Snowy Halloween

Ok, there are two things that should never happen before Halloween: Snow and Christmas Decorations. This year, we in the Philly area have both. I’ll have to speak to the management about this!


I was co-hosting a Halloween party on Saturday, October 29. It was at a friend’s place, and I supplied the stereo, bar, and some décor. She provided the house, food and beer. Now, this conflicted with Angela’s Laptop lounge Halloween party for the same night, but I had a plan.

We expected 20-40 people to attend this party. I figured around 10 or 11 o clock, I could slip away, go to Laptop, hang out for a little, and come back. After all, with all those people, I wouldn’t be missed. As long as I was back for the midnight judging of the costume contest. This year’s prize: a bottle of Crystal Head Vodka (supplied by me.)

Ok, so I decided to wear the Mary Marvel costume I wore to the Henri David Halloween Ball a couple years ago.

Mary Marvel 2009

Set up an appointment with Amanda Richards, and…

Snow????

Yes, snow. Predicted for anywhere between 1-8 inches. No freaking way!

The snow started early- heavy and wet. At two, I started up to Allentown for my appointment. On the turnpike I passed five trees down on the road. The leaves were still on them, and they caught the snow, and down they went! Many roads in this area are still (Monday) closed due to downed trees.

Mary Marvel 2011

After a while, I was ready, and Mary Marvel drove slowly down the turnpike toward the party. The original plan was to stop at the mall, get some appetizers from Fridays, maybe stop somewhere else for a drink, and arrive at the party at 7 ish. Well due to snow delays, etc, I didn’t get back into the area until 8:30, and arrived at the party at 8:45.

Two women live at the hostess’ house- the owner and a lodger. Neither is really big. Between them they had all but finished off a bottle of Jack Daniels. They were flying!

My "entrance"

Oh, did I point out that no one attending this party knows about Sophie? Nope to them I was (male name) attending in drag! So I arrive and they immediately starting laughing their asses off! And pictures! Poses! There was a third person there, but he doesn’t drink. He was in stitches laughing at me. All of them thought of the costume was great!

And they also thought I had some catching up to do. Three shots of Jack later, I had to fix my lipstick and the bottle was kicked. Fortunately, when I supply a bar, it’s properly stocked.

The Bar (the following morning)

Eventually we had a total of eight people. Ten o’clock came and went, and not only couldn’t I slip away, I drank too much to drive. I was only tipsy, but that’s too much, especially on a snowy, sleety night with trees falling. So I missed Laptop, as I guess many did. I wanted to be there to show support, etc, but it wasn’t to be.

Midnight! Slips of paper were given to each person to vote for best costume. I voted for a guy dressed as Rose from Titanic as she was being sketched (necklace, robe, but thankfully he wore pants). Besides, it’d be unseemly to vote for myself. The votes were counted…

And I won! Landslide! So (male name) in drag was a hit! If they only knew!

The Prize!

I opened the bottle, and we all did a shot of the vodka, and let me say that the bottle is FAR better than the vodka! Harsh!

Around 2 AM, I changed back to male mode, and crashed on the couch. The snow continued falling and the wind picked up. The party was a success for the few who came, and it was good to be me again for a night.


Tonight as I write this is Halloween- Sophie’s “third birthday.” I will not be me tonight. I will be at home, quietly waiting for trick or treaters with my daughter (we went trick or treating at the mall Saturday morning.) My gift to myself for Sophie day? Next week I will be attending “Beauty and the Beach.” Five days of womanhood! I can’t wait!

Saturday night for an Evil Queen

I’ve been writing a lot of heavy stuff of late, and that gets old REALLY quick. So today I’m just going to write about last Saturday. Last Saturday (Oct 15, 2011) was another edition of Angela’s Laptop Lounge. As avid readers know, I attend this monthly as it is usually my only time to be Sophie. So what makes this one so special that I’d actually write about it? First of all, they’re ALL special. Second, this one followed the Renaissance Halloween “party.” It’s a party only in the idea that there is a costume contest and fun food.

So, what am I doing for Halloween this year? I sat down with my friend and costume designer extraordinaire Lorraine Anderson (Of “Occasional Woman”). She makes all my costumes (all two of them so far) and we discussed ideas. It came down to two options:

Another superheroine- this one would be Electrawoman (on the right)

Or an Evil Queen, sorta like this one from the movie "Enchanted."

So I asked around, and even had a poll on my Facebook. In the end, Lorraine said she’d have more fun with the Evil Queen. So off we went to buy fabric. And then there was a fitting. I bought a tiara off Ebay. A wig from Amanda Richards of True Colors (who did my makeup.) New Earrings. So I was as ready as I was going to be, and I waited.



Lorraine was running a little behind, so she would deliver the gown to me after my session with Amanda. This meant I had to wear SOMETHING until then. I chose one of my fave LBDs. This one had the advantage of being a wrap around, so it didn’t have to go over my head. It wouldn’t mess up my up-do.



Saturday! I finished work and headed over to our usual room (several of us share a room at the Motel 6.) I was alone for this part of the day as the others would arrive later. I did the usual shaving duties and then headed up the turnpike to Amanda’s studio. There she took extra time to transform me into an Evil Queen!

Ok. So there I was looking pretty drag-queenish, in my black dress and bling. I had to recline my car seat to get my hair in and out. Then it was the hour drive back to the motel, and waiting for Lorraine. I pulled into a spot, and the guy next to me in a minivan was pulling out. He stopped and stared. I smiled at him, and headed for the door. Walking to my room, there were a bunch of teens, some kind of sports team, on my floor. They looked at me, wide eyed, and I just said “Happy Halloween.” They said nothing.

Lorraine was just a few minutes late due to traffic, but that was ok. She showed me the gown and helped me into it. She explained the features and how things snapped together and stuff, as next time I wore it she wouldn’t be there to assist me putting it on.
Soon enough, the gown was on, and I was Evil Queen Sophie!

We left the room together, and the hallway full of boisterous teens fell silent. Drove over to Ren, and discovered that the sparkles from my gown now covered my front seat. Oops!

It took some work to get out of the car, get sorted, then… Make an Entrance! Jaws dropped! I was the most sparkly and fabulous person there! Then again, there were only five people in costume, so that wasn’t hard. There was a tennis player, a cheerleader, a really good Columbia (RHPS) and a couple others. Their costumes were good, but thanks to Lorraine and Amanda’s hard work, I really think mine was better. Others agreed, and I was awarded this year’s Best Costume. The prize? Nothing. Bragging rights.

So from there, it was slowly clamber back into my car, drive over to the mall, and make my entrance at Blue Pacific and the Laptop Lounge! As it was still open, there were many non- TG there. One mom in particular gave me very disapproving looks. I found out that she was giving us all those looks. Maybe she didn’t like our outfits? Our shoes?
I made my way to the bar and eyes bugged. Let’s face it, the non trans were all in jeans, the TG girls were in dresses and nice outfits, then there is me in this sparkly tiara-ed Evil Queen outfit. Yeah, I kinda stood out a bit. I must admit I enjoyed the attention. Of course, having my cleavage showing really had a lot to do with it.

My big sister was there. Many friends were there. The Fridays bartenders were there. Yes, they are getting kind of regular there. The bartenders are these fantastic ladies, very open minded and lots of fun. I visit them in drab a lot, and they don’t recognize me. This is a good thing.

I hadn’t eaten all day, really. A granola bar and that’s it. And of course I started drinking. Smart, I know. I didn’t have many- maybe three. Ok, four. I think. Anyway, I had drinks, then lots of water.

Somewhere during the night, the mall security guards stopped by and told the bouncer and the bartenders that NO ONE is allowed out in the mall to take pictures. He stood there, in his bike helmet and two wheeled thingee, and banned us from taking pictures.

Which we proceeded to do anyway!

The mall isn’t exactly the best photo studio, but if you don’t want a lot of people in the picture and want to pose, it’s all we have.

1 AM came and I was really tired and kinda loopy. I somehow got back in the car and back to the room (I was fine to drive.) The hallway was empty- I guess the teens were asleep. It still smelled like a locker room in there though! I undressed, removed the wig, and took a quick power nap. When I awoke, I showered (discovering there was no soap in the room, so I used shampoo) packed up and went home- back to my drab life- at 4 AM.

The next day, I paid the price for my stupidity: an Evil Hangover and vacuuming my car before work.

When will I wear this outfit again? Oh, that’s easy- at “Beauty at the Beach” in Rehoboth in a couple weeks. It will have some changes though… ;)

Trapped?

I just started reading "I'm Looking through You" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. I was struck by a bit she wrote early in the book. "Others become stuck, become Exes, haunting their own lives like ghosts."




While this is very true (and Art Garfunkel is the great example she used) I think many of us are stuck by a FUTURE. We are locked into a life we feel we cannot change. Jobs we can't afford to leave. Children we don't want to lose. We trudge through our life playing our part like the 47 Ronin or a Greek tragedy- trapped by events that have not happened yet.


I wrote before about just picking up and leaving. Follow Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarity across country and be who I need to be. However in today’s tough times, that is nearly an impossibility, as there’s that whole needing to feed myself thing. Yeah, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but total starvation wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t make a good looking corpse (my fast living, young dying days? I missed the “young” part of that.) Then there’s that whole daughter part of the equation.


I’m as trapped by her future as I am my own.


So where does that leave me? Stuck in the middle between past and future, me and where I need to be.


“Stop whining!” you say, and just get a move on. And usually you’d be absolutely right. However changing my life completely requires a plan, not just a hope that luck, love, or God will provide a way. To execute this plan requires resources- resources I will probably lose in executing this plan. So. I plan. And I hope and pray and wonder if I will throw off the chains of my future AND my past. “The Waiting,” as the man said, “is the hardest part.”


Someday I may meet myself in the middle. Until then, I have what little time I can find to be me.

October is here (lots of pics!)

It’s October. The leaves are changing and falling and Halloween is coming! This Halloween marks three years since my “re-awakening” as Sophie: my birthday if you will.


It’s been a hard month so far. A good friend of mine died a week or so ago, and really caused me to re-evaluate my life. He was younger than me, and his own body killed him. I discuss this in detail at my TG Forum column here: http://www.tgforum.com/wordpress/?p=11930

So here I’m going to write about three years as Sophie. What they’ve meant to me, and where I may go from here. Why? Helps me clear my head and sort things out.

My first year back I was so scared. I was discovering what it meant to be TG and a woman. I started losing weight. I went to professionals to see what I’d look like as a woman.  I decided what my body would "look" like, and started assembling the needed pads, corset, etc.  As these bits are EXPENSIVE, it took time.

Femme Fever photoshoot, December 2008

Most importantly, I started meeting people who were friendly and accepting.  I made some dear friends who would help me over the rough spots, and with whom I would start attending conferences, notably the Keystone Conference.  There I met many people, including the amazing Lady Ellen.

First True Colors Photoshoot, 2009

In that year, I started cementing friendships and started learning a bit more about fashion.  I also starting to learn more about doing my own makeup.  I started going out more and gaining confidence.  The most important decision of that year was I changed therapists- from one who DIDN'T understand TG issues, to one of the top specialists in the country.  She helped me sort out the big mess in my head about all this.  Well, it's still ongoing, but you get the idea.

I also started shaving my chest, legs and underarms at least once a month.  Then, at Halloween, I had my eyebrows thinned completely.  And I got my ears pierced.

Yes, people noticed.  But it was for Halloween after all, and they grew back, but I made sure not as thick or wide as before.  And that has helped my look tremendously.  As had one more addition (or is that two?)...
Also, that Halloween, I went to a work party totally dressed.  I dubbed myself "Monique" and won the costume contest in a landslide.

Happy birthday Sophie!  I celebrated at the Henri David Ball in Philly in a costume made by the amazing Lorraine Anderson, who has become a close friend.  I dressed as a Superheroine, Mary Marvel.  Being in public like that was so scary, but so cathartic.

Mary Marvel, makeup by Amanda Richards of True Colors

The next year I spent figuring out who I am and what my feminine side meant to my life.  I also started writing some TG fiction. 

I arrived at some conclusions.  Sophie was here to stay, come hell or high water.  That conclusion scared the hell out of me.  I also decided that once a month wasn't enough- that I wanted more.  Perhaps even MUCH more.

That summer I went to the Empire Conference, and went shopping for the first time as a woman.  Once again, I was scared out of my mind.  At the conference, I met many new people and made new friends.  I was even recorded as I sang karoke.  Ick!

As my second year as a woman concluded, I started flirting with the previously unthinkable- transition.  Is that what had been troubling me all these years?  Depression?  Etc?  Could it have been my feminine side trying to escape?

That year, i attended Henri David again, in anothe Lorraine Anderson piece, a St. Pauli girl.

This time, the party ended on a sour note.  Anger was introduced to my feminine world.  I had to deal with negative emotions as Sophie for the first time.  I wrote about it too, and it's in this blog somewhere.  It was a bad experience, but in the end, it helped me become a more rounded woman.  As the year ended i was becoming much more confident in my makeup skills.

This past year I stopped thinking of myself as a "newbie."  I started thinking of myself as an experienced TG.  My wardrobe grew, as did my tools for looking better.  I connected with new people, and came under the wing of my "Big Sister" Mel.  She has taught me a lot, mostly that transitioning is very, very hard.  I've met some of the people who I saw saw as Heroines and found that they are really fun people.
I also decided to see if i could contribute to the community in some small way.  At the Keystone Conference, I presented a class on "Writing TG Fiction."  And at the Transhealth Conference, I assisted at the Renaissance table.
 
 

 
Both scared the hell out of me, but I overcame.  At Transhealth, I even went into the very busy Reading Terminal market and ordered lunch! 
 
I also started doing laser treatments on my face.  My first permanent move toward womanhood.
 
But easly the scariest time all year was walking in the King of Prussia mall, on a Saturday night, as Sophie.  I wore jeggings and showed off my assets.  I was terrified.  I went to the MAC store and bought lipgloss, and walked out.  One person laughed.  Others gawked.  But I did it!  I could've run into people from work, or family, but I didn't.  Not that they would've recognized me anyway with my boobs hanging out.  ;)
 
 

Photo courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge.  Makeup by Amanda Richards

 
So as I approach the end of my third year, I am much more confident as a woman, yet much more scared.  I think that I will have some hard times ahead, and hard decisions.  I know where I want to go, and I simply can't do it right now as it costs a LOT- too much for a girl working retail and another job.
 
The next year?  Who knows?  I can't even dare think.  Perhaps i will be discovered by my wife (God knows she has enough clues) and thrown out.  Or worse.  Maybe I'll find better employment and begin my journey.
 

 

Sophie through the years.

 
In any case, I will do so with the help of dear friends. And you'll be able to read about it here.

Happy Birthday?

Summer is gone, and the clammy fall has begun here in southeast Pennsylvania. We’ve had a lot of natural news around here, starting with an earthquake, then with hurricanes, tornados, then we had rain and rain and rain so we had flooding. On one day, you couldn’t get into Philly from the rest of Pennsylvania due to flooding, mudslides, and downed trees.


But at least the Phillies are in the playoffs!

How’s that for a non-sequitor?

So- disasters. Why do I bring them up? Was my outfit last time out THAT bad? Was my birthday such a horrible experience?

Well, here’s the outfit. You be the judge.

Purple Sophie Rides Again!

As for my birthday, it was as fun as it could be. I am of the opinion that birthdays cease to matter after #21. Let’s face it- 30, 40 and the other round numbers are really just occasions for others to make fun of you. (“You’re FORTY?? HA! You’re old!”) Then eventually you’re X years YOUNG.

So I had a birthday a couple weeks back. Biological birthday. My Sophie birthday is Halloween. I’ve been a “woman of a certain age” for a while now. This one was just a little different. Assuming statistics are correct, and I am average in all ways, half of my life is now behind me. I am middle aged.

So is wearing a skirt my version of the mid-life crisis red sports car?

Do I look middle aged to you?

At my age, testosterone levels naturally go down. Add to that, they ALSO go down when you become a father. So I guess low testosterone is to blame for my putting on a bra and lipstick? Perhaps I won’t need T-blockers when my time for hormones comes? Would my tired old equipment thank me for the retirement of an orchiectomy? And can I get them to take out my prostate while they’re in there as a peace of mind sort of thing? After all, I won’t need it after that procedure anyway, right?

I actually celebrated my birthday three times this year. The first time was with co-workers and friends at a local restaurant/bar. A few of my t-friends were invited but only one came, and she came in drab. Probably safer for everyone I guess.

The second time was with my wife. We went out to dinner at a nice place. While there, I took an empty table, and, for Photoshop practice, populated it with several versions of Sophie.

Sophie times Seven!

The third time was kinda just me. The weekend after my birthday was a Laptop lounge. But before I could celebrate, I had to run a gauntlet.

On my way into Laptop from the parking lot (Blue Pacific is in a mall, but with outside access), I had to pass two parked school buses. The busses were full of teens of indeterminate age. They saw me, and the windows slid down and I heard it all:

“WooHoo! Look at you!” “Hey dude! Are you gay?” “Nice tits!”

And all the usual taunts. And laughter. A year ago, that would’ve sent me scurrying back to the car, crushed. But I had grown a lot this past year. I looked at the busses, kissed my hand and slapped that hand to my well padded ass: The universal symbol for “kiss my ass.” I then threw my shoulders back, held my head high, and walked into Blue Pacific proudly. I wasn’t the only one who encountered these wonderful people, who were probably a church group.

Inside, I quietly celebrated as Sophie. I silently rose a glass to my t-friends as it wasn’t Sophie’s birthday (if that makes sense.) I quietly thanked them for being there for me, and for being themselves. And I pondered what this next year would bring for me.

The future isn't clear.  Nor is this picture!

Would this be the year when my wife finally discovered my secret? Or would I find a big girl job and finally move forward to being truly me? Or would it all come crashing down in a perfect storm of homelessness, unemployment, debt and disaster? All the same questions I asked last year.

This year I accomplished the following: I started laser on my face (which is going well, thanks for asking); I expanded my wardrobe options; I attended Trans-health; I presented at the Keystone Conference; and I continued writing for TG Forum and this lil blog. So while I’m not on hormones, nor am I full time, I still made progress as Sophie.

I guess that’s all I can ask for. And a new handbag. Or some diamond earrings. I’m not hard to please. ;)

Trivial things

Here’s a Larry King-esque list of facts about me. (and if you don’t care, why are you reading?) ;)


My original femme name was Lisa Anne. (I’m not counting Lois Lane, which was my Halloween costume that fateful Halloween night.) Under that name, I set up my Yahoo account, which is why my Yahoo addy still has that name. As my flickr is set up under that email, I haven’t bothered to change it.

I changed my name in December of 2008. I went to Femme Fever for my first ever makeover and photo session. Karen asked about my name, and I said it was open to discussion. She looked at me (I was blonde and dressed in a red dress) and said “You should be Sophie. I have a strong feeling about this. You are Sophie.” I never ignore strong feelings. I have been Sophie ever since. I added Lynne because I like the sound of it.

Picture from my first session

My first night at Renaissance was December 2008 as well. I didn’t wear makeup. I felt like a fool. At Laptop lounge after, I wasn’t aware there was a cover. Jone payed it for me. I have bought her many drinks since.

My first time as Sophie in a “non-safe” place was at a rest stop in New York State in 2010. My friend Jen stopped and dragged me in. It was a rest stop/mall. I was nervous as hell!

Me at that rest stop

My first night out as a woman (Halloween 2008), my breasts were birdseed in cut pantyhose. I learned this trick from the internet. I have become a bit better at doing breasts.

Showing off

I had a MySpace page for quite some time as Sophie, but have since cancelled it. I wasn’t using it and I didn’t need it out there waiting to bite me.

I always dreamed of going to a casino and sitting at the tables as Sophie. I’ve been to a small casino twice as part of the Keystone conference, but haven’t played. Vegas, baby! Someday…

At the Casino

Ok, all that is just wonderful. But again- who cares? Well, it’s the little trivia that makes experiences. Moments and experiences build to make up a life. And it’s this life that I write about here in an effort to understand it all. Oh and so you can follow along at home. “Sophie Lynne: the Home game”

We all have the little things that make up our lives. Small dreams, big dreams, and just desires. Some of us dream of finding jobs. Others desire to return to a life of normalcy, albeit in their chosen gender. Many just want to be ourselves. Others want a Porsche. Everyone has their dreams. Many who read this blog share a dream in common and in a way that makes us a family.

Or at least distant cousins? 

And that's not trivial!

Hope

The two people who beat Chrissy Polis in a Baltimore McDonalds have now both pleaded guilty. The older one pleaded guilty to a hate crime as well.


http://www.wbaltv.com/r/28762448/detail.html

So- Justice will be done. She has yet to be sentenced, but, as the man said “all good things in all good time.”



That man- Jerry Garcia, has been dead now these sixteen years. In San Francisco, they celebrate the dates between his birth in death (August 1 and August 9, respectively) as the “Days Between.” The city celebrates a musician- so great was his impact to them, and to people all over the world. (Jerry played guitar and sang for the Grateful Dead and the Jerry Garcia Band, if you didn’t know. The song I reference is from the JGB song “Run for the Roses.”)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eN1Z_bAqinI



So what does this have to do with the Baltimore beating?



When the beating happened, so many TG people were outraged, and most not a little scared. After all, we have been beaten and even murdered with alarming frequency. In fact, it seemed to be a fact of life for us. We almost expect it. Trans- Russian roulette. Who will lose this week?



But with that beating, something happened- something that Vernon Hackett surely didn’t intend. (He’s the guy who, instead of helping, videotaped the beating and was the one heard encouraging the women to “beat its ass”) People were outraged- and not just trans-people. They were outraged by the savagery of the beating. This guy brought trans-hate out of page 17 of the newspaper and put it into their living rooms, their dens, or wherever their computers sat.



The video made it real.



Now of course, some people just saw it as another episode of Extreme Fighting, and others saw it as “some pervert getting his just desserts” but many- enough- saw it for what it was.



Hate.



And they rallied. And they listened. They brought us hope.



Hope.



Which is what Jerry brought many people as well. He sang songs of the downtrodden and of redemption (also sang songs of drugs and other things too, but stay on point.) He sang of hope, and for many people he was all we had. For many years, he was like a comforting friend to me. Yes, I know he sang words that others wrote, but he co-wrote most of the songs. The idea that he was out there, somewhere, singing, brought me comfort. Then he was gone. “Nothing’s gonna bring him back.”



But I still have his music, and that helped.



The night I first went out dressed, I played Grateful Dead cds in my car. The music helped steady my nerves as I prepared to leave my car while in a skirt, knowing deep down that I was crossing a line that couldn’t be undone. And on my way for my first makeover, it was the Grateful Dead that played to give me courage- the courage to continue this path. And many times since, even now that I have more confidence as a woman, I still listen to the music to give me Hope. Hope that I will be who I am destined to be, whoever that is.



The people who assaulted Chrissy Polis are paying for their crimes. Perhaps something good will come of this. Perhaps something already has. Maybe enough eyes have been opened that someday we can be who we were born to be without worrying about our safety. You know: life, liberty and pursuit of happiness and all that.



There’s always hope.



And for many of us, when hope seems lost, we have the music.

Just a Good Night

Some nights are just good nights. A friend came out as a woman at work Monday. Her HR department was fully behind her and announced the change at a meeting. She will report to work as woman for good on November 1. Until then, she will “morph.” She wrote about it beautifully on facebook. (Excerpted with her kind permission, unedited except to delete her name)


Tomorrow at 10 a.m., my boss will enter a room filled with my closest co-workers. They will be there for our bi-weekly meeting to discuss the business, administrative issues and technical problems that have arisen in the last two weeks. People will be gently sipping their coffee, eating a fresh-baked pastry, and expecting another boring hour wasted of their work day. My boss will start up his computer, dial-in to our conference code and make sure everyone is ready to begin. He will then stand, face all the people who do not know that the next words out of his mouth will send them along for a ride on a journey I started those many months ago with a step out of my home:






“I have a administrative/personnel announcement I would like to make..."






Then my boss will continue that over the past 20 months, I have been undergoing a gender transition and that at the completion of a 90 day period, I will start work full-time as *****. He will tell everyone that I wanted to do this discreetly as to not interrupt the business, and I wanted t make this transition as smooth as possibly. He will end his part by saying that I have his support as well as the support of the company, and will announce a Q&A session in two weeks attended by senior leadership, which everyone will be expected to attend. He will then hand the floor over to the HR representative who will finish up with a policy review and end that part of the meeting. Then my boss will quietly move on to the next order of business and that will be that...






...and from that point on, I will not be able to EVER take it back.



The Dream: reaching milestones. Becoming Yourself. And, of course, that night: Celebration. Her good friends, mentors, and allies gathered to celebrate this day and this person (whom I will call A). The location was an upscale bar called Redstone in Plymouth Meeting, near where she works. http://www.redstonegrill.com/



I was invited, and I was not going to miss it no matter what.



So that day was a big one for me as well. I started a new part time job (that’s two pt jobs if you’re counting along at home) at a nearby University. This job may someday be full time if we ever get rid of the GOP governor who cut the university’s money in half (literally.) So, my day looked like this: up at 5:30, work 7-2:30 at one job, and 3-7 at the new job. Then do Warp 8 for twenty minutes to the bar for the party.



So I arrived, in drab, and find them on the patio on a beautiful summer night. I know many of the people there, including *crash of thunder* HER. The bitch who publically threatened me on Halloween.

People who’ve been reading a while will remember this story. Summary: Person (we’ll call her B) was very angry toward me all night at a party. I had no idea why. Near the end of the night, she threatened me loudly and publically. I didn’t back down, but awaited her move. Full story is here: http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/2010/11/originally-posted-nov-1-10-what-night.html



She really angered me that night and set off a lot of soul searching. I hadn’t seen her since that night. And there she was. Sitting at a table drinking white zin. I didn’t expect her to be there as she and A were very much on the outs, and hadn’t spoken in months.



Many thoughts flew through my head. Should I just leave? No, can’t do that- not to my friend A on her day. I decided to ignore B. I was introduced around using my drab name. Many knew me this way. Some didn’t. I bought A a drink, toasted her success, and settled in to conversation.



I just ignored B because that night she couldn’t hurt me. I was in drab, so if she even recognized me and started something, I would at worst end up in a holding tank in pants not a skirt. But I had many friends at this gathering, so I was confident that nothing would get that far even if I wished it.



I noticed B’s drink was all but empty. I decided to have a little fun and perhaps even build a bridge. I went to the bar and ordered a glass of white zin along with a cabernet for me.



I walked past A, who saw the drink and said “Are you sure you want to do that?”



I replied “Life’s too short to hate.”



I delivered the drink. B thanked me and asked if she knew me. I smiled. “Yes. Yes, you do” I said, and walked away.

And so I mingled, chatted and drank for a while longer. Note that by this point I hadn’t eaten since noon and it was past 8. I was hungry and drinking. Usually this is a recipe for total disaster. Sophie+drinks-food= run for cover.

Eventually, B asked again how she knew me. I smiled and said she knew me well enough. A was standing close by when I extended my hand and said “You know me as Sophie. Sophie Lynne.” I smiled slightly.

B looked confused for a moment, then surprised. “Oh my Gosh I would never have known!” (That’s a good thing, I think!) “It’s so good to see you!” she continued. I smiled, thanked her, and went back to the bar to close my one tab.



As the night wore on, people left. Eventually, it was just the three of us: A, B, and Me. We talked about many things, and there were no problems.



Being me, I tried to sort this out. Well, her issue was that I was friends with her girlfriend of the time. They had since(and long ago) broken up. I am STILL friends with that ex-gf. I told the ex-gf about the meeting, and she said “Perhaps she’s grown up a little.”



Perhaps.



That said, the ex’s new partner was there at the gathering as well, and I noticed she didn’t interact with B. Never went near her. So maybe not.



Then there’s my anger with B. It was a potent, real thing. But what I said to A may have been true. Maybe life is too short to hate. Maybe I’VE grown up a little. Maybe being Sophie is making a difference.



After one last drink, toasted to Jerry Garcia’s birthday (which was also that day), I went to the bathroom and those two left. On my way to my car, I saw them talking in the parking lot, under a light.



Then they hugged.



For, A it was a great day. And for me as well.

An example?

A beautiful friend of mine wrote the following to me on Facebook after reading my blog. I share it here with her kind permission, typing unedited.




“I didn't realize that you were struggling so much with all of this as well. when i saw you at keystone, you walked into every room and every situation like you owned it. the confidence i saw in you was absolutely amazing and inspiring and left me hoping that one day i'll feel that confidence too…



…you truly are an amazing person and i understand how you can struggle with going out, especially in or near areas that someone from the other life could see you. its a very challenging thing for me to do yet and no one would recongnize me in either of the areas i work or at home because i'm so rarely there….

(on the next post)
…just be careful. the consequences are high and even higher with a family. if you really do want to take sophie further at some point you do need to talk about it. you may be surprised.”

It’s amazing how others perceive a person. What she saw in me I can’t explain. Well actually maybe I can.

Being Sophie terrifies me. The whole idea that I am a woman liberates me and yet destroys me. All that I was is a lie. All that I denied is the truth. My way of dealing with fear has always been to forge ahead- not to show it. As a paramedic with a rescue squad, I used to run into burning buildings and crawl into wrecked cars. Scared the hell out of me, but I was damned if I was going to show fear.

So I go rushing in where Angels fear to tread (as Pope would have it.) I feel it’s the only way I’ll quell the fear. If I’m going to be Sophie for the rest of my life, I can’t be afraid to walk in a mall for example. Or a restaurant.

So I read what she sent me, and my heart warmed and broke at the same time. Someone saw me as an inspiration. Me: The insecure guy in a dress. Someone saw more- saw an example. And by discussing my fear- showing it- I let her down. I guess it’s the child in me, craving acceptance from everyone, but I hate letting a friend down.

Me. An example.

I was out last Saturday night for my usual third weekend activities. I went to the Renaissance meeting and to Angela’s Laptop Lounge. But before that, I went to dinner with some friends. I was late- the last to arrive and I walked into the place alone. Me, dressed in a skirt and made up, walked into a restaurant alone. It took me an eternity, maybe 15 seconds to fins my friends in the back corner, but then I smiled and walked over to them, doing my best feminine stride. I was scared, but not as much as I would’ve been last year at this time; which means I actually did it instead of finding an excuse not to go.

Saturday's Outfit

I’m growing as a woman. I am doing more things and conquering my fear. Is this the example she sees? I mean, what she saw at Keystone was often me after many drinks: Liquid Courage. That said, I was among many like minded people- friends and other TGs. Last Saturday, I was among people who gave me strange looks as my skirt flowed around my legs and I felt my bra bouncing as I walked. It will not be the last time I am out and about dressed among “normals.” Someday it may even be my life. This life has been assisted by others who I have looked to as my examples, from whom I have drawn courage.

So my friend, if I am your example, your are welcome to draw all the courage you can from me. We will walk and grow together.

Hits and views

I do something very, very stupid and I do it a lot. 

As those who read this blog know, I hide my female side from my wife and pretty much my whole male world.  That's called "stealth" I guess.   I try to make many pains to make sure my Sophie things are well hidden and that I have cover stories, etc.

So what do I do?

When I'm out I take tons of pictures.  Even worse- I POST these pictures here, and on flickr, and Pink Essence, etc.

Devil with a blue dress on

Not exactly smart, right?  I am creating an electronic trail that leads directly to my cleavage. 

Now, I know that someone who sees these pics wouldn't identify me even if they know me.  I really look different as Sophie.  (And thats the point isn't it?)  But still not only do I tempt fate...

I am upset if people AREN'T looking!

The chart above is from Flickr, and is literally from the second before I typed the last sentence.  On flickr, I have 1,322 pictures on 74 pages going back to December 3, 2008.  I average 1000 views a day.  That's 1000 people looking at my pictures a day.  And if I get below 1000, I feel a little upset- like I'm not worth seeing.

Not exactly stealth.  More like screaming "LOOK AT ME!"  So what happens if one of these sites is discovered? Well, I'm sunk. Done. History. So why keep doing it?



Now, many crossdressers, transpeople, etc, love to take pics of themselves.  Obviously I do too.  Why do I do it?  Well, to remind myself of the good times of course, but also to critique my look.  What did I do wrong?  What did I do right?   And I put these on flickr because...

I love the views and comments.  That makes me feel femininely attractive. Beautiful. Hot. 

From Laptop, June 18, 2011

How neurotic can I be?  How shallow? 

But if I'm taking all that time (and spending all that money) to make myself beautiful, I want to feel it.  I feel it when dressed (usually) and I want validation as well. 

I know I'm not the hottest tgurl out there.  I still see a guy in a dress in the mirror (usually.)  But encouraging comments make me feel like I AM on the right track.  That I CAN be attractive. 

And doesn't every girl want that? 

So I keep on going.  I add pics after almost every time I go out.  And someday I will get caught.  And I have no doubt that when I'm caught, it'll be because of my own stupidity. 

But I'll be doing my best to look my best when that happens!  :)