White Out and Sundry

This past weekend was Homecoming at Penn State, and, unlike last year, Homecoming was the "White Out" game.  That means a LOT of people, a night game, and a definite electricity all week on campus.  Homecoming week is usually special, but adding White Out makes it more.  Add to that the beautiful weather and the trees reaching peak colors... one couldn't ask for anything more.

I didn't have tickets (I couldn't afford them), but I knew that my fraternity was having an alumni tailgate.  Last year I couldn't find it, and felt deceived.  This year, should I bother even trying?  I could stay at the apartment and do nothing (aside from the Halloween decoration project I was working on.  I wrote about that HERE.)  

I've wallowing in self pity, Imposter syndrome, and self-hate for weeks (years?) and not doing anything.  Immobilized.  So I started working on old projects and such to try to do ANYTHING.  So, I decided to shower, shave (first time for either since Tuesday), get out the fucking door, and go to the tailgate, where people probably wouldn't care if I showed up anyway.  However, I brought a bucket of Fireball shot bottles, so at least I would feel like I contributed SOMETHING.  The house supplied a buffet.

So it was that I boarded a bus to campus, so I didn't have to walk the whole way.  I still ended up walking a couple of miles that day, but not two plus miles each way.  I hoped to get lots of pictures, and I did.  I walked through the rich folks tailgating area next to the stadium, wondering at the huge spreads and elaborate RVs.  While searching for the Alumni RV, I encountered the people I met last year (but didn't write about), and they remembered me!  That felt good.  I found the fraternity tailgate easily enough- it was mostly people from the late 70s and early 80, but one from my time, as well as several undergrads.  It was mellow-ish.  One of the recent grads misgendered me so I returned the favor by calling him "Pledge", which he didn't like, but he got the hint after a couple of times.

I ended up doing seven of those fireball shots with various people and drank 3 beers (plus food and water), so I was feeling fairly good as I left the tailgate.  The sun was setting, and the crowd was flowing toward the stadium as I walked the opposite way toward the bus stop, taking more photos.  On the bus ride back, a college girl was passed out cold on the seat across from me.  I knew she was alive as I saw her breathing.  In any case, as we approached one of the apartments near mine, she woke with a start, and exited at the stop.  

After arriving back at the lair, I had a little more to eat and a LOT of water.  Linda and I watched the game, ate pizza, and flipped to the Phillies game during time outs and the half.  The Phillies won, and would win the pennant the next night, so they're going to the World Series.

Monday night was a strange night here on campus.  One of the MAGA student groups invited the founder of the Proud Boys and another fascist to come speak (recruit), so there was a large student protest.  (I was ready to attend, but fell asleep attempting to read PhD stuff and missed it.) In any case, the Proud Boys body slammed a woman, then fired pepper spray at students and police.  After that, the event was cancelled.  Gee, Proud boys becoming violent/  Who woulda thunk it?  Eyeroll.  Still, the fascists got their money and publicity, and blamed antifa for the violence.  (Hint: antifa wasn't there.)  

In any case, I've been sick as a dog the past few days.  Sleeping a lot.  It's not covid (I did a test.)  So I've continued to be useless.  Go figure.

Be well.

Pride March Speech, April 2022

On April 11, I participated in a pride march at Penn State.  I helped carry the banner, screwed up a march cadence, and was the first to speak after the Director of the Center for Sexual and gender Diversity.  I marched despite feeling a bit sick. In fact, I left a later class early because I felt like hell.  Anyway, I wrote my speech in advance, and really didn't deviate from it.

Photo by Alina Lebedeva of the Daily Collegian

The speech:

We are Penn State!

We are… started as the football team’s stand against ugly racism in 1947.  Since then it has grown into our identity.  Penn State is who we are, and it’s our pride, the pride of Lions.  We is an inclusive word encompassing all of us: students, staff, faulty, alumni- we are ALL Penn state.

We, the LGBTQ+ community, are also Penn state.  We are part of the beautiful tapestry of identities that make up our community.  We always have been, despite having to hide ourselves for so many decades.  Today we march to celebrate our visibility, to celebrate our inclusion, and to celebrate those who were, those who are, and those who will be.  We do not march to flaunt our identities, nor do we march to “recruit”, as that can’t happen.  Being LGBT is part of how we were made, like eye color or height.  

Today we celebrate, and renew our commitment to each other, and to Penn State as a whole, that we ALL are Penn State.  We ALL belong and are worthwhile.  We ALL matter.

We are Penn State!

My hair was in a ponytail.  The woman on the left is Sophia.

I received polite applause.  One person said I was eloquent.  Later speakers received much more applause, which is fine.  No one was there to hear me talk anyway.

I've Seen this Face Before

I initially posted this last night on facialbook after a long day.  I think I should develop it a little further.  Because I have nothing else to do after sending out a bunch of resumes.

By now, most Americans have seen his face.  His name is Nick Sandmann. He's in 11th grade at Covington Catholic High School.  I'd link to the school, but they've taken down their web page.  Can't imagine why.

Why does this hit me so deeply? Because I've seen this spoiled kid's smirk all of my life.

This is the face of every bully who picked on me as a kid, knowing he'd suffer no consequences for his actions. It's the smile of a person who enjoys hurting others.  I've written about my bullies, and how they affected my life.

It's the smile of a kid who knows that, no matter what happens, he will lead a charmed life. This is the smile of people like Kavanagh and his ilk, knowing that they could rape a woman at will.  (Anyone remember Stanford rapist Brock Turner, who got a slap on the wrist?)

This is a kid who knows that he has tacit permission to be racist from his president- he absolutely believes he is superior to any non-White.

Now, predictably, he is crying "victim" (because that's what being a Republican in the US is about today- claiming that their white superiority is the victim of the big, bad Left Wing Conspiracy.)  I won't link to his excuse.  Find it yourself.

America's Indigenous people have dealt with this for centuries.  MAGAts will say "we conquered them- get over it."  Again, if a person in non-white, they are not human to the far right.

Native American Journalist Association president Tristan Ahtone wrote:

“In terms of education on Indigenous peoples and history in the U.S., it’s designed to erase us,” he said. “I think back to my high school and I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t just file a lawsuit against the place, for some of the stuff they were teaching. Not only was it offensive, but it was wrong, incredibly wrong. It should be criminally negligent to teach kids some of this stuff.”

Oh, and Central Americans are descendants of Indigenous people as well: Aztecs, Maya, Olmec, etc.  Another reason for the MAGA people to hate them, aside from skin color.

The man facing this hate?  Nathan Phillips, Native American Elder and Vietnam veteran.  Think he's scared of punk like this after combat experience?

More about the kid, lest I get sidetracked.

He is there to tell women what they can/cannot do with their own body. Because he is superior to any woman.  He, and his classmates were bussed there BY THE SCHOOL to participate in a "Right to life" rally.  As in "we care about the unborn until they're born, then who cares" rally.  Also known as "We white men want to tell women what they can/cannot do with their own body" as I wrote above.  He is a right winger by definition, and, by wearing the symbol of racism and hate, is a 45 cultist.

Will there be consequences?  Are you kidding?  (Again, see "Turner, Brock") Bet this kid already has a lawyer and an agent for the multi-million dollar book deal he'll sign.  MAGAts around the country will raise millions more for him.  He'll go to a religious school or University of Kentucky, and never pay a cent.  I'm sure Fox News has already booked him.  After all, he is a hero to racists everywhere.

Still, that smile... that superior shit-eating grin...

I've seen this face all my life, but never more than since 2016.  I wonder why?

(That's sarcasm.)

Speech for Day of Peace

On September 21, 2018, I spoke at the International Day of Peace rally in West Chester, PA.  The event was held on the steps of the Historic Chester County Courthouse on High Street.  My roomie and bestie Linda was on hand to record was speech.

I appeared in the middle of the bill, just as night was falling.  There's already been one disruption from a Trump supporter, and nearby high school kids were making a lot of noise.  Didn't matter. 

What follows is my speaking copy of the speech.

************************************************************************

Speaking tonight

Today, we gather to mark the Day of Peace, and celebrate the Universal Declaration of Human rights.

Article 2 is “Freedom from discrimination.”  It reads, in part:

Everyone can claim their rights regardless of sex, race, language, religion, social standing, etc.

Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, color, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.

One of the definitions of Peace is freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.

Another is freedom from or the cessation of war or violence.

Are we, as Americans truly at Peace?  Our soldiers have been in harm’s way constantly for 17 years.  In fact, history shows our country has been at war for 223 out of the last 240 years.  Unarmed citizens are being gunned down by some police because of their skin color- giving the many GOOD officers a bad name.  And the news today is that another 1000 Latino immigrant CHILDREN have simply vanished from federal custody and thousands more are still in cages, separated from their parents- in defiance of the law. 

I am a transgender woman.  In this commonwealth, I can be fired for that.  I can be denied housing, medical care, and employment.  I’ve been unemployed since February, despite holding a master’s degree and years of experience. 

In some states, I cannot go to a PUBLIC RESTROOM in peace!  Because I’m transgender, right wingers want you to fear me.  Never mind that there has never been a single instance of a transgender woman attacking someone in a restroom.

If I’m in a stall in the ladies room, and you’re peeking in to see what genitals I have, then I am not the pervert.

If a person can’t even go to the bathroom in peace, than there’s a problem.  

Peace.  What is Peace?

In truth, I don’t know. 

I don’t know.

Dr. King once said “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

On this day of Peace, let us pledge to each other, in the sight of God, NOT TO BE SILENT.  Not to allow others suffer while we stand by, afraid to act.  Let us reaffirm that the forces of HATE CANNOT WIN, WILL NOT WIN, because there are still people who believe that we are ALL created EQUAL, and because we believe that we ALL have the inalienable right to LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!

Thank you!

If you want to see me deliver this speech, the youtube video is HERE.

The ENOUGH! Rally

*Note:  The original version of this appeared on TG Forum.  I've edited it and added some thoughts.

The ENOUGH! rally was held on June 30, 2018 at Reeves Park, Phoenixville, PA.  I should know.  I organized it.

A couple weeks ago I was listening to one of my “fake news” stations, I think it was MSNBC, and I heard about all these children being rounded up.  Including infants and toddlers, who are put into “Tender Age Camps.”

We're sending infants to concentration camps, and we are NOT allowing them legal representation.

Said to myself, why aren’t people in the streets over this?  Why aren’t there pitchforks and torches?

(I'm asking again now that Trump committed TREASON on international TV.)

I’d never organized a protest.  But someone had to do something.  “If not me, who?  If not now, when?”  And here we are.  Thanks to a heck of a lot of people who held my hand and guided us all here, especially Luke Bauerlein.

Things in this country are worse than ever for LGBT people (and Latinos, and Muslims, and...)  You know it's bad when fellow transgender people on facialbook were surprised that the Latinos were the first to be put in camps.  Many of us assumed it would be LGBT, especially the T.

So, as I'm STILL unemployed, I had the time on my hands.  So, I screwed up my courage and started organizing the protest.  Quickly, Luke B asked what he could do to help.  He'd worked on protests before, so I made him the co-chair.  Between us we recruited others in the Phoenixville progressive community.  Emails sent and calls made.

As Luke had done this before, he made things a lot easier.  I met with the mayor of Phoenixville, Peter Urscheler (D).  We discussed the plans, and I made some requests.  He was more than happy to grant almost all of them, including graciously agreeing to speak.  (He turned down my request for a thousand dollar honorarium for my effort.  Ok, so I didn’t ask for that.) 

Chief among my requests was for security- a police presence.  I was concerned that local 45 supporters may attempt violence, as the trend indicated that was a possibility.  Indeed, news from around the country showed that 45 supporters were becoming more… bold… in expressing hatred.  And, as transgender woman, I feared that my presence would make me a target.

Paranoid?  Maybe.  Better safe than sorry.

I went to Vegas for a few days on personal business, and, by the time I returned, almost everything was ready.  I also received some great advice from Lisa Longo, president of the local school board, who had also had protest experience.

The day of the protest, I revised my speech, did some more research, selected a wardrobe, and went to the park.  When I arrived, there were already three spectators there.  I brought two cases of water with me for distribution to the crowd, and someone else volunteered to get some ice.  It was 90 degrees, sunny, and enough humidity to make things uncomfortable.  The stage was fully in sunlight, so there was no avoiding it.

We waited fifteen minutes for stragglers to filter in.  I estimate that there were around 150 people of all ages, many with signs, in attendance.

God I'm fat

I started by reading some Thomas Paine, then gave my talk.  It was not the best I’d ever done- it could’ve been cut in half and been far more effective.  I introduced the mayor, and almost everyone else in fact.  I was the MC.  Some of my jokes worked, some didn’t.

Some of the speakers were downright electrifying.  Others… not so much (one spoke for over 30 minutes, when we were all supposed to keep it to 5-10 max.)  We ran over our allotted time, but the mayor gave some extra.  We ended with a sing along of Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” with the maybe twenty people still there at 9:45.

I think it went well.  Many people were energized.  I felt like I’d done something.  Maybe- maybe not.  But I felt I did.

That feeling has since left me, and given way to deep despair.

Many people told me it was a great event, and I am grateful.  Of course, the question becomes “what now?”  Now, it’s a matter of keeping up the pressure on elected officials, and getting out the vote, assuming there is an election in November.  Again- paranoid?  Maybe.  I hope to God I’m wrong.

As I was leaving, I felt very good about myself.  Then I had my “remember- thou art mortal” moment.  Someone had spilled water on the grass- on a small slope.  I slipped on the wet grass, and fell hard on my butt, hurting my back and shoulder.

Life keeps me humble. 

Not There

A lot has happened in this past week or so.  I haven't commented yet, because I had still really haven't digested all of it.

Last Thursday, I drove down to Washington DC, and then, on Friday, I drove down to Richmond, as it was one of my dearest friend Ally's birthday.

On my way south, I stopped in Baltimore; at the place where my dearest sister Lisa died.  I left her a rose, and wished her a happy belated birthday.  I miss her so much!

On Thursday, I met with another dear friend, Kimberly Moore. I spent a lot of the day traveling, but then I spent some hours in the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, after which she and I walked over to the National Archives.  I'd never been there before.  We walked around there for a bit- seeing some interesting documents and displays.  Eventually ended up in the Rotunda, which is where the Declaration of Independence and Constitution are on display.

I'll come back to this.

With Kimberly Moore

Later that night, we went to Freddie's, which is in Crystal City. I heard so much about this place, and I wanted to see it.  We had dinner there, and Kim had a few drinks (I have not had a drink for more than seven weeks.) I did sing karaoke a few times, and if you are glutton for punishment I have a link HERE to a YouTube video.

The following morning, I drove down to Richmond.  The traffic was merciful, and I was there before noon.  Ally, myself, and Ally's friend, Lacey, all went to get our nails done.  That night, we went to Barcode which is one of Richmond's premier gay bars.  I love going there because even though I only go there once a year, the people remember me.  It's like bumping into old friends who I never really had.  They are good people.

Lacy, Ally, me: Friday night

On Saturday, there was a large protests happening in Charlottesville.  Of course, we all knew that- the news have been reporting for weeks that the Nazis, the Klan and all the scum of the right-wing were going to descend upon the beautiful city of Charlottesville.  They said they were going to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E Lee, but let's face it- that's not why they were going.  They were going armed to the teeth, and they wanted to cause trouble.  And why shouldn't they?  After all they have members in the White House staff and whatnot.

Some Americans said "No not in my city" and Americans came from all over to stand in the way of Hate.  They said (in so many words) "you have gone far enough- not in my city, not in my country!"  They stood United against the face of right-wing, Trump-voting tyranny.

Charlottesville was a mere 90 minutes west of where I was, but I was in Virginia for my dear friend Ally.  I planned this for weeks.  I'd looked forward to it!

Saturday, we had all been invited to a pool party by a friend of Ally's whom I never met.  I think the party was going to start at noon, and I stood in Ally's living room watching CNN.  I was in my bathing suit and wearing a swim dress over it watching the horror unfold.  Watching as people fought on TV.  People with who brought Shields; who brought guns; wearing helmets; and they were throwing soda cans filled with concrete.  And against them, Brave Americans getting hurt, and, in defending themselves, hurting the Nazis.  I was surprised that there were no reports of gunfire, but I also more surprised that I saw no the real police presence- at least not on the TV.  I learned later that the police had pulled back because the Nazis had them severely outgunned.

I stood there and I thought "I should be there. I should be THERE.  The rubber has hit the road- the fight against Trump's hate has begun, and I should be there.  My voice should join with theirs.  These people are shedding their blood for me, and for the rest of America and, I'm sitting here in a swimsuit."  I couldn't shake that thought, but I had committed to be there for Ally: one of my dearest friends, and I was going to be there for her.  (I had a wonderful time with Ally, and treasure every moment with her.)

And then the news came across about the car- the Dodge Challenger which crashed intentionally through a group of protesters, killing one and injuring so many others in an intentional attack.

Pic:  NBC news

The perpetrator: a 20 year old man from Ohio with a Hitler haircut (he'd idealized the Nazis ever since he was in school.)  He was eventually caught- I guess it's not hard to track down a license plate especially when it's been on TV.  He was caught; the National Guard came in; and a state of emergency was declared- but it was too late: a woman was dead.  Heather Heyer, who was there exercising Her First Amendment rights to protest- dead.

Rest in Power, Heather Heyer

Killed by Nazis on American soil.

At that point I almost told Ally I had to go that I had to be there, but something help me back.  I had committed to be with her, and what could I do at this point?  A state of emergency had been declared.  The roads were closed.  I couldn't get there.  The moment had passed.  Yes, there would still be violence, and Nazis would still make threats.  They threatened the vigil for the dead woman- the woman that they had butchered.

And the president?

He couldn't even bring himself to condemn the Nazis, the Klan- the filth that had arrived.  No, he blamed both sides, as if both sides had killed.  The Nazis and the Klan took this as tacit approval, which indeed it was.  They took it as carte blanche permission from the highest office in the land to continue their hate.

Americans of all political Persuasions, except of course right-wing, instantly condemned Trump's words.  They were horrified- they were horrified by the images on the TV, by the casualties.  Horrified by the images of Nazis and Klan without their hoods marching unstopped and possibly Unstoppable, but for those Americans who stood in front of them, and said "NO! No more!" Then the President of the United States saying "this is fine- it's not your fault."

The next day of course Trump said, that 'oh yeah, Nazis are bad, the Klan is bad, yeah, we condemn them' but the damage has been done.  (Charles Krauthammer called it "Trump's hostage tape" on Fox news!)  So many people started distancing themselves from the president.  Our allies looked on in complete shock and horror.

I, on the other hand, like many people, knew exactly who Trump was even before the campaign began.  He just showed his true colors again.  Yet there are still Republicans who support him.  There were still people who call themselves Americans who stood up to be counted with the Nazi party.  And so it was things continued for a few days- arguments back and forth.

And then Tuesday: the Meltdown. Trump went "off script" and "spoke from his heart" and what was there was nothing short of horrifying.  He may as well just put on a hood and said "I'm one of them and they can do what they want."  Of course, he accused the Left because the "Party of Personal responsibility" always accuses the Left.  It's always the Liberal's fault.  It doesn't matter who does what- the Republicans could be caught red-handed, and still blame the Left.  And a lot of people would believe them.  Here the Right wing committed Murder, and yet Trump still said 'no, it's the left's fault- they were good people marching with those Nazis.'   Never mind the fact that good people wouldn't be marching with the Nazis by definition.

I have been some days since then.  I figured that this could all happen- knowing Trump- knowing the Right- having thought these things of the right-wing for years: that their true alignment was not to America but only to the party.  GOP Uber Alles

I'd hoped and prayed I was wrong, but I wasn't, and I feel sick to my soul.

Now what?

Trump is Untouchable.  The Republicans will do nothing against him.  He is free to do what he wishes, because he knows he is Unstoppable and Untouchable due to gerrymandering and voter suppression.  He knows that he won't lose the House and the Senate.

It has come down to this: there are few Shades of Grey left.  There are the Americans on the side of what is Good, and then there's the Nazis: the right wing- the face of complete Evil.  It is now time to stand up and be counted.  Are you an American or are you a Nazi?  It's pretty simple- if you support Trump, then you are standing up to be counted with the Nazis, with the Klan, and with Hate.

The gray areas have been covered by Shadow.

Brave American blood is in the streets.  One died, and it's only the beginning.

And I?

I was not there, and I feel horrible.  Perhaps I could have helped.  I was not there.

This time.

Last Friday there was a rally for Equality in my home town of Phoenixville.  Hundreds came to show their support for Equality and Decency.  I was given the opportunity to speak, and so I did.  I improvised a few words on the spot.

Speaking in Reeves Park, Phoenixville

After I spoke, I headed off (I hadn't eaten all day) and was given high fives and hugs as I passed through the crowd.

All is NOT lost, but the fight will not be easy.


When I was in the National Archives, I saw the real Declaration of Independence for the first time.  I was struck by its size- I never realized it was so big!  I could barely read it, as it was so bleached by light over the years.  They now keep it in a room with dim light and other safeguards.

I could barely make out the words.  However, I managed to see the ones I needed to see:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

The Declaration- and the Constitution- are faded with time.  In some ways, that matches the country.  Hate is on the rise, aided by Trump's GOP.  However, the Truth is there, if one looks hard for it:  we are ALL created equal.

And as long as there are Good people who believe in those words, the United States will not perish.


Be well.