group.  The group didn't last long, but my friendship with Hugh did.  He had Hughmungous heart, which he shared with so many.

He also had a tremendous love for Sci-fi in general, and Star Trek in particular.  He ran a major convention called Philcon for many years until illness forced him to resign.  Or perhaps he just had his phil of the con life.  No, he loved cons- he could list the pros of cons extensively.  As for Star Trek, he was a master- I'd say he's Q but he was Hugh, not Q.  He was borg that way.  Believe me when I say he could Spock the error in anyone's Trek knowledge.  He was the real McCoy.  Great Scott, these puns are bad!  I hope all these puns are Worf the trouble.

He was also huge in the gaming community, comic books, steampunk... if there was a nerd fandom, he was involved, knew everyone, and was beloved.

I was shocked when Hugh first told me he was sick.  He was diagnosed with colon cancer, and had surgury to cut it out.  Afterwards, he told me "Now I no longer have a colon- I have a semi- colon."  I wish I'd thought of that one.  In any case, he told everyone about it, as he wanted people to get checked for it.  Colonoscopy.  At least he wasn't an ass about it.  Butt he was right, people should get checked.  As you know, the road to cancer is based on good intestines.  In the end, it wasn't the cancer that took him, but it sure didn't help.  The disease weakened him, but he fought valiantly.  Yes, he had a lot of Guts.  

With Hugh and Avi at Hugh Con.  Last time I saw him alive.

In 2004, I was hired at Vanguard (mutual fund place.)  I was surprised that Hugh worked there as well.  He was also a registered representative, but he specialized in retirement plans, like IRAs, annuities, and such.  Occasionally, I'd pass a call over to that department, and got him.  Even though the calls were recorded, we'd both get a quick pun before connecting the customer.  He worker there a lot longer than I did.  I'd like to say that I have 401K puns ready for this section, but I guess I'll have to make an ex-SEP-tion.  No laughs?  Wow- Roth crowd.

When I transitioned, Hugh not only took it in stride, he was welcoming.  He knows several transgender people, and knows we're just people.  No joke here- just sincere appreciation.

In fact, that's all this is: sincere appreciation.  Hugh was one of a kind.  The world was better for his having been in it.

And so was I.

May the four winds blow you safely home, dear friend.  I miss you.


Alyce Wilson, poet, wrote this for him.

We Are Hugh

(in memory of Hugh Casey)

In the pull of his orbit, unlikely bodies

revolved in loose ellipse. Celestial sea

that we were, lucky to cross

his sharp eye, to be drawn in

for a laugh, a conversation. Or,

in better days, a hug. That light,

that voice, a safe mooring spot

despite a world that cast

so many of us out. His power --

to see you through all the posing.

To show up for you

when you least

expected it. To make the day

better, just by passing through it.

To some, good Sir, to others

friend, or helper, or just

that friendly face. A glue

holding the universe together.

Keep saying it, over and over.

We are Hugh, and better for it.

"Tomb of Horrors" for Charity

On July 27, 2019, I was Dungeon Master for a charity game of 1st edition Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) which benefited the Phoenixville Women's Outreach Center.   This event occurred at Nerd Merch, which is a new gaming "store" in Phoenixville, PA.

The game Dungeons and Dragons was published in 1974.  I started playing in 1978, just as the first edition (1e) of Advanced DnD was being released.  This is the version I played the most- all the way through college and after.  Second edition (2e) was published in 1989, and that's the edition that was current when I worked for TSR (company that fist published the game) from 1992-4.  In 1997, TSR was purchased by Wizards of the Coast (WOTC.) WITC was purchased by Hasbro in 1999.  DnD is currently enjoying a new resurgence with its 5th edition (5e). (Wikipedia)

I can't say I'm a big fan of 5e.  Power gaming at its worst.  And dumbed down like crazy.  That's why I prefer earlier versions.

A seat at the table cost $20.  That got you your character.  If your character died, you could "re-buy" another for $10.  Every cent was going to the Center.  The module was Tomb of Horrors, (ToH) known by gamers as the deadliest dungeon ever written.  The (surviving) creator of DnD, Gary Gygax, was tired of players complaining about how tournament modules were too easy, so he wrote ToH to absolutely kill characters.  In this module, characters died.  Often.  So, the rebuy was going to raise more money.  I also set up an online fundraiser.

I arrived and the staff at Nerd Merch helped me set up the tables.  I pre-made appropriate characters, chose appropriate spell, and put them in color coded folders.  I figured that if the players were shelling out $20 per seat, they should get the best I could make it within my means.  I did my best to set the players for success.  All was ready and set up for noon... and nobody showed... until near 1.  Sigh. 

Mt set up behind the screen

Eventually I had eight players- mostly around my age.  The store was crowded, and people playing whatever at other tables were curiously looking over.  We recruited one from another table.  Score! 

First Corridor

After a few "false starts" the group finally found the true entrance.   This first corridor was loaded with trap doors... and a "false path" of red tiles set into the floor.  These traps would claim the first kill- a paladin who was impaled on poison spikes.  The group found their way into a second hallway, and pressed onward.

Oh, I forgot to mention, each player had one "Mercy."  It was essentially a re-roll.  The party leader had two of these.  You could buy more for $5.00 each, again going to the Center.  You could also get more for good role playing or having a great idea.  By the end of that first corridor, the party had used almost all their Mercy. 

Original art.  Want a gem?

I used all the original pictures as player aids.  I made enlarged copies so they were easier to see, though. 

The idea was to play until all characters were dead or surrendered.  By the end, all but one had been magically deposited, butt-naked, back at the Tomb entrance.  The one who hadn't was at the entrance, having run away earlier.  The others surrendered, so the one guy won the "prize:" a never released Citadel miniature so rare that even staff only ever got one (this one was mine.)

What did I get paid for all this?  3 bottles of Fiji water- exactly what I requested.  Between the day and the online, we raised over $300 for the Phoenixville Women's Outreach Center... which they didn't expect as the guys at Nerd Merch never told them that the event was happening.  *facepalm* I received a very nice email from the director of the Center- and that was more than enough for me.  I helped, and I got to play a game I love.

I used to play DnD all the time.  I played ToH as a player twice back in the day, and DM'ed it twice (counting this.)  Doing this game, and knowing it was a good cause really reminded me of how much fun the game was and is.  Also, it was a fitting way of saying "goodbye" to the town where I'd lived for over 16 years on and off- but that's another story

If I could find a group willing to play an old edition of the game up here in State College, I'd jump at it.  Alas, I fear it will not be. 

Still, I was able to help a little. 

Be well.

Kings

I attended a birthday party last Wednesday night.  It was a birthday for the boyfriend of someone I used to work with at the bookstore. I was the oldest person there by far at 51.  The next youngest person was the birthday boy, who turned 42.  Everyone else was in their 20s or very early 30s.

The host was a fellow Penn Stater who I met an on a few previous occasions, and he also invited another Penn Stater who used to be his roommate. Also present was a woman who graduated from Goucher College in Towson, Maryland.  My friend who graduated from University of Alabama (who is very proud of it) and a couple other people.  It was a fun night, and quickly the discussion turned to colleges and drinking games.

Now when I was in college, I knew a lot of drinking games.  In fact, I used to say I was a walking Encyclopedia of drinking games.  I knew them all.

Talk about a useless skill.

However, they were talking about a game that I'd heard of many times.  I know it's extremely popular now, but I had never played it- in fact I didn't know the rules:  Kings.

As it turns out, Kings isn't too much different from a game that I knew in college called Ace Face.  The similarities are that each card means something- each card makes everyone or someone do something- usually drink.  I asked the Goucher Grad if she could teach it to me.  She was drinking water, so we decided that we will play the game, but we would not drink.  Well, we would all drink water or whatever, and I was fine with that.  After all, I was driving.

And so she taught me Kings.  There were four of us at the table; all women.  Again, I was by far the oldest. I don't think any other woman was past 32.  We had a good time of it, and I learned the rules fairly quickly.  Little rules like "the little green man" that I've never heard of, as well as other rules that I was quite familiar with, such as "Questions" and that sort of thing.  In fact, they were rather surprised that I knew "Questions" so well.

Well, it was a game we played back in the day.

And so I have learned another drinking game.  So what?  Aren't I a little old for that?  Well, it made me think of times long past (as most things often do nowadays.)  In this case, in college and for many years after, the only time that I was happy drinking was when I was playing drinking games.

I love drinking games.  The idea of drinking, getting drunk, but also showing my superiority- my manhood- in defeating others in a game simply by outlasting them (because I could drink more than them.)  It stoked my ego, what little I had of one.  It showed me that I was a Man.

Macho... at the party

Yeah, we know how all that turned out.

After she showed me Kings, I told her about Ace Face, which apparently is completely unknown to people of this era. I know the games right now are Kings and Beirut (which is also known as Beer pong.)   We used to play Ace Face.  We used to play a lot of Thumper, Up the river Down the river; Quarters was a major one.  All kinds of games. 3 man was major as well.

So I taught Ace face, again with water, and, as it stood, if we have been playing with alcohol I would have been crushed! Ace face is a type of poker game. I drew a 5 Card flush.  Why can't I do that when I'm playing for money?  It's funny- the only times I've ever drawn natural straight flushes in a seven card hand was it at Ace face, and I've done it twice.  (In Ace face the winning hand loses and drinks very substantially.) 

We followed up with another card game called "that's what she said" which is essentially a rip-off of Cards Against Humanity. 

It turns out two people with the the party have been laid off from their jobs within the past couple days.  I thought about how things have changed so much (aside from transition) and how even if I WANTED to play drinking games like I used to, there's no way my body could handle it anymore.  I just don't like drinking now, because it doesn't make me feel good like it used to.  The Hangover afterward is just horrible! I could have one drink these days and have a hangover.  In any case, I'm also not used to drinking in a group setting.  It's easier with just me, or just me and Linda, and that's all.

Also being in the presence of so many younger people, I felt a LOT out of place. I was 20 to 30 years older than some of them, and I felt a little awkward.  Not only were all these people cisgender and single, but they were half my age- sometimes more.  That sort of thing shouldn't bother me, I know, but it did- because after all, I'm a human being.  I was actually a lot more Awkward about being older than everyone else then I was about being the only transperson in the room.  There were two people in that room tonight whom I've never met, and I'm wondering if either of them clocked me.


As I said before, so much has changed in my life.  So many things that I was able to do before I can't now.  Twenty years ago, I could still drink a ton.  Twenty years from now will I even still be alive?  I don't know.  If I could predict the future would I be in the lousy situation I am today?

As I was leaving, the Goucher woman said that she would love to play games with me someday when we were drinking, and I smiled.  I said "that would be wonderful.  Maybe then I can teach you other games that we played back in the 80s."  She looked at me with this strange look, and I thought about it.

Swell party!

That would be like someone telling me during my college days that they wanted to teach me drinking games from the 1950s or even the 1940s.  It's that far long ago now.  I'm a relic to them- a museum piece.

This is why I rarely go to parties now. 

I overthink everything.  I figure everyone else sees weaknesses and failures, and that they look at me as "why is that OLD person here?"  It would be like me attending an apartment party at Penn State now.  It would be creepy for the students.

Yes, I've gotten old and lame.  I've aged out of partying.

Be well.

Hobbies and Not

Most people have a hobby.

My roomie and bestie, Linda, makes a hobby of the Space Program. Her knowledge of the intricacies of it could put many phds to shame.

I used to have a lot of hobbies. I used to collect many things; it's a human thing to collect.  People collect stamps, comic books, matchbook covers, you name it.  Everyone collects something somehow.

I used to collect comic books, and I used to collect games.  For 13 years, I worked in the gaming industry; first for Chessex game distributors, then for Games Workshop.  During that time, I also worked for TSR: the creator of Dungeons and Dragons. (D&D)  During those years, I had no shortage of people with whom to play games, and so I played often.

This is the first D&D box (well, it looked like this)

After moving back up to Pennsylvania in 2003, I had no one to play with; all of my former friends up here had either moved away, or had families, or died, or in other ways going on with their lives.  I lost touch with them all, and driving down to Baltimore was no longer an option, especially given that I didn't have a real job.

So I lost most of my hobbies, and as I wasn't making that much money,the comic books also faded away as well.  I sold most of them to cover expenses. I still love reading them, and will occasionally pick up a graphic novel when I can afford it,  but nothing near what I used to buy.

In any case one of the things I enjoyed doing all through my teen years, my college years, and after was playing D&D. I started playing in 1978 with my friend DrD and few others.  I played through college as well (at Penn State not Drexel.)  In fact, some of my most memorable times at Penn State were playing Dungeons and Dragons.  We played every Saturday night while we were in school, starting at 6 and going until midnight.  At midnight, the game would break and people went to parties. Midnight was still early for parties at Penn State at the time, especially at the fraternities.

The only picture I have from gaming in college.  This guy played the wizard.

In any case, in Baltimore I had a group of players and I was the "Dungeon master." I really enjoyed those games, and the players and I, aside from being co-workers, became very good friends.  I made a lot of very good friends through gaming over the years.

However since moving back up to Pennsylvania, I hadn't played D&D.  All my friends had dispersed, and, because of many reasons, I just simply didn't want to.  Once my feminine side reawakened, D&D became my excuse to go out.  I told wife that I was "going to play D&D" on the third Saturday of every month. It was a very plausible lie, because I used play every Tuesday night, so playing once a month was reasonable, and she very much encouraged it.  Besides it got me out of her hair.



As the years went on, and the lies became unbearable, I told her the truth: that I hadn't been playing D&D- that I hadn't played ever since moving back up to PA; that This was the truth- that Sophie was that truth, and that I'd been lying.

The lies tore me apart, and they affected her as well.

In any case, in an effort to fight the darkness that I've been fighting for such a long time I decided to try my hand at gaming again.  D&D is now in its fifth edition.  The last edition I attempted to play with 3rd Edition, and I did not like it.  2nd edition was I played (well in college I played first edition, but afterwards I played second, and that was the edition that I worked with when I was with TSR.)  I know that system backwards and forwards, so much so that I can just improvise as I go along.  However, since second edition was so long ago (It came out in 1989) not many people play that Edition.  Even less people still have the books.

I managed to talk a few of my friends into playing.  They played second edition long ago, and had since moved on, but they were willing to allow me to DM 2nd edition. I also asked one of the former players from my group all those years ago back in the early 90's, and she was more than happy to join us. I just figured we needed one more person to play, and so I started advertising that I needed a player.  Eventually, I found a meetup group for Philadelphia Area Gamers, mentioned on there that I was looking for a player, and someone responded!  This person even lived in my hometown! Even better, this person said that they had two other Gamers willing to play! So I went to meet this person at a restaurant.  We spoke, and while I had some misgivings, I was willing to give them a chance.  We decided to play at that person's place, as they volunteered to host.  This person has a disability, and it easier just to play there.  A few weeks back was the first session, which was really just an "everyone in the same room getting to know each other" session, in which we introduced each other characters and then a little gaming.

We were draped all over the furniture, and on the TV was Game of Thrones.  Loud.  I usually don't like that kind of distraction when I'm dungeon mastering.  At most, I'll have a CD of Medieval music playing, but as it was not my house, and we really weren't seriously gaming, I did let it go.  So on Sunday the 16th was the second game, when we would actually start really playing the scenario that I had put together.

I arrived almost on time, carrying my gaming stuff, a cooler filled with drinks (soda), and some CDs.  Well the host didn't have a CD player.  Ok.  They have a dog and maybe cats.  The house smelled of them.

I had them do a character building exercise ("Who would play your character in a movie, and why?") while I adjusted a few things.  Then we began.

The scenario in a nutshell- the group was going to a "Haunted Hall" in the side of a mountain.  (The adventure was based on an old TSR module called The Haunted Halls of Eveningstar)  Adventurers had been going there for a long time to "cut their teeth" and yet there was always more to explore.  Hmmm...  In any case, the party had been hired to retrieve an object lost by a previous party in the Hall.  Near the Hall is a small town.  As so many adventurers kept flocking to this dungeon, I figured that the village economy would center around these adventurers.  Why else would there be 3 inns?  So, the "gatekeeper" to the Halls would charge a fee for adventurers to make an appointment to speak to him.  He had been to the halls many times, after all!  Essentially, the whole town would try to empty the coin purses of visitors, in an honest way, of course.


They made their way to the largest of the Taverns, where their contact would meet them.  In the large public room, there were several tables filled with interesting looking characters, probably all adventurers.  One of the tables had four elves having a heated, yet quiet, argument in Elvish.

One of the characters in our group was a Elven Rogue (thief.)  He decided to go butt into their conversation.


Did I mention this player had ZERO social skills?  He reminded me of Dorfman rushing Delta Tau Chi.

And like that movie, the elves just glared at him.  Eventually they went back to arguing.  He got upset- after all he's an elf, so they should welcome him with open arms, right?

As this is happening, the dwarf player spotted their contact, and walked over to the booth where he sat.  he conversed with the contact- a warrior- and waited to be invited to sit before doing so.  Common manners (and this guy demanded courtesy!)  They spoke for a while, came to a price for meeting the Real contact, and all was going well... when the elf came over, plopped himself down and started making demands.  The Warrior did not take this well, saying "I didn't invite you to be seated."

The elf then angrily stormed out of the pub, mounted a horse, and left town.  Essentially, as things weren't going Precisely his way, he was taking his ball and going home.  And... if the other characters wanted him back, they had to bribe his character.  As his character was of Good alignment, this was completely out of bounds.

Even though the elf character wasn't "there", the player kept suggesting things to his two friends- directing how they should play.  He was trying to run the whole game, despite packing up and "leaving."

At this point, I decided to wrap up the day.  I had enough.  I was not having fun-  and, by the looks on the other players' faces- neither were they.

And if no one was having fun, what was the point?

I ended the game, packed up, said my goodbyes, and left.  It was HOT outside, and the smell of the house was on my clothes.

Of the five players, two are the old friends.  As I said, I had three of them in the game, but one dropped out.  We decided, the two who played, to go get some dinner at a local Mexican place.  The one friend picked up his wife (who was the person who'd dropped out) and we went to the restaurant.  I stopped at my apartment first for a very quick shower and to change clothes, as that smell wasn't going away.

As the four of us sat at the table, we talked about many things.  We did NOT talk about the day's adventure.  And that is what sealed it.  If I, as Dungeon Master, had done my job, they would be talking about the feats their characters performed, and this happened, and wow!  No- we talked about other things.

No one had fun.

I decided right there to end the group.

Maybe I'll try again some other time.  To fill the time I would've spent playing and preparing, I signed up to drive for Lyft.  If I'm not going to have a hobby, I may as well make money.

Hobbies?  They're for rich folks.

Be well.

Proceedings: January 2017

A few major things happened this month, but I haven't written about them.  Why?  Well, lots of reasons.

First was the end of the United States of America.  It ended January 20 when a fascist was elevated to leader.  I don't think I need to say any more there.  LGBT, especially transpeople, are in BIG trouble.  As I've written before- I sincerely do not believe I will live to see the end of his reign- and it will not end peacefully.

I was going to ditch the blog and concentrate on writing letters and emails to government officials to fight this evil.  However, recently I decided I can do both.  After all- one of Pennsylvania's senators, Toomey, has shut down all ways for constituents to reach him.  Our voices do not matter to the GOP.

Millions took to the streets to protest Cheeto Mussolini and his Legion of Doom.  I was not among them.  I was with Wife as she was buying a new car. It took so long, I had to call out of work. I was there because I had to sign off on the trade-in as my dead name was on the registration of the old one.  The guy at the car dealership purposefully misgendered me, AFTER being told I'm trans.

At the dealership.

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On Sunday January 22, it was a rainy, cold and miserable day.  I drove into the city to audition for a play:  The Vagina Monologues.  I saw that a dear friend of mine, Isabelle Nicole Herman, was doing it up in Bethlehem.  And i thought about how i would LOVE to have that courage.  So I googled Vagina Monologues Philadelphia, and found that there was an upcoming production which was having try outs... and they wanted people with no stage experience.  Well, I've spoken to large groups of people (and sung to small groups) but I'd never been in a play.  So it was that on this miserable day, I drove into Philly- to the Sedgwick Theater.  I'd written a piece on the topic of "Violence in the Workplace," had help from friends (especially Jennell Jaquays- THANK YOU!), and rehearsed it many times, much to my roomie and bestie Linda's dismay.

I managed to find the theater and park nearby.  (A miracle!)  I was the first supplicant to arrive.  There was a small table there, and two women (one of whom unlocked the door to let me in out of the rain.)  I never had done this before, so I didn't know if I had to wait for everyone else to arrive, if we'd be doing this in the theater proper, or what.  I had to use the restroom BADLY, but I was asked to perform immediately.  So, I did.  I read my piece exactly as it was, with four part harmony and full orchestration and all the phenomena...  sorry.  Got carried away.

High Hair in the wind after Audition

I was asked if I would want to also perform a part written for transwomen.  I said "sure."  But I wondered if that meant my piece was rejected.  No- I'd do both.  Eventually, other women arrived, including two other transwomen.  Long story short (too late) I was in.  I will be on stage.  A few days later, I recruited my dear friend Kara to the play.  She will outshine me big time- she is just that good at everything- and that's fine by me.

I made a video of my audition piece.  Find it HERE.

If you want to see me make an utter fool of myself, buy tickets HERE.  But be quick- it's a small theater and WILL sell out fast (if it hasn't already.)

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The following Sunday was sunny and cold.  I'd signed off, as there was a convention I wanted to attend.  It was a benefit for an old friend: Hugh Casey.

I first met Hugh in May 1993.  We'd both answered an ad for a Dungeons and Dragons group.  That day I met several people with whom would become very dear friends:  Hugh, Mari, and Deb (who I used to refer to in this blog as "A.")  Also that day, I met Big Al, gone these five years.  Hugh became a fixture at my games until I moved to Baltimore in November 2004.

While I lived in Baltimore, Hugh started running Philcon, which is a large science fiction convention.  He brought happiness and fun to many people.

After I returned from Baltimore in September 2003, I eventually got a job with Vanguard.  Hugh worked there as well, but in a different division.  We were in the same building though, so I saw him regularly.  We'd spoken of getting a new gaming group together, but it never happened.  Still hasn't.

In any case, Hugh has cancer.  And he's unemployed with no insurance.  So this convention was a fund raiser for Hugh, put on by his friends, especially the gorgeous Avi..  Did I mention how many lives Hugh has touched?  Many.

Ready to beam up!

So I said I'd donate a few pieces to a silent auction.  That morning, I dressed in my Star Trek uniform, and drove into Philly to the University of Pennsylvania campus.  There, in a building called the Rotunda, was HughCon.

I donated a VERY rare game, a rare Star Wars toy, and a one of a kind piece I made in 2002.  It was in White Dwarf magazine, Troll magazine and all.  I built it, wrote the scenario (which appeared in the book Warhammer Skirmish: "The Lost Tomb of Hamon Ra", and hand-painted the walls.

Page from White Dwarf

I KNOW the game sold.  The other stuff, I don't know.  I put together a flickr page with pictures of the Tomb, if you're interested.


When I arrived, I unloaded the car.  I quickly saw Avi; her mother the amazing Lorraine Anderson (of Occasional Woman); the Man of the Hour: Hugh... and no one else I knew.  Everyone was busy setting up (as I arrived early to deliver the pieces) so I did my best to stay out of the way.

I met some wonderful people there.  This was my kind of crowd:  Geeks.  Sci-fi, gaming, Trek... I was in my element.  I had a discussion with a young woman about what would happen if you put a Bag of Holding into a Portable Hole while inside a Tardis.  We concluded that if an answer were to be had to that dimensional quandary, this crowd would be the place to find it.


So, if I was in my element... why did I feel so alone?

Most of the time, I stood near walls, just watching.  The people I knew were busy, and Hugh was constantly surrounded by friends.  Eventually, another old friend, Mike, arrived, and we talked a little.   I didn't want to be a bother.  Everyone knew each other, except me.  Or so it seemed.  I met SOME people, yes.  But I just... I don't know.  Something inside me held me back.

With Hugh and Avi

There were three women I clocked as trans, but I didn't want to "out" them, so I only spoke to one.  She had to know I was trans as well.  I saw a transman as well- same thing.  I REALLY wanted to connect with them- I mean, they were Trans geeks, as am I.  Or I was.  I've been out of the scene for so many years.

And maybe that was it- I felt disconnected from it all.  Like I didn't belong.

Familiar territory.

And it made me retreat into my cocoon.

I left early.  I wanted to get home, and I knew it would take a LONG time with traffic (and it did.)

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On Tuesday, January 31, I had some things to do.  On the way back, I went to Baltimore.  Why?  Well, one of my dearest friends, Major Kimberly Moore, was there.  We met for lunch at Red Brick Station, one of my old haunts.  It's always wonderful to see her.  She recently was forced from her home for being Trans.  However, she is Strong.  She'll be full time soon.  And, she'll be far more successful at it than I am.

She is simply amazing.

Fat chick with a True Heroine

While in Baltimore, I stopped at the spot where Lisa died.  I also made some inquiries about getting certain paperwork for the book I'm writing about her.  While at her spot, I had another one-sided conversation with her.  As always, I cried.  I miss her so much.

****************************************************************************

I guess in the end, the reason I didn't write was Me.  I spent a lot of the month fighting the Darkness.  I just went through the motions.  At work.  Home.  I go to work.  Come back to the apartment.  Watch a movie and eat dinner with Linda.  Go to bed early.  Rinse.  Repeat.

I've been having nightmares every night- there are things I have to do, and I continually am lost in a labyrinthine nightmare parody of places I know.  I'm always late- always lost.  And recently, I was even burned at the stake for being "different" by people I care about.

Writing in the Darkness is very difficult anymore.  I'm just so tired.

So.  There you have the events of January 2017.  Faithfully submitted, Sophie Lynne.  Sergeant at arms.


Be well.