Justice or Just Us?

(Caveat- this one gets political)

By now the entire Western world, Eastern world, in between, and Planet 10 by way of the 8th dimension have heard about the fate of Osama Bin Laden (OBL). So shall it be to those that kill over two thousand plus people, unless your name is Bush. By now we have all heard how a Seal team defied the odds and fought their way into a fortress and shot OBL twice in the head.



Then the GOP started wondering out loud if this was “legal.”



Oh please. Don’t get me started- party of torture, concentration camps, and illegal wars. But I stray from the point. OBL and his organization plotted the murder of people for many years. Clinton shot at him with Tomahawks and missed. Bush didn’t care one way or the other. Three years into his administration, President Obama signed the orders that caused OBL’s death. He paid the price. Justice is served.



We know this- it’s been everywhere.



A couple weeks earlier, a trans-woman was beaten in a Baltimore McDonalds for entering a ladies room. The two attackers beat her until she suffered seizures. The staff of the restaurant was so concerned that they recorded it and cheered the attackers. The staff then urged the attackers to get away before they could be arrested. Maybe it matters that the attackers and staff were black and the victim white, but it doesn’t seem so. One of the attackers attacked a black woman a couple weeks previously in that same McDonalds. The guy filming it was eventually fired.



A few weeks later, the Baltimore DA finally charged the attackers with hate crimes. What took so long? Maybe he wanted to see if he would lose votes for supporting the TG community? Who knows? But in any case, the news cycle had already moved on. Everyone was now on the Bin Laden story, then the Trump stupidity, then a Royal wedding, then Newt. The only people following the Baltimore story are maybe Baltimoreans and hopefully the TG community.



And so I finally come to my point (figure I had one, right?). The past month has been historic times. We saw the death of the head of a terrorist network (and the seizure of his computers and papers- think that’ll help us more than torture?). We saw the opposing party attack the president trying to divest him of the credit for ordering this. We saw beginnings and endings. Oh and the rapture didn’t happen. All these things- wow! So what about Chrissy Lee Polis?



Remember her?



The news has passed her by as has an opportunity for us to hammer away for our rights. With the video on our side, public sentiment was rolling at least a little. Rallies. People learning about us as people, not as “freaks.” Some even saying this was our “Stonewall:” A flashpoint after which everything would change- where the TG community may finally move forward to being recognized as people.



Ms. Polis is still in Baltimore. Still living daily with the fallout of that attack. Hell, she hears in the media that her one attacker is "a well-mannered, thoughtful young lady, and I firmly believe that when this case comes to trial, she'll be found not guilty." She would be the one whose mouth put most sailors to shame and who dragged Ms. Polis across the floor by her hair. How thoughtful of her!



The fact is that we are again alone on this. It’s Just Us. And I don’t mean the album by the Monkees. It comes down to not just the activists- the Mara Keisling’s, Chloe Prince’s and Donna Rose’s. It is down to all of us each time that jerk says something, or when someone truly curious WANTS to learn. It’s about education. It always has been. It has to be.



In the end, we are outnumbered by they. They will wave religion at us. They will wave social convention at us. All we have is that this is who we are. We didn’t choose this life, but we represent it. All of us- From the part time crossdresser to the full time transgender to the person still hiding scared in their apartment. And as representatives- as teachers- we can win this. Dr King proved this. Gandhi proved this. We CAN have rights. We CAN live our lives. Because otherwise, any of us could be Chrissy Lee Polis. Or Stacey Blahnik Lee, murdered. Or so many, many others. Not much of a choice is it?

Empireless

What a momentous few weeks this has been!  So much has happened that I'm still sorting it all out in my head.

By now, most of you have heard about the beating that happened in Baltimore.  I will address my thoughts on that, but not now.  I'm still watching and thinking about this- hoping that justice will be done.

Then there is the death of Osama Bin Laden.  Monumental.  Again, I'll talk about it some other time.

These are things that HAVE happened.  I want to write about something that is not happening... for me at least.

This weekend- as I type- is the Empire Conference in Albany, NY.  Last year I attended this conference.  This year I am not.  Last year, I learned a lot, grew a lot, and made wonderful friends.  This year, none of those.  Why not?  Simple.  No money.

Normally, my activities as Sopie are paid in advance by my ebay sales.  My job just doesn't cut it.  However, due to the timing of this conference, I had to spend the money elsewhere- on my wife for our anniversary (20 years together- 18 married).  So that meant no trip up.  And as it turns out, I had a huge car repair last week so I am REALLY broke.

What am I missing?  A chance to grow.  Last year, I went shopping for the first time as Sophie.  I walked down a busy city street on a Thursday night- alone (in my black lbd yet!)  I went into a drugstore and bought things as Sophie.  Of course, there are seminars as well.  Oh, and last year I did my first actual stand up comedy routine in front of an audience. 

I miss my friends who will be there.  I feel like the kid who has been grounded on a Saturday night and all my friends are out at the best party ever.  I will hear the stories, see the pics, etc, but it won't be the same. 

What I miss most is time to be me.  To be Sophie.  A few days as a woman- to sort out all those feelings and thoughts inside me.  I want to be able to move on this when ready- but I know that I won't have the money.  So what do I do? 

What do any of us do?

We wait.  And hope.

Big Sister

Hi!

Just a quick post.  I haven't dressed since you last heard from me, that is until today.  Today I HAD to do something for my girl side, so I went shopping.

First to MAC, where I bought new eyeliner and some eyeshadow.  My old eyeliner made my eyes water and it wasn't waterproof, which wasn't a good combination.

Then to JC Pennys, where I bought a scoop neck top.  Pink.  It's cut low enough to show some cleavage.  ;)  So I came home and tried on the top with my white peasant skirt and flats.  Oh how I missed being properly dressed!

So why am I bothering?  I have a dinner invite!  Sophie does, not my guy self.  You see, my "big sister" in this thing, Mel, has invited me to a "casual" dinner Saturday night.  I am to come early so I can change and properly make myself up.  There probably will be others there as well.

Having a Big Sister is a tremendous help.  She transitioned years ago, and knows the pitfalls.  She also seems to know EVERYONE (even you, Chloe!)  ;) so I am getting introduced to people who I otherwise wouldn't have the guts to speak with.  If nothing else, it's nice to speak to someone who understands this mess in my head. 

Lately all I can think about is how life would be like being Sophie full time.  I may have a way to make sure I have a job through it- I'm looking at buying a bar.  That way, I'm SURE the boss won't mind if I change.  More on that if it develops.  Let's face it, my life as it is really is no picnic, and I KNOW life as Sophie would be harder... but would bring my mind and soul peace.  It comes down to guts.  Do I have the guts to be happy? 

Or should I just keep things status quo and be Sophie when I can, hiding behind an aging shell? 

No answers, but then we come to the best part of a Big Sis: hugs.  This situation means I need a lot of them.

And may you find the Hugs when you need them as well!

A minor change?

This may sound minor, but I changed the name of this blog.

I changed it from "A Girl Named Sophie Lynne" to "A Woman Named Sophie Lynne."  Several reasons for this. 

First: when I look in a mirror, I see a Woman, not a girl.  A Woman has experience.  Wisdom from the pain and all that.

Second: at my age, I'm far from a girl.

Minor, maybe.  But I felt it needed to be done.

I am not a girl, I am a woman.

Hear me roar.

Just Another Night

It's been a busy time in Sophieland.  I recently reconnected with an old friend who transitioned (and disappeared) back in the 1980s.  I had a wonderful time and it was great seeing her.  She asked that I not talk about her, so that's all I'll say on that. No, instead I'll write about last Saturday night.  Just another night.

I won't be going to Laptop Lounge or Renaissance in two weeks.  I have an inescapable commitment.  That said, Angela holds this event twice a month.  I was going to go in drab, but decided what the hell?  I need my girl time!  So I made motel reservations and figured out an outfit.  A striped top that showed my cleavage and jeggings.  Only my second time out to Laptop without a skirt.  Simple, yet hopefully effective. 


And let's face it- I love showing my cleavage.

Amanda Richards told me she was booked, but then an opening on Saturday at 3.  Would I want it?  Hell yes!  But then my wife decided on a "family outing."  Uh oh.  So I lied to her and told her I was called into work.  I hate lying, but I NEED my Sophie time.

I checked into the motel, then dashed up to Amanda's.  She did her usual great job.  That saved me from having to run over to MAC and to Sally Beauty Supply for items I would need to do my own.

OK, so I was done and back at the motel by 6.  There was no Ren meeting.  Laptop wasn't starting until 10.  So I called a couple friends, but none could join me for a drink.  But my friend suggested I try going to a drive through fast food- expand my horizons.  I liked the idea.  So off I went.  First, a stop at a money machine.  It was an outdoor one, in full view of passing traffic.  No problem.

Then to a nearby Wendy's.  I tried to do a feminine voice as I ordered.  When I pulled around, the person at the window was quite rude.  I got the impression she was rude to everyone, not just me.  So I went to the nearby King of Prussia mall and ate while sitting in the parking lot.

Sometime while eating the chicken nuggets, I decided I would walk inside.  Alone.  In a mall where I could run into many, many people I know.  But I needed to do this.  I needed and still need to expand my horizons as a woman.  So I parked outside Lord and Taylor, and exited my car.

And walked into the store.  A short guy laughed at me, but I ignored him.  I kept my head up and smiled.  I had as much a right as anyone to be there.  I was a confident, happy woman.  Out the store and into the mall, heels clacking.  Down the mall a bit, and into the MAC store.  I spoke to one of the sales people and eventually bought some lip gloss to match my shade for the evening ("Touch" if you must know.)  Then back into the mall, head held high, clack clack.  Just another woman shopping in the mall.  OK, a 6'5" woman (with the heels) wearing a low cut top showing off her D-cup breasts, but still just another woman. 

Back into Lord and Taylor.  Through the store.  Out and to my car.  Where I sat down and almost hyperventilated.  I couldn't believe I just did that!  Sophie walked through the mall ALONE on a busy Saturday night.  I was drained.  Almost frantic.  I was ecstatic.  In those ten minutes, I grew subastancially as Sophie.  As a woman.  I called a couple friends, then went to Blue Pacific early.  I wanted a drink to celebrate!

So I was at the bar, where I recognized a guy from a previous Laptop.  We spoke briefly, but he had his daughter with him, so wasn't there long.  She was scared of me.  The guy sitting at the end of the bar?  he sent a drink down to me.

Ladies and gentlemen- another first!  This was the first time a guy I didn't know bought me a drink!  I looked good enough to deserve a drink!  OMG I was in heaven!  I accepted the drink and we talked for a good long time. 

Picture courtesy Angela's Laptop Lounge

Then I danced!

Then I went back to the room.  I had a morning shift, so that meant early exit.  I looked in the mirror in the motel and staring me back was not the same woman who left the room earlier.  She had grown so much.  I was almost overcome- I was so close to tears of joy. 

Small steps.  Small steps.  Eventually going to a mall en-femme will be no big deal.  But it was tonight. 

Just another night.

De-fence!

Sorry it's been so long since my last post.  Life has been a little hectic.  Since I last wrote, I went out once more to Angela's Laptop Lounge (which had a St. Patty's Day theme).  It was fun as always and as always I was out far too late.  I also posted a new column at TG Forum.

Sophie O'Lynne

But that's not what I'm writing about today.  No today I want to discuss defense.  Our "defense mechanisms" to be precise.  I was out for a drink with a dear friend last night (she was dressed, I was in drab.  Bitch)  and the topic came up.  She told me that all through her life she's been a chameleon- that she blends in with whomever she's with- that she likes to keep a low profile.  I said I had a hard time believing she would be dropping f-bombs left and right among certain people (she's very nice and proper) but she assured me she does. 

My defense has always been to go on the offense, and she noticed that.  We are total opposites in that regard.  Even when I am en femme, if someone makes an issue, I rely on my wit and big mouth to humiliate them into submission.  As can be imagined, I have been in my share of bar fights.  Some people just have NO sense of humor!  ;)

Do you really want to hurt me?

I thought about that all night.  And today, I discussed it with my therapist.  When I was a child, my defense was to "turtle": to withdraw into my shell and suffer the pain until it stopped.  Somewhere around high school, something inside just snapped and I started defending myself verbally (it may have had something to do with the martial arts I was studying at the time as well.) 

High school.  I was short and thin and not very masculine.  Add to that, every chance I had, I would put on my mom's dresses and pretend I was a girl. So I really had to come on strong to hide what I felt were these shortcomings.  All through college, even though I had stopped dressing, I kept defending, kept shooting back- don't let anyone even guess that inside of me was a woman hiding. Never let on.  Death first.

As many of you know, the pain of totally suppressing my feminine side was tremendous, even if I didn't realize what the source of this pain was.  Combine that with heartbreak, depression, and all the other pressures of post college life led to a collapse a few years after graduation.

But I still would tell NO ONE, not even therapists, about my feminine need.  It was there- I knew it.  I felt it.  I just didn't want to deal with it at all.  I hid it deep inside.  (Any of this sound familiar?)  Defend- be arrogant- snarky- let no one in.

Do I look like a guy to you?

Eventually (obviously) my feminine side came out.  I am Sophie.  And as Sophie, my defense is, you guessed it, offense.  Those who insult me or mine get both barrels.  But so few do.  My sisters have been so very accepting of me.  Slowly, but surely, I am letting my walls drop as a woman.  Not totally, to be sure, but I am learning to let people in. 

Progress?  I think so.  Enough to repair all those years of pain?  Not yet- probably not ever.  But if all that pain was the price I paid to be Sophie, well then so be it.  I've earned this happiness.  And the best things in life are earned.

Keystone Kapers

Last week was the Third Annual Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, PA.  I've attended all three so far and each year it gets bigger and better.  This year, I even presented a seminar!  More on that in a bit.

I've only been home several hours now- I haven't even unpacked my girl clothes yet.  My head is still swimming and it feels odd that I am not wearing a skirt!  Or having a drink for that matter.

I went out to the conference on Tuesday.  I needed to get away from home and several good friends were going to be out there.  Also being out there early meant I could help out a little.  And help I did!  Stuffing the convention envelopes.  It was a huge task as more than 300 people were coming.

The Tuesday Outfit.  I did my own makeup.

My feet hurt and I couldn't figure out why. maybe the fact that I had my boots on the wrong feet had a bit to do with it?

After dinner and a quick drink, I went to bed early.  I knew I'd need my strength.


Weds morning was windy and cold.  I had breakfast with people from Las Vegas that I'd met the night before: Amy and her partner and a guy from Canada.  They were lots of fun to hang with and as it turns out, Amy did makeup.  I didn't know who she was...

I went to a noon pedicure appointment at Lee nails, dressed in a black sweater and jeggings.  This was only my second pedi, and I was the only tgirl in the shop.  Some people gave me a look, but most didn't care.  I had my nails painted a deep red. 

I had an appointment at 5 with Jamie Austin of "Austin's Angels" fame.    Before I rediscovered my girl side, I found some TG sites- among them was Jamie's.  I was curious.  I wondered how I would look as an "Austin's Angel."  So a month in advance, I scheduled an appointment.  As the bus for that night's event was at 5 I skipped the event.  Jamie worked quickly in his hotel room, and soon i was ready to go out... but where?  I bumped into Suzanne, Amy and a girl named Sheila, and they invited me to dinner at Carabba's.  Ok! 

Sophie as done by Jamie Austin

Thursday was the first day of the conference.  I dressed and went to the vendor area, a bit hungover from the previous night's bar visit.  I participated in a study by Pomona College about T-girls.  It was a nice way to kill time.

Thursday's daytime outfit

After lunch I met my "big sis" Mel and Donna Rose in the hotel bar for drinks and laughs.  My appointment with Amanda Richards was at 4 and I had no activities planned so after a couple drinks I went upstairs to change and shower.  As I was in my pads and nothing else, room service walked in on me!  Eek!

Amanda did her usual great work and it was off to a casino!  I and many others had dinner at "The Final Cut" which is a fancy steak place.  Suzanne had a friend from Oklahoma in town and when those two went to the ladies room, I told them it was the friend's (Brenda) birthday.  He had a table of six people come over and loudly sing Happy Birthday to her!  And free dessert for her! 

Oh, did I mention her birthday is in October?  HeeHee

Blue Dress Bitch in the bar

I gambled a little and won $20.  I didn't drink hardle at all as the next day was my presentation and I needed to be sharp and hot! 

So the bus ride back to the hotel was uneventful, even though it was pouring rain.  I took one step off the bus and SLIP!!  Fell hard on my knees and ass.  And elbow.  That really hurt!  My knee is still swollen.  And it put a hole in my stocking!  Dammit!

The next morning was my presentation: "Writing Transgender fiction."  I woke up early and put on my new suit.  I then went to Amy's room.  See, Amy isn't just a makeup person, she's THE makeup person in Vegas.  She runs Just You: Home of Glamour Botique 2.  She quickly had me ready. 

Your instructor

I must say, I have never felt as comfortable as a woman as I did walking to that presentation.  I was in a sharp suit and I KNEW I looked good.  I was in heaven!  But I was also nervous- it would my first time doing any kind of presentation as Sophie.  I had 9 people and they seemed to enjoy it.

That night was night out in Harrisburg.  Amanda did my makeup and I ate at the Cafe Fresco with 20 others.  My knee bothered me but it was fun.  The food was great!

Saturday was an off day.  I slept in a bit, hung out a bit.  I walked acrross a huge parking lot to Lane Bryant to buy bra extenders... alone.  That was a big step.  2 years before, I could barely leave my room because I was so scared.  Now I'm off shopping.  Maybe I'm finally getting used to this woman thing.

Saturday night was the Big Gala.  My friend Lorraine made my gown for me... and I promptly ripped it as I was putting it on.  :(  It was pinnable and Amada did her usual great work.  But before going to the ball I had a doctor's appointment... with Dr. Ousterhout.  I wanted his opinion on what it would take to make me more feminine looking should I... continue down the path.  He had definite ideas (lose 50 pounds for starters) and it would cost more than I have ever made in a year.  Well, he IS the best- so I expected that.

Angel in Blue

 I was off to the ball!  Oh what a wonderful time!  The food, the drinks, the dancing... oh wait- no dancing, my knee hurt.  Eventually I slipped into something more provocative for the late night bar antics.  There I had drinks with Dr. Ousterhout and Amanda and so many others!

Skirt so short, it's a belt!

But it was daylight saving time.  I lost an hour there.  I slept in a little and scrambled to pack and get out in time.  And then I was home.  In drab.  With nothing but memories and a column to type for TG Forum.

All day I have been in a daze.  After so many days as Sophie, it's odd not to be.  I keep thinking of looking down and seeing breasts, of the feel of a skirt, and of that wonderful confident walk to the presentation.  I think Sophie is really taking form as a major part of me. 

Only time will tell what's next.

A Newish Phenomena and Brains

Many T-girls have often remarked about how many times they get "hit on" by online suitors.  I never really had that as a problem.  Of course, I'd get the occasional "you sex me" from people living in various European countries, but I never took that as a serious come-on. These were almost all on Flickr, where you can see all my photos! (unabashed plug)

Would you ask me out?

Recently I've been encountering a new kind of online suitor.  They speak English (no offence meant to the rest of the world) and are articulate.  One even called me his "soulmate."  Heavy stuff!  All of these have occurred on Facebook, where I have a Sophie page.  (Still never been courted in person though)

It makes me wonder if these people looked at my profile, or the my friends there, or at my posts.  My posts tend to fall in three categories: Politics, Music, Bad jokes.  Reading through any of this will give a person a quick idea of what I am about.  (Wow, I must be tired- I'm ending sentences with prepositions!)

However, I make no secret of who I am on there: I am a ... a... ok so what am I?  Am I a crossdresser?  No it's more then that.  I don't think a CD NEEDS to be their femme counterpart.  So am I a trans?  Am I going to go all the way?  What the hell am I doing anyway?

At my last therapy appointment, my therapist postulated (ooo big word) that more and more my male side is becoming my "shadow life" and Sophie is becoming my true one.  I could not say it any better. 

Am I the woman in the mirror?

Let's look at this, shall we?  My male life is shit.  Bad paying job, etc.  The only times I really come alive is when I am a woman.  There is danger, yes.  I could get caught, or some redneck could want to start something.  Transwomen get murdered with alarming frequency.

That of course brings up the usual question we ALL ask: why do we do this?  Why risk all this just to wear a skirt?  Why not be satisfied with how we were born?  None of us can answer this.  Or can we?

http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/1473581/Transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan-

Seems that we can't help it.  Our brains ARE different.  We ARE women inside.  At least enough to cause this ache in the core of our being. 

So ok, my brain tells me I'm a woman.  My pictures look feminine (I hope.)  Does this mean I should start taking these guys on Facebook seriously?  Am I truly someone's soulmate?  Will I someday walk down the aisle in a wedding dress?

Who knows?  I think the better question is: when will I have the intestinal fortitude to bring Sophie more to the surface?  Is it a question of economics or guts?


Lots of questions.  No answers. 

But tomorrow I am home alone.  And I will dress.  And that makes me happy!  :)

Honey!  I didn't expect you home...

Dinner meeting and meetings

So dinner out with friends is a time of celebration- of fellowship.  As humans we prefer to eat in groups (thank you sociology class!).  Dinner especially is a time when we gather to share stories of our day and make new memories.

Last weekend was my usual monthly Saturday out as Sophie.  I was invited to dinner... at a place that wasn't filled with TG people.  It would be our little group sitting in a restaurant full of people.  This place is a restaurant that I have patronized a few times as my drab self.  It's fairly good and fairly popular.  Cafe Winberie.

Knowing that I'd be going out, I was fairly nervous.  More than fairly- I was scared out of my mind!  Maybe it'd be best if I dress down and try to blend in?  Not me!  No, I had to dress like city slut come home!

So what do you think?

I love this LBD (little black dress) and decided to spice it up a bit with some red accents.  Normally this is a great club dress, but in a place where all the women were wearing sweaters, I stood out like... well like a crossdresser.  Go figure.  Anyway, as usual, I went to see Amanda Richards for a makeover and she did her usual wonderful work.

Smiles everyone!

Well, dinner went smoothly.  I didn't see anyone I knew at the place (which was a concern) and we sat in the back of the place near a large party and some other diners.  I noted some surprised and disgusted looks as we walked back to the table, but the hostess complimented my shoes!  :)  I was shaking in my pumps as we were led to the table, but kept my head high and mustered all the confidence I could.

The only unusual behavior I noted was the staff.  The guy waiting on us was prompt, respectful and efficient.  However, every other member of the staff were peeking around corners or walking by to get a look at us.  That includes the cooks.  I hope they liked what they saw!

Anyway, dinner was good and we left without incident.  It was a great time with my friends!  Somehow we neglected to take pictures.  How did that happen?

We missed the Renaissance meeting, but we managed to hang out there for a little.  While there I noticed something for the first time: someone staring at my breasts.  She simply was having a hard time making eye contact.  Dressed as I was, I can't complain, and I had in the past noticed glances from people.  But this girl was hypnotised.  Amusing.  :)

Off to Blue Pacific for Angela's Laptop Lounge!  There I was more in my element- among other gurls.  I met my "big sister" Mel there and had fun.  My friend Vanessa attended for the first time in seven months.  Soon, the amazing  Donna Rose arrived and added to the party.  She told us that Chloe Prince was also coming!  Chloe is one my trans-heroines.  She was on ABC-TV and runs Pink Essence. 

L to R: Chloe, Tina, me, Donna

I met Chloe and she was nice as can be imagined.  Even bought her a drink.  And she drank it!  She was in town to do an interview for Pink Essence.

In the end, I had a wonderful time.  I met someone I admire and didn't make an ass of myself.  In fact, it was a mellow time.  I didn't drink too much and all too soon was back at the motel facing that dreaded shower that ends my woman time.  Back to drab for another month.  These months are becoming excruciating- I need more time as Sophie.  Is my feminine side trying to tell me something?

Oh, for dinner? I had chicken.  Breast. 


As always, you can see more pics at my flickr page:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/lori_anne2008/

Homework

As I think I've mentioned once or twice, I see a therapist: Dr. Osbourne.  She is one of the leading experts on transgenderism.  I started seeing her a year or so back to get an idea of who I was as Sophie.  I've been seeing therapists for over 10 years for depression.  Think it may be related to suppressing my feminine side?  Hmmm.

So Dr. O got a list of interesting questions from a friend of hers, a Nun.  The questions are as follows:

*As you look back on the year just completed:*

1. What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

2. What were some of your "epiphanies" of the past year?

How did you grow because of them?

3. Who were your wise persons?

What did they reveal to you?

How did this influence your life?

4. Did any of your hopes and dreams become a reality?

5. What was most satisfying about the year?

What was least satisfying?

6. How did your experience of the past year affect the world in which you live?

Yeah pretty rough stuff.  That nun must be a sadist.  So anyway, my theraputic homework was to pick one question and answer it.  And since we're all friends here, I thought I'd share my answer with you.  Oh, by the way, if you feel like answering these yourself, feel free.  It's tough!

 

So anyway, my answer follows:

 

What name would you give to your journey of the past year?

There is only one name I could really give it: Hell.

How would you describe it to one of your friends?

That’s the point isn’t it? I have two lives and two sets of friends.

Both would hear the following: I lost my full time job (demoted to part time) since I took a contract job. The contract job was an Orwellian nightmare and I was fired after two weeks. So now I’m part time: no benefits, no contract work. Add to that my wife and mother in law (who we live with) have specialized in making life hell.

My female life has progressed well. I am growing by leaps and bounds. I’ve made friends and expanded my horizons. I have figured out what I “look” like and am learning makeup. Yet in so doing, this puts pressure on my male life. I want to be female more and more. This means lying to my wife and spending money I really shouldn’t. Yet also this year I made an enemy. Her issue seems to boil down to she “just doesn’t like me.” I guess I can’t please everybody- that said, she touched a nerve which caused me a lot of soul searching.

What image or metaphor would you use to talk about it?

Don Quixote: Questing for something that may not exist and tilting at windmills of imaginary menace.

What may not exist? The possibility of happiness. The possibility of finding a job. The possibility of becoming Sophie in body as well as mind. Are these all illusions? Are they fantasies? Phantoms? I work hard to get a job. I work at being Sophie, and I’m beginning to believe that the road to happiness runs through being her. If not happiness then at least Peace. But that road is full of dangers. Here there be dragons! Or are they just windmills?

 

So now you have an idea of how I think.  Scary isn't it? 

 

Tomorrow night I will be out again- this time for dinner before Ren and laptop.  To say I'm scared doesn't begin to touch the surface.  I'm terrified.  But I will go, as my friends will be there and I need to learn to present myself in public in "non-safe" places as a woman.

 

May God have mercy on my soul.  And my pocketbook.  ;)