Chasing Ghosts

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to the radio on the way home from work.  The Phillies were on later that night, but I had the sports station on anyway (94 WIP.)  I think the host was Brian Haddad.  In any case, that week's Sports Illustrated cover featured Lebron James, and it mentioned that at this point in his career, his motivation is "this ghost I'm chasing."

So the host bring this topic up, and asks his audience "which Ghosts are YOU chasing?"

I was instantly fascinated.

As I was close to home, I didn't call in to the show.  However, I haven't stopped thinking about it.

I think we all chase Ghosts.  We chase what you believe should have been.  What could be.  We find role models, and emulate them.  We've all done it.

I thought about it.  For me, the simple answer would be that I'm chasing "all the people who transitioned before me."  And while that is true, that's not accurate.  Not complete.

(There are Ghosts I chase that I won't include for Privacy reasons- their Privacy.  One would be right there up top, but my "Big Sister" doesn't like publicity.)

For example, there are people I admire, but can never emulate.  A perfect example there is Kristin Beck.  She has done things in her life that I could only imagine,  She is a Heroine in every sense of the word.  However, I could never emulate her, as her courage has led her to places I can never go.

With Kristin Beck, 2014

If I had to narrow it to two people, one would be Professor Jennifer Finney Boylan.  She's an activist, a best selling author, and a teacher.  In her own words, she's a "storyteller."  She's everything I aspire to being.  She is one of my biggest inspirations, and a wonderful person.  And a dear friend. However, I can never have the life she has.  My soul is far too damaged and scarred by Darkness.  She has a wife and wonderful children, and came from privilege.  My Wife and I are separated, and I rarely see my daughter.  I grew up poor.  However, she is one of the Ghosts I chase.

No one ever said chasing Ghosts was different than "tilting at windmills."

With JFB at Nasa, June 2016

However, if I had to narrow it down to just ONE person...  ONE Ghost I chase...

She would be Donna Rose.

Years ago, when I first started researching what "Transgender" means, Donna's website was one of the first I crossed (as well as Linda Lewis' and Fictionmania.)  I ordered a copy of Donna's book Wrapped in Blue from ebay.  It was the first book by a transgender woman I read (followed soon after by JFB's She's Not There.)

I read the book, and was stirred by the simple Passion of her writing... the rawness- the Honesty.  She easily articulated the Pain I was experiencing.  Then, I saw her talks and speeches.  I read her blog.  She was a Voice for people like me.  There are MANY who advocate for us, but few have her passion.  I said to myself "if I ever transition, I want to be just like her."

With Donna at SCC 2013

Early in my Trans experience, I was introduced to my "Big Sister" Mel, who has been one of the best friends anyone could ask for.  As it turns out, Mel's "Big Sister" is Donna!  It was through Mel that I eventually met Donna many moons ago.  I was dumbstruck- it was like meeting a rock star.  We've met several times since, and she has given me amazing advice.

Donna has stepped aside from advocacy now to live her life.  She's definitely earned it.  I've tried to step forward to fill her shoes, but no one really can.  I will continue to be an Advocate and follow her example.  I can never be Donna- she has a great career and has done so much.  But, like my other Ghosts, I can do my best to follow their examples.

And besides, it isn't the Goal... it's the Journey.

Be Well.

A Day in DC for Kim

*A quick aside*
Things in my life took a major turn for the worse.  I won't discuss it, as it was family related, but I WILL say that I appreciate everyone's messages on FB and otherwise.  A Special thank you to Prof. Jennifer Finney Boylan who took time out of her busy schedule to call me offering sage advice.

Thank you all!

********************************************************

On the morning of Wednesday July 13, 2016, I woke early, showered, troweled on makeup, and jumped in the car.  My roomie and bestie Linda Lewis and I were headed South to Washington DC.  Destination: Hyatt Regency Capitol Hill.  We were going to hear my dear friend Major Kimberly Moore, USMC (ret) speak at a symposium on Transgender in the Military.

After a few wrong turns, Linda and I finally arrived.  We had a very over-priced lunch, then met Kim at the bar.  She was gorgeous at always, and, as always, fussing and primping neurotically.  (Remember Kim- you ASKED me to write this!)

After a bit, she went to change into her new Dress Blues- the female version.  She looked amazing!

Linda, Maj. Moore, Fat chick

We then went to the room, with Linda and I carrying all of the Major's gear.  Seriously.

She knew EVERYBODY.  And she even introduced me to many of them.  Linda? Everybody knows Linda.  *Internet Goddess*

Assigned Seats

Attending was Kristin Beck, Senior Chief USN Seals (ret).  I've met her several times, and she's always wonderful!  I expected her contribution to the cause of Transgender Service in the Military would be acknowledged, but it wasn't.  She does SO MUCH for us!  I was disappointed.

I also was introduced to Paula Neira (USN) who I heard of many times.  It was an absolute thrill to meet her!

With Paula

The room was filled with military brass:  Generals, Admirals, it seemed all ranks and branches of service were represented.  Even the British Army were represented by the wonderful Captain Hannah Winterbourne.

I could go on forever about all the wonderful people I met.  Instead, I'll just list them (in order of appearance):

Major Kimberly Moore, USMC (ret)

Captain Hannah Winterbourne, British Army

Major General Gale S. Pollock (US Army, ret)

Captain Sage Fox, US Army (photo by Michael Kay for the Washington Blade)

Peter Levine, Acting Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness

Nathaniel Frank, Ph.D.

Lt Colonel Victor Valenzuela, US Air Force (picture from Twitter)

Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD)

Rear Admiral Alan M. Steinman, MD, USPHS, USCG (ret)

Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)

Staff Sergeant A. Nazzal, US Army

House Armed Services Committee Ranking Member Adam Smith (D- WA)

Linda pointed out to me that we were witnessing history, and she was right.

About 3/4 of the way through, Kim (who was sitting to my left in her assigned seat) excused herself.  After a couple of minutes, someone took her seat.  I whispered that it was "Major Moore's seat" and she whispered back that she would move.  I then recognized her: Dana Beyer!  After a few more minutes my right leg began cramping (as it has been the past few months) so I grabbed my writing notebook and told Dana that she could have my seat.  As I was leaving the row, I tripped over Nathaniel Franks' briefcase, thus making a fat fool of myself.  Within a minute, Kim returned.

(As it turns out, Dana and I have a mutual friend: my "Big Sister" Mel knows her quite well!)

I stood in the back among many people jotting down notes and taking pictures.  Behind me was a table with plastic cups and pitchers of water.  The guy next to me turned back to get some water and his elbow crashed right into my left boob.  OWWWW!  He apologized and we had a quiet laugh over it.

A Soldier taking furious notes

After Nancy Pelosi finished her part, she was being ushered out by her staff, but stopped in front of me, probably due to the bottleneck at the door.  I took my opportunity to say "Leader Pelosi, thank you for all you do!"  She smiled, thanked me, and shook my hand.  Then she was off.

Then it was over, and people broke into groups, chatting away.  I spoke to many people- introducing myself to some, being introduced by others.  One person was a veteran who was taking many pictures.  It turns out this veteran had JUST come out as transgender a few days before.  I posed for a few pictures with Linda and Kim by her.  So Hi Donna!  :)

Linda, Kim, Ms. Creosote (Pic by Donna Newgirl)

I suggested that we grab a drink before Linda and I got back on the road.  Kim agreed, and I also invited Paula Neira.  I also invited someone else I'd just met: Ashley Broadway-Mack.  She is the spouse of Lt. Col Heather Mack, and is a wonderful person!  So the four of us shared a drink in the Hyatt bar before Linda and I took our leave.  We walked the few blocks through the soupy summer air to the parking garage, and my car.

Of course, going home during rush hour took a LONG time.

However, we had one more stop to make.  Just inside the Pennsylvania/ Delaware border is one of the three McKenzies' locations.  This one is our (Linda an I) friend Val is now the manager.  We rarely get down that way, so we took the opportunity to stop and see her.

 With Val

We arrived back home at 10 PM.  We both had work the next morning.

This WAS a moment in history.  People like Kristin Beck and the others listed have been working hard for this for years.  Someday, being transgender may not be a big deal to American society (it wasn't for Native Americans) but I don't think it will be in my lifetime.  However, this was a MAJOR step toward that day.

I have three great regrets in my life:

1) Being born.

2) Being born trans.

3) Never serving in the military.

I have immense respect for those who DO serve, as do most Liberals (despite what the GOP says.)  We respect them enough that we don't want them sent off to die for a Lie or for profit, and that they deserve full benefits for serving.  (Again, unlike the GOP.)

Because of the work of these people, transpeople may now serve the United States openly, and with Honor if they wish.

Which is all they wanted to do in the first place.

Be well!

Keystone Conference 2015 Part 1

The Keystone Conference 2015 has come and gone.  Keystone means so many things to those who attend.  In the past, it was a door that allowed me to be Myself for a few days at a time.  But then I'd have to return to drab life.

Keystone 2014 was my doorway to a new life as I left the drab behind.

Keystone 2015 was still a door, but through which I reached to others.  Thanks to the amazing volunteers at Transcentral PA, I had the opportunity to help those who were just starting out.

This was my Seventh Keystone Conference, and I wouldn't have been able to go without a scholarship from the people who organized the conference.  Scholarships are available based upon need, and as I am a retail worker, I needed the help.

Thanks again to the organizers for the scholarship!

I drove up with roomie Linda Lewis on a cold, windy Wednesday morning, March 18.  We arrived at around 11:15, and checked into room 309.  We then went to the Dog and Pony bar to wash the dust from the road from our mouths with a cocktail.  We didn't eat there, as we already had plans for lunch.

Newly arrived

We had lunch plans with my dear friend (and Vanity Club sister) Olivia Loren.  She was attending Keystone from Arizona, and brought her beautiful fiancee Kayden.  I feel I know Kayden a bit from her facialbook page and from all that Olivia has told me, It was an absolute thrill to finally meet her.  She, like Olivia, is an intelligent and fun as she is beautiful.  I did my best to not intrude on them too much during the conference, as theirs is truly such a rare thing: True Love.  You can see it in everything they do, and it is truly Magic.

Kayden (left) and Olivia (right)

After lunch. Linda and I unpacked and hung around, meeting people as they arrived.  We had dinner with an old and dear friend, Vanessa.  I've known her for many years.  She's the one who recommended Dr. Osborne to me.  No pictures, as she works in a VERY male dominated industry and would lose her job very quickly if discovered.  that's right, we still have no employment protection under the law here in PA for TG people.

Wednesday Night

After dinner, Linda, Vanessa, and I sat in the bar and relaxed.  Amanda Richards, makeup artist extraordinaire joined us for a while, and did several others.  Linda pointed out that at the bar were a few guys looking at her.  She flirted from a distance with them, but nothing major.  It was a mellow night and I was in bed by 11.

Amanda Richards

The next morning, I woke earlier than usual, showered and prepped.  I had an appointment with Amanda arraigned the night before.  She did my makeup, then I saw Donna Miller to sort out some life for my hair.  I then dressed in my suit, and was ready for my seminar.  But first was lunch, and the speaker was Kristin beck, the retired SEAL who is now running for Congress.  I had a chance to speak to her briefly before lunch, and she was amazing as always.  Her speech was the best I've seen from her.  She has become quite a relaxed speaker, but is still Very "Real."

Senior Chief Kristin Beck

After lunch was my seminar: 2 PM in the Dogwood Room.  Before I went downstairs, Linda helped me make a video.  I then checked my material, went to the room and prepped the easel with my needed pics.  I didn't use Powerpoint.  I don't own a laptop.  I'd be presenting on my usual topic of Writing TG Fiction as Therapy.  In past years, I've averaged about a dozen attendees.

Ready for the Seminar

Not this year.  I had eight.  And of those, five were friends of mine.  That's ok, I thought.  I can do this.  And then the whole thing fell apart.  Two of the people wouldn't stop giggling, and a third didn't contribute at all.  My entire lesson plan is based on this being an interactive exercise.  And yes, I know that "No lesson plan survives first contact with the students" but I gamely kept going.

After the seminar, my five friends said it went well.  The other three said nothing to me, even when i thanked them for coming.  I crashed and burned.  I felt like sh*t.  I felt like I failed.

And with that in mind, I went back to the room and laid down for a few minutes.  I had a 5:20 appointment to get some pictures taken with Cassandra Storm.  I read the conference materials, figuring out which seminars I'd attend.  Then I went to get my pictures done.

I then changed clothes and joined my old friend Jenny Jensen doing something I'd never done at Keystone:  I played Bingo.  I sat with the gorgeous Jenny North, who takes her bingo quite seriously.  The year before, she'd won a nice wig.  Well,  I didn't win anything in Bingo, but I ruled the trivia questions between games.  I won lots of small things, but at the end won a nice set of breast enhancers from the BreastForm Store.  As I don't need them I'll either donate them or sell them on ebay.  Probably sell them, as I have bills racked up from the conference to pay.  More on that later.

Run!  She has a microphone!

So then I went to the bar and sang karaoke.  I sand Joe Jackson's "Is She really going out with him" with a little success.  The bar was PACKED with people.  My dear friend Ally sand two songs beautifully, and my therapist Dr. Osborne absolutely ruled a Peggy Lee song.

Ally sings so well!

The night ended quietly.  Ally had arrived so all three of us called it a night.  Tomorrow would be a new day...

To be continued in Part 2